Yankee Pot Roast: Listicles Archives

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"Yo' Momma" Jokes, as Told by Nerds

Greg Boose

Your Mother is so slow she uses the ISA Slot and 1000KB of RAM.

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Hobo or Fast Food Entrée?

Chris Elzinga

Can you tell a can o' beans from a bum?

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Unpopular Summer Treats

Mark Peters

Delicious when it's hot.

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Ways of Having One's Hashbrowns That Have Been Removed from the Waffle House Repertoire for One Reason or Another

Lucas Klauss

Embarrassed (with red peppers)

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Questions from Val Kilmer upon Being Tapped to Provide the Voice of KITT for NBC's New Knight Rider Series

Joe Gullo

How a big-time movie actor winds up doing automotive voiceover.

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Rival Gangs Considered, but Ultimately Rejected, for the 1979 film The Warriors

Dan Alamia

The Watermelon Gang vs. the Satin Kings

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Two (2) Listicles

An itemized list of lists.

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More Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers

Mike Richardson-Bryan

Equine Nomenclature Gamblers Should Avoid

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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People I Know

Tyler Stoddard Smith

Seven tips for guaranteed success.

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Rejected Sympathy Card Sentiments

Dena Taylor

— Etc. —

Science & Medicine

Unfortunate Typos; Musical Ailments; F.A.Q.s for Girls

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Unfortunate Typos in My Research Manuscript Draft

Timon Buys & Ian Wilson

“Those whore ceived treatment …”

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Rock Band or Human Ailment?

David Semeniuk

Earth, Wind, and Fibromyalgia

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F.A.Q. Answers from The "What's Going on with My Body?" Book for Girls, by Dr. Harold Iskis, Family Research Council

Lucas Klauss

Here's where the "va-jay-jay" is.

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Autographed Items in Which the Item Is Precious and the Signer Is Famous but the Incongruity of Their Combination Diminishes Their Value

The game ball for Super Bowl XXIII, autographed by David Hyde Pierce

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Less Than Impressive Facts about Chuck Norris

Michael Baylis

Chuck Norris lives in Houston.

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Things I Suspect Carlos Mencia Has Stolen from Me, Other Than Jokes

Jen Statsky

My original television series concept, entitled Central Nervous System of Mencia ...

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So, What Is Not an International Zionist Plot?

Daniel Brauer

By President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran

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European Hip-Hoppers

Michael Baylis

Old World Rap.

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Spanish Words I Learned over Spring Break

Tyler Stoddard Smith

¡Cerveza!

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Over the Partition with Nary a Bounce: Home Run Calls I'd Love to Hear

Daniel McArdle

The fat lady of myth and legend may have not sung as yet, but she is most certainly humming a rather jaunty tune! [Said while tipping back boater hat and pouring out a handful of crackerjack.]

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Ultimate Power Anthems of the Agnostic

Tyler Stoddard Smith

Shout to the Lord (Seems, in All Honesty, a Reactionary, if Not Drunken, Outburst Unworthy of the Most Rudimentary A Priori Examination)

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Things I Would Do if God Were Proven Nonexistent

Chris Elzinga

Stop burning Harry Potter books.

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Lesser-Known Quotations from Famous People

Zach Oberman

Some notable words that never made Bartlett's.

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Names for Baby Girls Born to Chemists

Timon Buys & Ian Wilson

From Ester to Lauryl

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The Cruelest Nicknames in Modern Operatic History

Daniel McArdle

Perverotti

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Hip Hopsticles

Jimmy Chen

Why LL Cool J is Going Back to Cali | Why Rap Is Freezing | Instructions from Michael Jackson

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Eggs on the Brunch Menu of the Restaurant I Probably Shouldn't Open

Jocelyn Jane Cox

Move over, Moons Over My Hammy®.

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Dirty Deeds Done Not So Dirt Cheap

Tyler Stoddard Smith & Greg Boose

Pricey pranks and ostentatious malevolence.

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Lives of the Mutant Ninja Turtles

Lucas Klauss

Midlife crises on the half-shell.

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Everything I Need to Know I Learned Watching Bravo

Lydia Ondrusek

Or: Is Top Chef On Yet?

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Led Zeppelin's "Essential" Reading List: North American Tour, 1977

Tyler Stoddard Smith

Compiled from Robert Plant's outstanding library fees.

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Classic Kung Fu Titles That Would Make for Some Disturbingly Bad Porn

Daniel McArdle

Seven Blows of the Dragon

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Platypus-Based Expressions to Disarm Friend & Foe Alike

Daniel McArdle

"Enough of your duck-billed platitudes …"

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Popular Adages from Surly Richard's Almanack

Lucas Klauss

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and I hate you."

