Karen Newman

Fiction
Money-Saving Holiday Shopping Tips from the Wizard of Oz I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE. Those who come before me cannot help but to cower and quail at my flaming visage. But I still have limits on my credit cards, and during these recessionary times, even mighty despots with enormous Heads have to count their pennies.
It's a Wonderful Life: Alternate Ending In which a middle-aged Harry Bailey, no longer a war hero and still depressed about his older brother’s attempted suicide, himself begins to consider jumping off a bridge but is interrupted by an absent-minded angel.
Fiction
Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of Advent Days 1 – 10: DENIAL December already? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME! I wonder if any radio stations have switched to Christmas music yet. I should go caroling this year. How does that work--are there clubs? I definitely need to put up...
Happy Festival of Lights! Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah! (Let's settle on the spelling. No more of that "ch" crap.)
Black Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store! Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.-rejected Chinese brand prices! Yup. We're gonna run this one every year.
How To
Turducken Cookin': John Madden's Favorite Thanksgiving Day Feasts from Around the World The football gourmand's recipes for Kangaby, Hippeleraffe, and Humanzee for your holiday feast.
Fall Vacation Back soon ... for reals!
Summer Vacation! Back soon!
Fiction
Ben Bernanke's Gotta Feeling Enter the Black-Eyed Peas! You know the gang: Fergie, will.i.am, that curious hypeman of indeterminate Afro/Asian stock, and there's also one other guy. With their mega-hit "I Gotta Feeling," the Peas hit the nail on the proverbial head with respect to what needs to happen in this country economically.
Wallace Stevens's Five Hundred Ways of Looking at the Indianapolis 500 The modernist poet's take on the the Greatest Spectacle in Racing.
How To
Teaching English in Europe: Conversation Prompts It's every teacher's nightmare. Your students just won't talk! Well, loosen 'em on up with the following conversation prompts!
Features
Europa Europa! What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic / I've Decided to Start Acting More French / I Think I Need to Dispell Some Misconceptions about My Six-Foot-Tall Swedish Ladyfriend Who Happens to Be a Licensed Massage Therapist / European Hip-Hoppers / Temping in Vatican City / The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation / Eurotrash / Part of Your Complete International Breakfast
Listicles
The Swiss Miss Index Your guide to Swedes and Swiss.
The 25th Hour A Y.P.R. salute to 24.
Fiction
Reviews for Kiefer Sutherland's 24: Live on Stage "Very long." --Cleveland Play Review
Listicles
50 Unanswered Questions on Lost What the hell is going on? Does anyone have any Dramamine?
Fiction
"Ripped from the Headlines...": Law & Order Signs Off "A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf, Creator of TV's Law & Order" and "Letter to Chris Noth: 'Mr. Big,' 'Detective Logan,' and Owner of N.Y.C.'s Cutting Room"
Listicles
Things I Have Done for a Klondike Bar What would you do-ooo-oooo for ...?
Fiction
Things I've Said into Mirrors Recently You are interesting. You have a great singing voice. You are talking into a puddle of urine in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday's.
Poets Appealing to College Students "I Wandered as High as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth, and more.
How To
So, You've Decided to Become a Drifter The life of a drifter is lonely, hard and trying, but when you're lying there, sprawled across a bench at the bus station, you can take pride in knowing that you're helping other people feel better about their choices in life.
Fiction
Quintus Masters, Apprehensive 19th-Century Whaler, Talks to Teenagers What calamitous folly! Surely the scant rations of fresh water, biscuits, and turtle meat stowed on board are insufficient for sustaining the crew on such a long and treacherous endeavor.
Fiction
Giant Radioactive Ant ... in Love (Excerpt) With the success of Stephenie Meyer's vampire abstinence parable novels, the Twilight series, publishers are scrambling to move forward with their own monsters-in-love novels.
How To
Not-So-Famous Last Words Match the not-so-famous last words below with their famous speaker!
Listicles
Observations of Gregory Ash, Trash Culture Snob * When viewing paparazzi photos, refers the reverent diplomacy of JustJared.com to the nihilistic insouciance of PerezHilton.com
Mother's Day Mayhem This year, Mother's Day is gonna be OFF THA HOOK!
Fiction
The Search-Engine-Optimized Marriage Proposal Things changed when you came into my life. You were my free credit report, and you showed me I had potential. Our love is like Justin Bieber.
Listicles
P.R. Slogans Considered at the 2010 Pontifical Ad Council on Anglican Conversion Vatican City: Come for the Intolerance, Stay for the Guilt
Listicles
Southern Church Flavors The finest flavors from God's kitchen.
Listicles
Warning-Label Copy That Would Benefit from Tighter Editing Careful, the beverage you're about to enjoy may be extremely hot. And there's a good chance you won't even enjoy it, actually. You know how it has that weird burnt taste sometimes, especially when Travis makes it?
