Non-Fiction Archives
Tales to Admonish
In which Y.P.R. for the first time ever breaks a news story!. 
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I Think I Need to Dispell Some Misconceptions about My Six-Foot-Tall Swedish Ladyfriend Who Happens to Be a Licensed Massage Therapist
She doesn't drive a Volvo. She doesn't drink Absolut. She doesn't like ABBA. She is six feet tall and blonde and super-fucking hot.
She doesn't drive a Volvo. She doesn't drink Absolut. She doesn't like ABBA. She is six feet tall and blonde and super-fucking hot.
My Recent Rejection Slips, Rendered in the Same Manner in which Movie Advertisements Selectively Quote Reviews
"YOUR STORY DID ... MEET OUR STANDARDS..." —American Literary Review
"IT DOES ... MEET OUR EDITORIAL NEEDS ..." —Redivider
"... WE ENCOURAGE YOU ..." —Carolina Quarterly ...
"IT DOES ... MEET OUR EDITORIAL NEEDS ..." —Redivider
"... WE ENCOURAGE YOU ..." —Carolina Quarterly ...
Things We Learned from Eunice and Marvin Weinstein after Buying Their Home in Suburbia
The lady across the street is Greek, but nice.
The young mother three doors down is not very outgoing. She hasn't spoken to the Weinsteins once. But if she's our friend, that's O.K.
That green house used to have lots of beautiful trees in front until Indians moved in ...
The young mother three doors down is not very outgoing. She hasn't spoken to the Weinsteins once. But if she's our friend, that's O.K.
That green house used to have lots of beautiful trees in front until Indians moved in ...
All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Kindergarten Cop
Life lessons from the action-comedy-drama starring Penelope Ann Miller.
Life lessons from the action-comedy-drama starring Penelope Ann Miller.
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Vaguely Valentines
Presenting some of the earliest ever Valentines, unearthed from the 1820s.
Good Times, Bad Times
New to me but apparently familiar to many local readers is a daily newspaper called The New York Times. Although I am generally not a fan of the so-called broadsheet format, I was willing to give this publication a try....
36 Hours: Penn Station
Beneath the teeming streets of the City That Never Sleeps is a bustling subterranean microcosm inhabited by aspiring vacationers and weary commuters aching to make their connections via the extensive network of subways and railroads.
Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot
[Editor's Note: This installment of Guff is brought to you by the lovely and talented former Black Table editor, Aileen Gallagher.]
It only takes a sentence to get out of babysitting for life.
Two acquaintances of mine are recent fathers. One joined the club about a month ago and another a few years ago. Both of these men are writers and I see them around at parties and readings and bars.
It was after a reading that I repelled them. I’ll allow for the fact that I’d been drinking for a while and otherwise might have kept this observation to myself. But I was right, as you’ll see.
Continue reading... here.
It only takes a sentence to get out of babysitting for life.
Two acquaintances of mine are recent fathers. One joined the club about a month ago and another a few years ago. Both of these men are writers and I see them around at parties and readings and bars.
It was after a reading that I repelled them. I’ll allow for the fact that I’d been drinking for a while and otherwise might have kept this observation to myself. But I was right, as you’ll see.
Continue reading... here.
I'm Totally into American Idol
I don't know exactly when I got into American Idol, but it happened. What triggered my interest? I can’t say that I know. All I know is that I’ve put aside the ugly hatred and taken a bold step forward....
Believe the Hype? The Black Table
It was the 19th-century poet Rimbaud--or perhaps it was the 1980s rock 'n' roll duo Tears for Fears... ?
The Black Table: I Only Know Them for Networking Reasons
I only know two of the Black Table's "Big Four," mainly because I rarely come out of my one-bedroom suburban cubbyhole to work the New York media party circuit.
A Quick Roast, Pt. I
Here it is, my tamest Black Table story ...
A Quick Roast, Pt. II
I will forever remain proud that it was I who introduced A.J. to crystal meth.
The Week in Craig
Hi! My name is Amy Blair and I'm totally easy!
Deadeye Dicks
Drawings of and by K.V. found via Google Image search.
Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No!: A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only
The human brain is quite elaborate. It employs electrochemical mechanisms and triggers physiological responses so complex that even science has struggled to understand it all. Many scientists would, in fact, categorize the human brain as a “final frontier.” The depths...
Will Wet Nurse Never Cease?
I often think about starting a wildly prolific rock band and naming it Wet Nurse, simply for the chance that after releasing nine LPs and six EPs in a two-year span, Spin will run a blurb about my tireless efforts...
Dear Nipsey
Selected E-Mails to the Poet Laureate of Television from People who Mistook the Fan Web Site Nipsey Russell's Funky Palace for the Rhymer's Personal Homepage The following are all [sic], except titles and redactions. N.R. ’n' C.N.R. Subj: charles...
How You Say, "Michel"?