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Most Tortured Pitchfork Descriptions of Singers' Voices

Michael Rottman

"… like Björk if she were on a bus driven by Leslie Feist that only stopped at Ronnie Spector's smoke-filled diner."

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Yo-Momma-So-Fat Jokes Through the Ages

Mike Richardson-Bryan

Yo momma so fat, when Rome fell, she broke its fall.

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If the Beatles Were Jews

Matthew Sewell

"You’ve Got to Hide Anne Frank Away"

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Some HTML Tags and Text I Hope I Never Write

Greg Boose

The <a href=http://www.joinrudy2012.com/> President </a> took office this month.

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Topical Punch II: Kool-Aid Flavors of the Go-Go 80s That Never Quite Made It

Mike Drach

Thirstysomething?

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Five Things Thomas Pynchon Will Never Say

Daniel McArdle

“Thanks, Oprah. Great to be back.”

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Tom Hanks Films, Arranged in Diminishing Vicinity to the Ocean

Jimmy Chen

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More Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men

Frank Ferri

Benny Basic Cable, Airbags Malloy, Barry A'Tricks, Serotonin-Sucking Sal, and Angelo The Milkman.

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Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men

Frank Ferri

Vinnie the Exfoliator, Paper Cuts Ralphie, Cinnabon Louie, and Dominic the Dactyl Displacer.

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Post-9/11 Alternatives to No Fear

Amol Ray

Giuli Couture
Terror Alert Colors of Benetton
Holliburton
Axis of Evil & Fitch
American Apparel

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The Best Damn Sports Show Period Presents the Top End-Zone Celebrations of 2007

Phil Andersen, C.P.A.

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson is fined $10,000 by the N.F.L. for "excessive irony."

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Programs That the Discovery Channel Opted Not to Air During Shark Week

Greg Boose

My Super Sweet 16 Rows of Teeth

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Lesser Known Characters from Dickens's A Christmas Carol

Laurence Hughes

Dick Dicklewicker, Tucker Bisby, Sweets Plushbottom, and more minor players from the holiday classic.

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A Treasury of Best-Loved Bolshevik Christmas Carols

Mike Richardson-Bryan

O Come, All Ye Fearful

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My Problems with Story Problems

Brian Beatty

1.) Incomplete narrative arcs.
2.) One-dimensional characterizations.
3.) Who still travels by train?

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Blue Öyster Cult's Early Choices for Potential but Ultimately Discarded Band Names

Tyler Stoddard Smith

Believe it or not, not a single cowbell joke.

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Short-Lived Reality TV Shows (If Television Had Existed Back Then)

Dena Taylor

Survivor Pompeii

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Designer Dog Breeds: Rapper's Edition

Nora Fussner

Fox Hound + Schnauzer = Fo Schnizzle

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Chance Cards in Liberty City Monopoly

Mike Richardson-Bryan

You receive your cut from a jewel heist: collect $50

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Drunken Comebacks I'll Remember to Say Next Time I'm Not So Drunk

Andrew Kiraly

"Check your mouth's inbox. My fist has sent it an Evite."

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Tongue Untwisters

Geoff Haggerty & Chris Principe

Peter Piper bought a tractor.

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Rod Stewart Songs Titles, Ordered to Tell the Story of His Public Life

Katelyn Sack

Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?

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What Various People Would Turn Into if, Subject to the Rules Established for the Care of Mogwai in the 1984 Movie Gremlins, They Were Fed after Midnight

Andrew Kiraly

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Prominent Organizations Whose Missions Would Change Drastically with the Addition of a Single Word

Frank Ferri

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Rejected Titles for Beyoncé's New Album, Inspired by Today® Contraceptive Sponge FAQs and the "Bubblestand" Episode of SpongeBob SquarePants

William Walsh

Nulliparous
Pelvic Woo
Natural Vaginal Tissue
Bubble-Wand
Bring-It-Around-Town ...

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Ways in Which Tom Cruise Is Like Jesus Christ

Matt Evans

1. Stereotypically Semitic facial features.
2. Low body fat.
3. Great with fans.
4. Has ambiguous, controversial relations with women.
5. Reads from right to left ...

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The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Tuesdays with Morrie Author Mitch Albom

Andrew Kiraly

F5: Earnestness checker
Ctrl- +: increases pathos
Ctrl- -: decreases pathos
Alt-H: Renders highlighted passage in veil of gentle yet poignant humor ...

