Fiction Archives
Congo: Land of Jungles
This nest of ordered chaos has inspired numberless works of literature, from Heart of Darkness, to Apocalypse Now, to Predator II: The Book. 
We Will Stop at Nothing to Acquire Your Swiffer Technology
A Proclamation from Three-Click-Pause-Two-Click, Fifth of Many
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Happy Birthday from the Future
I am sorry that I ruined your birthday. You are right—it would have been more helpful to warn you about World Plagues I and II.
The One-Room M.F.A. Program
Zora Neal Hurston was passed out drunk on the floor a some Harlem speakeasy, weepin soft-like, dreamin a the sweet, velvet thighs a Eudora Welty!
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I Am an Aspiring Blurb Writer
"Eviction letters don't get more direct or tersely composed than this stunning début from EmersonVilla Management."
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In Which a Newspaper Addresses Some Problems with Its Restaurant Critic
Frankly speaking, the pieces lack culinary insight, are laden with obscene--often belligerent--language, and frequently fail to mention a restaurant or food.
Failures in Live-Blogging
Hey, why is everybody screami
Notes My Mom Put in My Lunchbox
Here's the note you wanted me to write so you don't feel left out
because your friends' moms are all putting notes in their kids'
lunches. Some mommies work.
The Lord Bellingham Letters, 1580–1610
Editor: Just as two plump and o'er-ripe pomegranates are crack'd betwixt stones for thy luncheon, in sooth I would thy balls were pummeled so.
Liam Gallagher Talks to John Lennon's Ghost
Unofficial transcript of a conversation between the late Beatle and the former Oasis frontman.
Unofficial transcript of a conversation between the late Beatle and the former Oasis frontman.
Devil-cum-Shoeshine Boy Tells a Customer the Genesis of His Current Occupation Is a Bad Bargain with a Savvy Businessman
Shoeshine, sir? Hop up here. Nice Rockports, comfortable? Yeah, leather's a bit worn but I'll buff ’em right up.
Now it's time to do the numbers.
Calvary Cay
The First Eight Years of the Twenty-first Century Retold in Crypto-Allegorical Smut.
Hip-Hop Lit: New and Noteworthy
What Ho, G! by 50 Cent & P.G. Wodehouse
"I endeavor to give satisfaction, dog."
"I endeavor to give satisfaction, dog."
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Gordon Ramsay Has a Quiet Family Dinner at Home
The noted chef enjoys his wife's home cooking.
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Middle-Earth Customs Form
Department of Hinterland Security -- Gondor Customs and Border Protection
Spring Semester Course Descriptions on Which My Attendance in the Fall May Have Had Some Influence
Even though you do a great impression of Belloq from Raiders, you're still going to fail Introduction to Archaeology
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My Attempts at Genre Fiction Occasionally Suffer from a Cavalier Approach to Research
The Western: Cacti, tumbleweeds, oxen, logs. Probably sometime around the late 1800s or something.
Notes on How My Irrational Fear of Organ-Harvesting Has Been Killing My Chances of Random Hookups in N.Y.C.
Stylish woman, late 20s, slightly Eastern European accent. Black mini-dress, heels. Drinks white wine. Wants to take me home and drug me to harvest my kidneys.
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A Public Message from the North American Soccer League
Is Major League Baseball a harmless athletic competition--or a front, a hideous ruse designed to lure healthy young men into the sordid world of male prostitution?
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Rainer Maria Rilke’s Facebook Postings to a Young Poet
As much as I treasure solitude, your recent bundle of poems brought a much-needed ray of sunshine, followed by a cold front and precipitous sinus relief.
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Jakob Neilson's Top Ten Design Mistakes in the Human Condition, 2007
Poor navigation, nonresponsive support, and the complete lack of concrete results top this year's list of design mistakes in the human condition, according to the 2007 user survey from noted usability expert Jakob Neilson.
Amazon Rankings of Children's Books by Christopher Hitchens
Mommy's Not Going to Heaven, 
"Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children!"
"Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children!"
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A Very Tall Patriot Has Something to Tell You
Let me just start by saying that in no way, shape, or form do I believe, even for a nanosecond, that the Bush administration has lied to or misled the American public regarding any aspects whatsoever about the war in Iraq, and that I am 407 feet and two inches tall.
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Hollywood's Most Hilarious Bleeps, Boners, and Flub-Ups: Nicolas Cage Edition
Hollywood spends billions and billions of dollars on Nicolas Cage movies every year. Half the time these movies come out with some craaaazy mistakes in them.
Hollywood spends billions and billions of dollars on Nicolas Cage movies every year. Half the time these movies come out with some craaaazy mistakes in them.
