Happy Festival of Lights!
Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah! (Let's settle on the spelling. No more of that "
ch" crap.)
Ogden Nash for Pitchfork
Feeling sick on Bedford Street? / Try nerd guitar with a Williamsburg beat!
Dunne Done.
Upon returning to New York City, I attended a benefit for the Bichon Frisé Society, at the Puck Building, hosted this year by my good friend Liza Minnelli, (who looks better each time I see her); and a good friend of my son Griffin's, Gwenyth Paltrow, the daughter of my good, old friend Blythe Danner. Many of New York's
grande dames were in attendance, as well as a number of up-and-coming young actors, a few regulars from Page Six, and that rascal David Patrick Columbia. It is an event of star-studded revelry and finger food (catered by Mario Batali).
Diablo Cody Tells a Joke
First of all, I am so not worthy of this. I mean, now that I'm all problemed-out Hollywood-style, it's queer (not gay) for me to hang out and just talk or whatevs. Wait--hold on--I'm going to Tweety-Tweet like Sylvester is raging!
The Tyra Banks Show Seder
With special guests Snoop Dogg, Bret Michaels, and FLAVOR FLAAAAAV!
A David Foster Wallace Valentine
Did it ever occur to you that the simple phrase "Be My Sweetheart" (hereafter referred to as B.M.S.) has been occluded by the desalinization of love, or rather the concept of love, which has been transmuted into an ironic declaration of faux-sentiment for the benefit of self-fulfillment of sheeplike masses (SLM) with the endless Hollywoodization and crass consumer-mongering of the media bouyed by the post-Christmas Holiday onslaught of sales-driven shelf-filling multinational retail conglomerates intent on upping the ante on first-quarter revenue?
Bret Michaels Considers the Candidates
I really dig that Obama. Sharp guy and young, too. So I think Barack Obama would rock my vote because he's probably the only candidate who knows my music. Cool name, too!
Notes on How My Irrational Fear of Organ-Harvesting Has Been Killing My Chances of Random Hookups in N.Y.C.
Stylish woman, late 20s, slightly Eastern European accent. Black mini-dress, heels. Drinks white wine. Wants to take me home and drug me to harvest my kidneys.
Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah!
Settle on the spelling. Market the
latkes. More songs! Gina Gershon & other hot Jewesses.
Amazon Rankings of Children's Books by Christopher Hitchens
Mommy's Not Going to Heaven,
"Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children!"
My Stunt-Book Pitches Currently under Review
Pots and Pans: In which I spend one (1) calendar year getting high smoking pot and going to movies and writing about it.
The Love Letters of Cintra Wilson and Dennis Miller
Babe-- So I watched your little Charlotte Rampling-
Night Porter-
China Syndrome meltdown along the information superhighway recently. I don't care what anyone says, while you were Lucy Liu-ing full throttle in the H.O.V. lane of political indignation like Lisa Nowak in a remake of
Vanishing Point ...
Vanity Fair Feature Ledes for 2007-8
Nigella Lawson, the Kennedy clan,
Details magazine, and the rise of China.
Neil Strauss: Updated Notes on The Game for Astronauts
1. Never take no for an answer. When faced with potential competition, especially in a dangerous A.L.T. (Astronaut Love Triangle), the A.F.C. (Average Frustrated Chump) will fold; but the P.U.A. (Pick-Up Artist)--man or woman--will try to annihilate the competition ...
Former Gawker Editor Jessica Coen's First Day at Vanity Fair Online
9 a.m. - 9:45 a.m.Pep talk from Graydon Carter in his office. Wonders quietly about his repeated use of the phrase "
J-school," and whether he means
journalism school or if he is referencing
Jews.
36 Hours: Penn Station
Beneath the teeming streets of the City That Never Sleeps is a bustling subterranean microcosm inhabited by aspiring vacationers and weary commuters aching to make their connections via the extensive network of subways and railroads.
Zakk Wylde for the Weather Channel
It's fuckin' sick, bro. We got a summer weather pattern happening all across the South and West. 96 in Dallas, 98 in Montgomery, ONE HUNDRED in Atlanta--so ice down that beer, ya know what I mean?
Enthrone Rachael Triumphant: Alternate Pilot Concepts Featuring Rachael Ray
In late 2005, Ray signed a deal with Oprah Winfrey and King World Productions to host a syndicated daytime TV talk show in fall 2006.
Lifetime: Television For Women Original Movies in Development for Fall/Spring 2006/2007
A battered wife (Baxter-Birney) exacts revenge on her abusive husband with the business end of a revolver blah blah blah yawn.
The New York Post Lifestyle: Thersday
Look out, Eve Ensler, and move over, Madonna--there's a new girl in town who loves vaginas--and her name is Dr. Carol Schiffman.
The New York Times Slash Fic
It was the end of a long week at the Gray Lady and the sun had long since gone down when Maureen walked into Alessandra's office.
"Hi. Working late?"
Alessandra looked up from her computer. "Yeah. I'm just putting this piece to bed."
"Is that so?" Maureen winked and tossed her hair . . .
An American Psycho Christmas
"Joy to the World" is being piped in over the din of the late afternoon crush at Saks Fifth Avenue and I am cursing the fact that I have to wait so long for the clerk to return with my credit card. "So how are you going to spend your bonus, Bateman?" Price is already buzzed and I am still nursing my Finlandia as Courtney lights up at the mere mention of money.
Editor's Letter
Lame Ducks and Rocket Launchers Hi there. It's me again. Guess what? George W. Bush is still in the White House in the midst of a second-term presidency and he's still actively waging an unwinnable war at the cost of...
Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com
Hey, gang--I just wanted to throw a few ideas out there to those of you who are rallying on the message boards and MP3 blogs to get the word out!
As Reviewed by Ben Brantley
The latest from
The New York Times's chief theater critic and "celebrity underminer".
The 2005 Associated Press Stylebook Supplement for the Liberal Media
Acceptable synonyms for
Republicans: bastards, Republican bastards, idiots, morons...
Excerpt from Tuesdays with Yasser by Mitch Al-Bomb Hawari
The last class of my old benefactor’s life took place once a week in his compound, by a window where he could watch the I.D.F. soldiers surrounding him, isolating him from all of society. The meetings were on Tuesdays after...
Al-Jazeera Coverage of Ozzfest 2004
The multi-act touring carnival of amoral Western values, (named for the hapless drug-addled singer from the British heavy metal group "Black Sabbath"), unfurled the flags of decadence for the children of the Great Satan.
Reference Letter to the Board of Directors
I first met Dana Dallard last year at this shitty dive on the Lower East Side after our set. Man, I was so fucked up that night.
‘And Another Thing about Bush 43’ by Maureen Dowd
According to the recent yawnfest -slash- impromptu-Q.&A. with Bush 43, he “slept through” the recent breast-baring Janet Jackson high jinks.