"For the new novel, however, having paid Mr. Houellebecq (pronounced WELL-beck) a reported $1.2 million advance, his publisher, Éditions Fayard, has taken no chances." "The French Still Obsess Over Novelist of Despair" by Alan Riding, The New York Times, Sept....
Will the Real Alvy Singer Please Stand Up (Please Stand Up)?
Stephen Rose. [Courtesy Susan Scott Lookalikes.] Antonello Avallone. [Courtesy something in Italian.] Not Woody. [Courtesy Jam Entertainment.] Not Woody and not Soon-Yi, either. [Courtesy Clowning Around.] Not Woody. [Courtesy a sidewalk in Oviedo, Spain.]...
"B.L.T.": A Review
Man, you get jaded as a critic, sitting in your underwear waiting for the mailman to deliver the latest tired release from Neil Young, the latest rehashed Americana crap from that small-town bastard Mellencamp. You hold out hope for the...
A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite
What follows is a transcript of a conversation between Gene Simmons, the bassist for the rock band KISS, and Terry Gross, host of NPR’s "Fresh Air," originally broadcast on February 4th, 2002, with Mr. Simmons’s responses replaced by those of...
Reader’s Block
I hate deciding which book to read. The smallest things sway me. A seagull overhead makes me reach for Lord Jim. The temperature drops to minus one and I’m hunkering down with Miss Smilla’s Feeling for Snow. If I feel...
Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005
An Obituary for the Pontiff, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database's Biographical Information Karol Wojtyla was born May 18, 1920 in Wadowice, Poland. He was 5' 10" tall (1.78 m). He is sometimes credited as Papez...
My Laundromat picks
WASHERS There are eleven machines in all, but for simplicity’s sake, we’ll eliminate the one with two out of three knobs missing, the one with an ominous X of duct tape over the lid, and the one with “brokken” scrawled...
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series
She plans to book into the hotel just after 1:30 p.m. The schedule her secretary gave her before she set out this morning stipulated that the check-in time was 2 p.m., but she is certain that being 30 minutes early...
Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents
Scenario 1: My Father I’m watching “Evening at the Improv” in the mid-90s when my father enters the room. “What are you watching?” he says. “This comedienne named Ellen DeGeneres,” I say. “She’s pretty funny.” He snorts. “Looks like a...
A Brief, Reasoned Argument to Counteract the Two-Second Judgment You’ve Made to Buy Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking
This book is not going to help your fiction. Seriously. Don’t buy it for that. I mean, buy it if you really want to read it, but don’t buy it just because you think it’s got some revolutionary thing to...
Five Disquieting Modern Trends
Look, we don’t want to be whiners or hopeless Luddites, but the modern world is clearly headed in the wrong direction. We’re not talking about hip-hop, computers, or reality TV, all of which we endorse with the zeal of a cocker spaniel at a ha’ smoke1 cook-off on the first day of spring.
Thank-You Notes to America
or, Struggling with Optimism in the Face of a Mandate by Three New Yorkers & a Michigander Dear Youth of America, It’s a good thing you spent this past Tuesday as you would any other: taking bong hits on...
Ten Things You Used to Be Able to Get Away With in Grade School but You Probably Can’t Get Away With at Work
Your boss is really chewing out Jonesy, a colleague and after-work drinking partner, in a manner that you feel is quite inappropriate for the alleged transgression: falling asleep at his desk. So you creep up behind him and quietly get...
Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over “The Tonight Show” in 2009
Project #1: Create Life the Old-Fashioned Waystep one: By Hook or by Crook, Find a GirlfriendC’mon—you’re not so bad, though maybe you should consider losing a few pounds, getting a new haircut, capping that discolored tooth everybody stares at without...
At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004
An Obituary for a Comic, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Jacob Cohen was born in Babylon, New York, in 1921. At some point, he adopted the stage name Rodney...
UPN or Made Up?
“Kevin Hill” Kevin Hill is a hotshot attorney and a hotshot bachelor, until he inherits a 10-month-old baby girl. As he struggles to adapt his lifestyle in order to take care of Sarah, his law firm starts to cut back...
Zello, Dolly!, or, Three Big Boobs
Senator Zell Miller (left), and country singer Dolly Parton. Photo found by Rob Theakston, courtesy of Senator Zell Miller....
Choire Sicha Is Not Who You Think He Is
Ms. Zulkey delivers the inside scoop on Mr. Sicha's secret origins ...
A Very Short Roast
In a remarkably short period of time, Choire has ruined my life in multitudinous ways ...
Choire Sicha, Literary Critic
Titles of books, and the likelihood of their appearance on Choire's bookshelf.
My Site Meter's Best Friend
To see it spelled as he spells it and hear it pronounced as he fancies having it pronounced follows the same logical pattern as pointing to a papaya and saying "fidget."
Choire Destroyed My Art Career
Like a cheap extra in a vampire flick, he chewed up my paintings willy-nilly and spat them out like so much stale Bubble Yum.
Random Thoughts while Watching the I Love the… Series on VH1
It’s 34 years later. Are people really still mad at Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles?
