Nick Jezarian

Nick's Guff
What's Goin' Down in the Boogie It seems that every time I tell someone I live in the Bronx, they crinkle their brow and make sad puppy dog noises. Let me just grab my little Marcus Dairy milk crate over here and prop myself up, O.K.,...
Dear VH1 So I come home last night and find you’ve commissioned your official nostalgia buffoons to muse about 1999. What the fuck is that? Can I have a moment to breathe here?
Non-Fiction
Hawaii Diarii: Kauai Hark! I have returned from my 11-night journey in the Hawaiian Islands and I bring news. Hawaii wasn’t merely brought into the union to make it a nice round 50 states; these islands have some legitimately American qualities to...
Fiction
My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004 9:31 a.m. Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) takes the floor to begin the day’s senate hearings on the outlawing of gay marriage. As Frist approaches the podium, the Republicans are seen fervently chanting in unison, “Bill the Cat! Bill the Cat!”...
Fiction
Highlights from the Recent Network Upfront Hoopla The clamor for hundreds of millions of big-name marketer shekels has begun between the advertising industry and the various television networks. Who will come out the winner in this game of chance? This intrepid reporter believes that the television viewer...
Nick's Guff
Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs As a child, Memorial Day never held much meaning for me. I simply remembered it as a day when my father would wake at the crack of dawn and head down to the garage to dig through the mounds of...
Pimpin' Like a Pirate Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to introduce our next performer, Pete the Pimpin' Pirate. Pete descends from a long line of piracy, dating all the way back to the dreadful Lazy Eye Lester, who terrorized the high seas...
Nick's Guff
Truce with Hip-Hop Let's call a truce. Seriously. I'll start this feel-good session. On behalf of everyone who has abused the fashizzle kanizzle rapunzeldizzle-esque lingua franca, I apologize. The abuse has become excessive and chaotic in its reach and addictive qualities. I felt...
Nick's Guff
Nick v. The Donald First off, I've been wanting to be an Apprentice for so long, I can feel my cheeks between my teeth. Where I come from, that means I'm jonesing to be an Apprentice, bad. I've always considered Donald Trump a not-so-close...
Fiction
No More Fun Citizens, gather round. Come one, come all. Yes, even you, my little bespectacled devil—Oh, aren’t you a cutie? I bet you’re a lot like Claire Forlani; remove those specs and reveal a sweet nymph. The reason I have called this...
Non-Fiction
.edu: An Exchange with My Alma Mater Dear Binghamton, Thank you for your e-mail concerning Binghamton Homecoming. While I am pleased you consider me a distinguished enough alumnus to keep me informed of key happenings in the Binghamton Universe, I’d like to save you some trouble. After...
Fiction
I Sooooo Need an Intern Sir, first I'd like to thank you for taking the time to meet with me. Now, as you can see, I have a presentation, very in-depth, that I'd like to take you through. No time for shenanigans? No problem, I'll...
Fiction
Where God Lies A Play in One Act Bill: Holy shit, is that a photo shoot with God? John 3:14: Yeah, a spread too. Bill: Is he lying spread-eagle on a map of the Middle East? John 3:14: I think so. Bill: Wicked....
Nick's Guff
[Nick Owes Geoff $5] I for one am a huge admirer of Sir Geoff Wolinetz and his masterful thoughts on the physical world. The manner in which he communicates his anguish is sweetness of the highest order. Geoff, please allow me to share a...
Dear Spike Lee 40 Acres & A Mule Filmworks, Inc. 75 S. Elliot Pl. Third Floor Brooklyn, N.Y. 11217 Dear Spike, I understand you're in the process of suing TNN because they changed their network's name to Spike TV. They said it was...
Nick's Guff
Dear Hip-Hop Dear Hip-Hop, I used to love you but now I hate you. It's not just the rise to fame of 50 Cent either. His name just sounds stupid, 50 Cent, not 50 cents. But I know how peculiar he is...
Fiction
Why Ari Really Quit a.f.: Mr. President, I’m not sure you have the correct use of the word. g.b.: Who’s the president, Ari Atari? a.f.: With all due respect . . . g.b.: Respect or not, who’s the tax-package-proposing, Texas-big-swinging-dick, ride-or-die President of the...
Nick's Guff
Purple Pants I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, I have to warn you. With bed-head aloft, I dug through my pile of clean, unfolded laundry to find a pair of pants. Now I know I don't...
Fiction