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Things You May Exclaim After Tumbling Down a Flight of Stairs That Turn Out to Be Made Entirely of Funnel Cake

Lucas Held

Whoa!
I'm … completely O.K.!
What the--!
There goes my diet!
The powdered sugar knocked my teeth out … probably … eventually!

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If Mice Could Speak

Wayne Gladstone

Glue traps would continue to wane in popularity. There would be at least ten swear words for “cat.” They would cringe in embarrassment every time Mickey opened his mouth. Lab scientists would need really thick skin. White mice would be...

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A Typical Day for Sagat from Street Fighter

Geoff Haggerty & Chris Principe

Tiger Shower
Tiger Bagel
Tiger Bus Ride

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Corollaries to Godwin's Law

Mike Richardson-Bryan

"As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one."

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Kool-Aid Flavors of the Go-Go 90s That Never Quite Made It

Mike Drach

O.J. Sippin’

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Eleven Scenes that Help Explain Why They Pulled the Plug on M. Night Shyamalan's Cinematic Adaptation of Life of Pi

Stephen Ausherman

A precocious but pensive boy explains that Pi was dead all along and that the tiger is really Bruce Willis.

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Literary Terms Derived Not from the Greek, but From The Brady Bunch

Eric Feezell

Jantagonist ...

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Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter's Bat Mitzvah

Aaron Spiewak

--At no point should the bat mitzvah girl be addressed as a “bitch”, “ho”, etc., even if it fits in iambic pentameter. --All entourage members will be asked to disarm and turn over gats before the commencement of the horah ...

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Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers

Mike Richardson-Bryan

Average at Best
Ayn Rand's Condescending Sigh
Buyer's Remorse
Colic the Wonder Horse . . .

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Intimidation Strategies to Be Avoided in a Street Fight

Wayne Gladstone

Making Threats That Incorporate Literary References
"Get out of my face before I come down on you like Don Quixote on a windmill."
"You, my friend, have just made a choice even more flawed and inevitably tragic than King Lear’s."
"Everywhere you turn, I’m gonna haunt your ass like Cathy to Heathcliff."
2. Brandishing Inappropriate Accessories . . .

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Selected Titles of Hollywood Westerns Gayer than Brokeback Mountain

Advance to the Rear (1964) The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin (1967) Along Came Jones (1945) Along the Mohawk Trail (1957) As Man to Man Back in the Saddle (1941) Back to the Woods (1937) Backlash (1956) The Bandit Queen...

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Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked

Mary Phillips-Sandy

Ne'er-Do-Wells, Shams, Thoughtless Cads, Fusspots, Whippersnappers, and more ...

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Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children's Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content

Wayne Gladstone

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Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent

Dale Dobson

I still really like your screenplay for Gremlins

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What I Could Have Done to that Jerk Who Asked Me "Hey You Know Karate?" Had I Actually Known Karate

James Yeh

Walked over to him and listed some of the other possible questions that he could have asked using common Asian stereotypes as a template:"Hey you eat dog?""Hey you know math?""Hey you make my car?" Directed obscene gestures toward him while...

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Numerous Events That Should Be Included in the Film Adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Order to Widen Its Urban Appeal

Andrew Sheivachman

Instead of mourning for godfather Sirius Black, Harry should spill a forty in his dead homie's honor. Quidditch should be dropped as Hogwarts’ official school sport; perhaps And-1's roster of notorious 'Playaz' could be employed to hasten the conversion to...

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Having Felled Gore Vidal with a Punch, Only to Hear the Line “Words Fail Norman Mailer, Yet Again,” Mr. Mailer Can Only Come Up with Answers in the Car, on the Way Home

Whit Coppedge

No -- they fail you! As if they don’t, as well, sometimes also fail you, too. Sometimes. Bore Vidal. Just fuckin’ with you, man. Yeah? Well, self-defense fails you. Fat lips fail Gore Vidal. [Note: could lead to retaliatory...

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Kafka + 2

David John

Discarded from Early Drafts of Kafka’s Metamorphosis

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Three Quick Ones

David John

Really Tough Improv Suggestions

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The Gradual Decline of the I Love the ... Sidebars

Claire Zulkey

Crappier by the decade.

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Some Good Possible Names for an Emo Band, Inspired by the 1986 Motion Picture Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Rooney Save Ferris Voodoo Economics Snooty the Isms Let My Cameron Go the Sausage Kings of Chicago 9 Times Fry Cook on Venus McClurg the Fascist Anarchists Clammy Hands He’ll Keep Callin’ Me Greasy Garage-Attendant Joyride Smashing Ferraris Trophy...