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Maybe I'm Taking This Whole "Who Are You" Shtick a Little Too Far
Geez, did you fold that shopping list enough times? Who are you, Tomoko Fuse, author of Unit Origami: Multidimensional Transformations?
The Gummy Bear Survival Guide
Gummy Bears want to kill you. It's true.
Rejection Letters before They Were Famous
Wonderful penmanship. We wish you luck elsewhere.
A Letter to Alan from Ted
I have you to thank for a wildly enjoyable evening. I haven’t had beluga since my days scamming randy old men at the Waldorf.
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Even Sexy Adventurers Get the Blues: A Dickerson P. Cockley Adventure
"Is that it?" He screamed at me. "You had enough?"
"Is that it?" He screamed at me. "You had enough?"
Ponce de León Attempts to Play Off Not Finding the Fountain of Youth as if the Whole Thing Had Been a Joke
Exploring is my thing. But joking around is my other thing. I'd like people to think of me as the fun conquistador.
Memorable Lines from Anti-Sniper Movies
My victims live on in my mind. I'd kill them again, but my own life is the only one I don't have the guts to take.
Current Choix de Menu from the Café de Dictateur
Ho Chi Minestrone & Steamed Musselinis (en sauce à vin blanc)
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Surgeon General's Warnings (If Hawkeye Pierce Were Surgeon General)
Quitting smoking won't do a damn thing to stop this lousy war. So go ahead, smoke ’em if you got ’em.
Comments on Last Night's Orgy
Everyone looked great out there, grunting like pigs in heat on my couches, ottomans, and floor, but the night was also slightly marred by a handful of minor orgy no-nos that I'd like to bring to everyone's attention.
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Because I Wrestle Alligators: A Dickerson P. Cockley Adventure
I'm standing in line at the convenience store the other day when I notice someone staring at me. I'm immediately consumed by righteous anger, and grab for the garrote wire and fillet knife I always carry in a sling around my neck. Just as I'm about to put an end to this nosy fucker's busy, intrusive life, I notice she's a she, and very hot. I mean hot, like hot enough to make you want to slice off your ear and mail it to her. Well, maybe not that hot. Someone else's ear then ...
I'm standing in line at the convenience store the other day when I notice someone staring at me. I'm immediately consumed by righteous anger, and grab for the garrote wire and fillet knife I always carry in a sling around my neck. Just as I'm about to put an end to this nosy fucker's busy, intrusive life, I notice she's a she, and very hot. I mean hot, like hot enough to make you want to slice off your ear and mail it to her. Well, maybe not that hot. Someone else's ear then ...
Items Edited Out of Cooking Shows
Oh. My. God. Perhaps the worst-tasting thing I've ever put into my mouth, on purpose or otherwise ...
Oh. My. God. Perhaps the worst-tasting thing I've ever put into my mouth, on purpose or otherwise ...
The Bourne Letters: Scranton, Pennsylvania, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Pennsylvania is a nondescript series of convenience stores, sleepwalking civilians, and gently rolling mountains. Should have picked up a magazine or a book or something at the bus depot. These guns take up all the room in my bag and aside from the medical kit and the electronic devices, the thing for jimmying doors, and the quarter stick of dynamite, plus the travel razor and that gel stuff that makes my cowlick turn down, there's hardly room for anything else.
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Bar Mitzvah Speech
A lot of people think that a thirteen-year-old boy is nothing more than a pimply boner-machine with a mouth full of orthodontia and a Web-porn addiction; and while the truth may be on their side, the Torah tells a different story...
Deleted Tales from Heinrich Hoffman's 1845 Der Struwwelpeter
Little Debbie loves to drink milk. One day while drinking milk, she spills on the floor. Her father scolds her while changing into a milkman costume. He mumbles something about going out for a pack of cigarettes before stepping out. Moments later, the Nasty Mean Dairyman dashes into the house and pokes Little Debbie's eyes out with his branding iron. Debbie spends her final days in darkness before succumbing to an ocular infection ...
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The Small-Loan Conman
TAfter gaining his subjects' trust, he requests numerous unassumingly small, insignificant loans before disappearing into the night air forever. He is armed and extremely dangerous. These are the testimonies of just a few of his victims.
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You Were Walking a Golden Retriever Crossing SE corner of 47th and 9th (Midtown West)
You’re such a fast walker. I watch you every day from my apartment. Around 11:00 a.m. you walk your golden retriever by my window and your hair is always wet from the shower. Or do you take baths? No matter. Your dog is fat and well fed. I like that, someone who cares for animals. I don’t have any animals. I had a rat, but it wasn’t really a pet, and then my upstairs neighbor got a cat that pisses all over everything--it smells like ammonia--and since she got the cat, the rat went away. Such is life. Are you close to your folks? ...