Will Leitch Is Winning Huzzah and kudos to Y.P.R.'s pal Mr. William Fauntleroy Leitch, whose new book, Are We Winning?, lands in bookstores today.
Fiction
A Child-Prodigy Chemist, a Boisterous but Well Mannered Pirate, and Jean-Paul Sartre Trade Schoolyard Insults While Sharing a Lifeboat "The cooties!? No, no, it is the unwashed corsaire who carries the cooties, not moi."
Fiction
Demotivational Speaker Murph Murphy Addresses the Cast of the Henry David Thoreau Middle School Production of West Side Story On Tuesday night, you will be faced with the formidable task of taking a beloved Leonard Bernstein classic and reïmagining it through your pre-teen eyes without reinforcing overtly racist Puerto Rican stereotypes.
Fiction
Autobiography of a Douchebag: Epilogue, First Submission to the Editor I've been to hell and back. Sometimes hell doesn't look like hell. Sometimes it looks like $5,000 bottles of Champagne and deep-fried foie gras from geese that were force-fed veal. Sometimes hell is fucking delicious.
Fiction
Sample Greeting Card Copy from Deadbeat Husbands "I'm sorry I hit you at Arby's."
Fiction
More Thirty-Second Mysteries with Jaguar Jones! Jaguar Jones, detective-for-hire extraordinaire, stopped in his tracks at the shrill sound of a woman screaming in distress. Local buxom young vixen, Brittany McBongos, burst through her front door wearing only a towel and ran straight into Jaguar's arms.
Listicles
Google Maps Gives Me Directions 1. Head nowhere - last 10 yrs or so
Fiction
When Are You Going to Publish My Motherfucking Children's Book? I sent you guys a manuscript almost two fucking weeks ago and haven't heard dick yet. What gives?
Earth Day Some Nature Haiku / Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father / The Effects of Global Warning / Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming
Listicles
The Effects of Global Warning Color-coded warnings applied to ice-cream supply in school cafeterias
Five Poems by a Cranky Old Man The cranky old author of these poems lives with his middle-aged son's family in Toledo, Ohio. It was his daughter-in-law who suggested that he take up some kind of hobby like poetry.
Four and Twenty Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine's Special Issues / Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future ... / Billy Mays Tries to Sell You Some Weed
Underrated
Five Underrated Life Moments Discovering the Fallibility of your Parents / Second Base / Hitting Rock Bottom / Codependence / Giving Up Your Dreams
Kapitoil & Trouble Erstwhile Y.P.R. contributor Teddy Wayne publishes a book. A book!
The Cougar Cougar! Cougar! what a sight / In the bars and clubs of night, / What callow man or guy / Could resist thy lustful try?
Romeo and Juliet: The Hipster Version But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / I can't see because of my wayfarers are all dirty.
Poems! We've Got More Poems! Postage Due / Spam the Man / Andy and the Puma / Hippies, Hair Metal, and How I Learned to Stop Watching Television
Two Poems Andy & the Puma / Hippies, Hair Metal, and How I Learned to Stop Watching Television
Postage Due The post office has raised the postage rate again.
Spam the Man This is a poem. Not spam. I'm not the widow of the former Nigerian foreign minister ...
Underrated
Five More Underrated Songs Five more underrated gems, courtesy the inimitable Mr. DiClaudio.
Fiction
The Future of Public Access Television Depends on You Whatever your TV tastes, we depend on you for support, because the N.E.A. won't even return our calls.
Fiction
Batman's Financial Missteps Most of his money was tied up in real estate, blind trusts and his collection of pewter baby dishes, so to pay for the Batcave's modernization, Batman took out a sizable loan from his Hall of Justice 401(k).
Fiction
My Second Day as a Somali Pirate You worry about me handling a gun, but if I was entrusted to help run a multibillion-dollar hedge fund at Lehman Brothers, I can use this thing.
Fiction
Lesser-Known Stats from the 2009 Major League Baseball Season Courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau Since the club began tracking the statistic in 1996, Justin Russo, age 11 months, 23 days, became the fourth youngest Red Sox fan in Fenway Park history to utter a clearly audible "Jeter Sucks" at the Sox-Yankees game on August 21st.
Underrated
Five Underrated Funny People Inspired by this poorly ranked top 25 list, (http://insidemovies.moviefone.com/2010/03/17/funniest-actors-in-hollywood-movies/), let's take a look at five underrated funny people working today...
Listicles
Overheard at Ted Nugent's Easter Egg Hunt Hey, did you take the last Peep? Seriously, man, did you take my last Peep?
A Pantheon of Greek-Myth Mirth Enslaved by the Bell: Greek Titans and Gods in High School / Sisyphus Dabbles in Haiku / Dionysus, Applebee's Server / Alfred Tennyson's "Release the Kraken!"