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding) “But why are we hiding, Rosencrantz?” “Why, we’re hiding because we don’t want to be seen.” “But if everyone thinks we’re dead, then there’s no need to hide.” “Who said we’re dead?” “Everyone knows Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. It’s...
Fiction
Nueve de Mayo Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for gathering here today. I have been your councilman for a good three weeks now since that unfortunate day when Councilman Peters lost, in dramatic fashion I might add, the bet that he couldn't drink...
Fiction
Prenatal Hoop Dreams My God, look at the size of this kid’s feet. He’s gonna be a monster. What do you mean how can I tell? Just look at them. We have to get this kid into Pete Newell’s Big Man camp...
Nick's Guff
Springtime in the Ghetto As the days warm and genitalia hangs lower My allergies act up as the pollen-riddled days go slower. I feel accomplished looking in my tissue after acting the nose-blower. Can you hear the bells of the ice cream truck? I...
Jay-Z's "Do Re Mi" D’oh—it ain’t a motherfuckin’ deer, it’s something Homer says when he runs out of beer Rhymes with queer, jiggaman1 rockin' phat beats in your ear Re—the light I shine on your broke ass With my ice-laced wrist2, Corona with a...
Fiction
Scenes from Next Week's Episode of "Potato, Come Home!" FADE IN: INT. A SILO SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO – DAY It is 1982 and the potatoes are piled atop one another in difficult living conditions, even for potatoes. The Spuds family sits around waiting to scrub each other after a...
Nick's Guff
XL Essentially, I get paid to play with digital blocks and build castles out of numbers, sorted and formatted and lumped into columns. I’m a wizard of digital carpentry. People, who I vaguely like, hand me numbers in the morning and...
Fiction
A Glimpse into the Domestic Life of my Least Favorite English Professor Professor Grantsome Web stood in front of the automatic doors of a Kohl’s store waiting impatiently for them to open. They had broken his determined stride yet again. For three years, he has been frequenting this store and has been...
Fiction
My Huge Head My name is Jimmy and I have an absurdly large head. It's so big, in fact, I think the most appropriate description might be that it's similar in shape to a humongous melon and in size to a heavy bag....
Nick's Guff
Hasselhoff: A Retrospective As David Hasslehoff and his wife, Pamela Bach, recover from their injuries incurred when, according to police reports, a strong gust of wind blew them off their motorcycle on February 25th, 2003, I would like to share my fondest Hasselhoff...
Fiction
Alternative Uses for Instant Paper Pulp "Listen Mr. Humperdink, computers are making this stuff obsolete! You make a mistake, you type the change and print it out again--simple as pie." "Silence!" "But Mr. Humperdink..." "I said shut yer pie-hole, you mullet-promoting twit! Not another word from...
Fiction
Beef "Why'd ya do it?" The detective knew what he was doing. His questions were blunt and straight-forward and, frankly, much too open-ended for a cop with his pedigree. His line of questioning was awful, to the point he left me...
Nick's Guff
E-mail to G-d From: Nick Jezarian [mailto:nick@yankeepotroast.org] To: god@ Cc: peter@, paul@, jesus@, mary@ Subject: Some questions Date: Monday, March 03, 2003 1:01:19 PM Dear G-d, Before I get fully immersed in the purpose of this letter, I'd like to start by saying...
Fiction
Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy Boston. Ollie the Barber sits on a barber’s chair and looks out his storefront window. Beside him is his assistant (and sole employee), a one-armed, one-eyed, 300-pound midget named Slim. They have been without customers all day. The two barbers...
Fiction
Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind "Whose painting is this? It looks like a lovely house with a purple sky." I loved purple, still do but it bordered on obsession back in the day. No one raised his or her hand. "Children, you really have to...
Cha Cha Cha Grandfather I think about you when Autumn blesses us with the scent of freshly picked apples, As it wafts through the crisp fall air.      I sense your spirit looking down upon me. I can see your strong hands--     Well...
Fiction
Advance Publicity for My Unwritten Masterpiece, in Case I'm Dead I may be dead by the time you read this, my faithful, loving audience. Be fortunate for my foresight, as I have thought to provide this glimpse into the very thing that may or may not have killed me by...

 

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