The Children's Last Best Hope
When building our Science Center, we didn’t waste money courting the participation of big names in the fields of science and education, and we pass the savings on to you.
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Diary of a Hollywood Script Reader by Charlotte Perkins Gilman
It is unfair that a perfectly innocent person be punished so. There is something creepy, almost haunting, about this office.
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Why You Will Like Me, Probably
Good afternoon. Of course, I realize that you could be reading this at any time of the day, but I'm wagering that it is indeed afternoon. If I'm wrong, so be it, but I'm the kind of person who always takes a firm stand on things, starting with the bold assertion of the introductory sentence. This sort of take-the-reigns, stand-your-ground, believe-in-yourself attitude is the first of many things that I think you will like about me, probably.
Good afternoon. Of course, I realize that you could be reading this at any time of the day, but I'm wagering that it is indeed afternoon. If I'm wrong, so be it, but I'm the kind of person who always takes a firm stand on things, starting with the bold assertion of the introductory sentence. This sort of take-the-reigns, stand-your-ground, believe-in-yourself attitude is the first of many things that I think you will like about me, probably.
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You scratch Crotch of Disuse.
You equip Jeans of Girth.
You equip T-shirt of Yesterday +1 ...
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Paris Hilton Writes to Governor Schwarzenegger from Jail
Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,
I write to you in my darkest hour hoping that you will be inspired to do the right thing. As a fellow celebrity, you should know what it's like to be persecuted because you are famous, and, in my case, hot ...
Dear Governor Schwarzenegger, I write to you in my darkest hour hoping that you will be inspired to do the right thing. As a fellow celebrity, you should know what it's like to be persecuted because you are famous, and, in my case, hot ...
Entourage Chat Room
arygold666: hey E vince might not get the movie pls hold
[_E_]: O NOEZ WHAT R WE GOING TO DO DAMN TERTELZ QUIT SPENDING ALL THE MONEY WTF
[_E_]: O NOEZ WHAT R WE GOING TO DO DAMN TERTELZ QUIT SPENDING ALL THE MONEY WTF
Unwanted Ads
Adorable ragdoll kittens. We don't want any. Ever.
Are you hot? Sexy women, 18+, not needed by production company shooting dull crafting videos for export. If you've got what it takes and you'll do anything to make it, please reevaluate your life ...
Are you hot? Sexy women, 18+, not needed by production company shooting dull crafting videos for export. If you've got what it takes and you'll do anything to make it, please reevaluate your life ...
When Presidents Dream
I’m standing in the Rose Garden. It’s 1980 and I’m pinning medals on the chests of the soldiers who pulled off the successful rescue of the Iran hostages. My popularity rating has soared to the mid-70s and it looks like the Republicans are basically conceding ...
When I Am King, Reality TV Will Show Some Backbone
Bayern Chef After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married...
Transcript: R.W.A. Secret Indoctrination Proceedings
How is a bodice worn?
O'er heaving bosom, until boldly ripped, rent, or torn.
How is it torn?
Asunder! ...
O'er heaving bosom, until boldly ripped, rent, or torn.
How is it torn?
Asunder! ...
The Love Letters of Cintra Wilson and Dennis Miller
Babe-- So I watched your little Charlotte Rampling–Night Porter–China Syndrome meltdown along the information superhighway recently. I don't care what anyone says, while you were Lucy Liu-ing full throttle in the H.O.V. lane of political indignation like Lisa Nowak in a remake of Vanishing Point ...
Further Proof That Citysearch is Useless
The Lunch Spot Posted by Written by MiHope HIGHLY RECOMMENDED This place is totally awesome. Everything about it is great, especially the service, specifically Michael - he's the best waiter in New York. I swear, he makes eating there into...
Bastards of the Universe
Shown briefly by Mattel at the 1988 International Toy Fair, this last-gasp line of Masters of the Universe action figures was almost immediately withdrawn from the market.
A Letter from Survivor Producer Mark Burnett to the Networks on Bringing History Back to Life
My idea to racially segregate the teams on the recent season of Survivor: Cook Islands was a success. It scored great ratings and made Survivor a hot topic once again. The controversy surrounding it paid off, as controversy usually does in this business of television. Inspired, I have come up with the idea of using other shameful practices and periods of the past to update several popular reality shows.
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A Walking Tour of St. Petersburg and Environs with Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
7 a.m.: Meeting place--N_____ office. Walk slowly along S. Place until you come to K. Bridge. Cross K. Bridge and walk all the way to V___ Prospect.
8 a.m.: Stop for breakfast at _____ Hotel ...
8 a.m.: Stop for breakfast at _____ Hotel ...