Alfred Tennyson's "Release the Kraken!" If only Liam Neeson needed a paycheck, the Kraken could unleash hardcore C.G.I. dreck.
Sisyphus Dabbles in Haiku Some things are certain / Death and taxes, for instance / Also, gravity
Fiction
Dionysus, Applebee's Server Our Red Apple Sangria will gush forth from these very walls over our shivering bodies.
Listicles
Writers' Blocks Possible Noms de Plume I Might Use for My Novel / T.S. Eliot's Opinions of the Other Eleven Months / The Steamboat Sessions: Early Musings of Samuel Clemens / Five Early Working Titles for The Vagina Monologues / Great Works of Literature AutoSummarized by Microsoft Office Word 2003 Edition
Fiction
Greenberg 2: Greenberg Down Under Greenberg is back and anti-social as ever!
Listicles
Possible Noms de Plume I Might Use for My Novel Fyodor Rudyard Greatwriter and other great fake names.
Listicles
Great Works of Literature AutoSummarized by Microsoft Office Word 2003 Edition Great Expectations, Moby-Dick, Ulysses, and more in 90 seconds.
Listicles
The Steamboat Sessions: Early Musings of Samuel Clemens I have never let my schooling interfere with my learnin'.
Listicles
T.S. Eliot's Opinions of the Other Eleven Months October? Is that the fat one?
Fiction
Apostles: The Original Entourage HBO's exclusive first look.
Fiction
Novels Submitted for Consideration at a Literary Agency I have no previous writing credits, but my caseworker and my parole officer both read Last Breath and loved it. Please send your offer of representation and the advance from the publisher within seven days. I need the money to get my car out of impound.
Passover Rehash Why should this night be different from all other nights?
Fiction
Selections from Henry David Thoreau's Lost Walden Chapter: "The Last Month of Winter" Why didn't I bring anything with at least a little bit of color in it? My red bowtie? My nice set of blue drinking glasses?
Listicles
Reality Horror Shows Flip This House of Wax
Listicles
Yo-Momma-So-Fat Jokes from Bible Camp Yo momma so fat, after 40 days and 40 nights of rain, her feet were still dry.
Underrated
Five Underrated Songs Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the eclectic Mr. Matthew Tobey.
Hooray for Healthcare! Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s most medicinal mirth.
March Madness 2010 Reprinting some of our leftover basketball stuff.
Listicles
First Lines of Rejected College Essays College campuses would be much safer places if students were allowed to carry guns.
Fiction
"Puppies for Sale" Fliers That Really Work For sale: puppy. You can't tell by this photo, but this puppy looks EXACTLY like Denzel Washington.
Listicles
Least Popular Facebook Quizzes Which Teenage Vampire Would You Support for U.S. Senator? (My result: Bella from Twilight)
Ogden Nash for Pitchfork Feeling sick on Bedford Street? / Try nerd guitar with a Williamsburg beat!
Fiction
Rejected Pitchfork Reviews David Mamet on Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism; Shel Silverstein on Kanye West; Ernest Hemingway on Radiohead's Kid A; and more.
Fiction
Pitchfork Reviews Albums That Don't Exist Straight up: this album would be one of the more impressive debuts of 2010 if it was or ever had been created by a band that was at some point formed.
Fiction
If Pitchfork.com Reviewed A Pitchfork If you're looking for faults, start with the handle. Sparks literally fly with such immediacy at the mere touch of the fiberglass handle that one wonders if Radius Garden thinks Coulomb's Law is nothing more than a prime-time network procedural drama.
Listicles
Popular 80s Songs About Zombies (I Always Feel Like) Somebody's Eating Me
Underrated
Five Underrated Songs Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the excellent Ms. Kittenpants.
Listicles
Wit of Winston "Cheap and nasty," said Churchill, "How I like my whores."
Fiction
Liberals are Ruining the World of Warcraft I'm Glenn Beck, the voice of the Real Azeroth. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about the Lich King.
Fiction
The Toyota Tirades Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn't forget the voice-activated navigation system.
Listicles
Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming Dontcha know it got cold when God heard we were worried 'bout the weather gettin' warmer!
Fiction
Now That You've Found My "Creepy" Twilight Shrine: A Few Points for Rebuttal While I feel it was inappropriate of me to have Photoshopped Robert Pattinson over your face in the pictures on my desk, I was hurt that you failed to notice the quality and detail of the vector mask that I employed.
Fiction
The Olympian I laughed when I realized that I was kind of drunk, because wouldn't I choose the night before my big day to challenge a motorcycle gang to a drinking contest.
Fiction
Kanye the Cognoscente I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish.
Non-Fiction
Why the 1981 James Bond Movie For Your Eyes Only Is the Greatest Motion Picture Ever Made A biathlon that turns into a snow-skiing chase scene with motorcycles.
Listicles
Lesser-Known Rules of Fight Club We don't beat people in your bathroom; please don't pee in our basement.

 

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