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Sem Ordnilap Ytir Belec: Celebrity Palindromes

“Lisa Bonet ate no basil.” — Lenny Kravitz, summing up their last lunch date.

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J.F.K. & J.F.K.

Matthew Tobey

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The Ten Most World-Famous Belgians in the World

Kevin O Cuinn

Can I name 10 world-famous Belgians? Not including tennis players? Are you serious? Belgians!?! You do mean Belgians, as in ‘citizens of Belgium,’ n’est ce pas? Oui? Pas de problem, dude. Sure I know where it’s at. It’s in Europe...

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13 Things You Can Do with That

Bobby Rufferto

1. Belt it; cinch it. 2. Give it to your in-laws under the guise of a peace offering and then cram it down their cheapskate throats. 3. Take it for a romantic walk in the park. Enjoy a picnic on...

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“Social Studies,” if You Know What I Mean

Names of Some National Parks that Sound Like Titles of Pornographic Films The Badlands Big Bend National Park Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area Cumberland Gap National Historic Park Dry Tortugas National Park Grand Teton National Park Hot Springs Little Bighorn...

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Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Erotica

The English “Roses” by Madonna The Maladroit Vicar & the Impenetrable Bodice I've Got the Hots for LorraineWho Wants to Fuck a Millionaire? You Gold-Diggin' Whore.Yo Deseo Entrer Sus Pantalones Well-Hung Jewish Men (a Novella) Sex Me Up, Sex...

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Terms of Endearment

Nicknames I Have for My Girlfriend’s Cha-Cha Ruth Dolores Vera Bessie Gina Enid Gladys Pilar Delicious Mushpuff Mary-Ann Ann-Marie Indira Fred Gwendolyn Hoobastank Imelda Basement Jaxx Cheech Chong Sweet & Lowdown Nicknames My Girlfriend Has for My Manhood Roger...

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More New TV Shows Premièring This Week

Gay-Themed Teleision Shows Premièring on Bravo Really Flamboyantly Queer Eye for Queer Guys that Are Only Moderately Queer Homo See, Homo Do How's Your Gaydar?: A Game Show Gays A-Poppin' Want To Have A Fag? (a British import) 8...

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Let's Go France!

French Things that Stink (on Purpose) Pepe Le Pew Cheese French Things that Stink (Unintentionally) Paris Chirac EuroDisney Red-and-white-striped shirts and berets Mimery Henrí, the dude who tried to steal Woody Boyd's girlfriend The unconditional love and admiration of...

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Louis XIV's To-Do List

ç Don't shower ç Grope chambermaid ç Piss in chamber pot. Toss out window. ç Diddle the houseboy. ç Don't shower ç Call Marie re: cake ç Gaze at my reflection in mirrored hallway. Hump my reflection. Belch. ç Scratch...

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Possible Names for My Rock Band

Goes to Bollywood Vömit Johnny Clash Men without Work Retro Johnny and the Kitschy References Stinkbömb. Kick Ass, Falco The Mama's Boys Wheezin' Jesus and the Asthmatics Holy Inhaler: a Tribute to Wheezin' Jesus and the Asthmatics Carol Burnett...

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8 Simple Rules for Dating My Mutated Cloned Offspring

T. J. Coates

My mutated cloned offspring is just like me, except for the extra digits. So be nice and gentle. And wear gloves. And bring gloves for it. Make sure to knit a couple of extra fingers in the gloves, or, at...

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Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Travel

Don't Drink the Water: A Guide to Everywhere Outside the United States England for Just Under $180 A Day Italy from Heel to Toe (Get it? It looks Like a Boot!) I Left My Heart in Saudi Arabia, Along with...

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Potty Humor

Things I’ve Dropped into the Toilet at Work my co-worker's Zagat's guide my wristwatch, while trying to retrieve my coworker's Zagat's guide. my pants, while trying to retrieve my wristwatch a bagel and cream cheese surgical tubing, 1/8" in...

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George Washington's To-Do List, July 4, 1776

-- Get gay-looking white wig adjusted

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Four Fours

Four Things I Wish I Were Hung Drunk An original cast member of Porky's A strip-club D.J. Four Things Gilbert Gottfried Is Not (Now) Dead Funny Handsome Wide-eyed Four Best Performances by Quadrupeds in Films Gopher, Caddyshack Puxatawny Phil,...

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Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Self-Help

Deflating Your Pompous Ego:Getting Your Sorry-Ass Feet Back Down on Solid Ground, You Big Jackass It's Not Your Fault, It's Theirs 3 Steps to Personal HappinessorWhy Tequila Makes Everything Better Are You Taking Enough Pills? When Life Hands You...