I Hate I Love the 90s
Riding the popular coattails of VH1’s other I Love the-- shows, there’s a new decade in town: I Love the 90s. Personally, I do love the 90s but it’s too soon to be doing a show about it, don’t you...
I Love ... Pt. IV
We wrap up the VH1 wrapup.
I Love ... Pt. III
The Modern Humorist dudes, Loni Love, & Jenna von Öy
I Love . . . Part II
Y.P.R.'s panel of schmucks dissects pop-cultural fads M.C. Hammer, Wendy the Snapple Lady, and Dee Snider.
I Love I Love the 70s, I Love the 80s, I Love the 90s, and I Love the 80s Strikes Back
Critique and commentary from Y.P.R.'s panel of professional nostalgians: Josh Abraham, Donnie Boman, Bunsen, Dennis DiClaudio, Christopher Monks, Matthew Tobey, & Geoff Wolinetz
Hawaii Diarii: Kauai
Hark! I have returned from my 11-night journey in the Hawaiian Islands and I bring news. Hawaii wasn’t merely brought into the union to make it a nice round 50 states; these islands have some legitimately American qualities to...
Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004
An Obituary for a Thespian, Compiled Entirely from Information Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Leonard Rosenberg was born February 26, 1920 and he eventually grew to be five feet, eight inches tall, or 1.73...
Edible Television
One Viewer Takes a Bite out of the Food Network “30 Minute Meals” with Rachael Ray For a long time, watching Rachael Ray cook delicious and healthy meals in under thirty minutes made me sad. She'd things like, “My niece...
Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence
Since the 1959 invention of pantyhose, this single-garment combination of underpants and stockings has been mentioned time and again in the decisions of American appellate courts. Here are the highlights: In trademark dispute, pantyhose and tights not equivalent because pantyhose...
Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family
No pork and no shellfish? What kind of religion is this?
Time Is on My Side; No, It's on My Side
The Intricacies of Daylight Saving Time Silly Season, a.k.a. Daylight Saving Time (DST), is upon us yet again. Residents of the European Union switch to Summer Time at 1:00 a.m. on the last Sunday in March, and all time...
If I Had a Million Dollars
People always ask me what I would do if I had a million dollars. I don't know why people always ask me this. Probably because I owe them around that much, I'd guess.
St. Pat's Facts
Hexadecimal Shades of Green #009900 Hunter #339900 Jade #33cc00 Kelly #339933 Emerald #66ff33 Lime #99ff99 Sea #99cc00 Pea #99ff00 Chartreuse #663300 Mean Joe Vital Stats for Kathy Ireland Height: 5' 11" (1.80 m) Measurements: 34B-24-34 Shoe size: 8 Role in...
Some Replies to “Where’d Ya Get That Shiner?”
I'm tired of telling the story. Nothing happened. It’s just a little bruised. A couple stitches. I fainted in my bathroom over the weekend. I slipped on the ice cleaning off my car. My scarf tripped me into a...
K.B.N. on Engagement Rings
This weekend I was at a BBQ, the kind of scene where all the guests are seated around a patio secretly wondering, “Isn’t there somewhere better I should be?” Anyway, I arrived later than most (O.K., dead last, by several...
K.B.N. on Bridesmaids
As a young girl growing up, a wedding was the stuff of which dreams were made. Starting from the Once Upon a Time straight through to the Happily Ever After, it was near impossible to separate yourself from Cinderella, Snow...
Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff's Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure
Friday, January 30 3:56 p.m. I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to board. Sitting across from me is a man reading a book entitled The Lighter Side of Rectal Surgery. I’m unable to determine whether this is...
The DeVito Code
"Off the record, on the Q.T., and very hush-hush." Sid Hudgens, L.A. Confidential "There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster." Harry Wormwood, Matilda "You don't really think you'll win ....
Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me
Pop Quiz Which of the following quotations come from How to Make Your Marriage Exciting, from Ron Schara’s Minnesota Fishing Guide, or can be attributed to Chairman Mao Tse-Tung? The Bible says “Love is not arrogant or rude.” How rude...
Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State
Have you heard about a new political ad running in Iowa? In the ad, an old man (supposedly a “farmer” but I think he’s a “paid actor”) says, “Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latté-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York...
Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito
From: MrEnchilada741@yahoo.com To: tlvcuuhlbexhc@j4femail.com Subject: Re: Spicy Latinas Wanna Taste Your Big Burrito Dear Spicy Latinas, Thank you so much! Of course you can taste my Big Burrito! I am thrilled to learn of your interest in it. In fact,...
Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits
Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. O.K.? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking...
The Roastee Responds
Imagine if you were to wake up from an innocent sleep on Monday morning after a nice weekend with your family only to find that a bunch of strangers were waiting at your front door to kick you in the...
Neal Pollack: The Most Important Artist of Our Time
Shakespeare said something about tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Yep, that’s Neal: “Lookit me, everybody! I’m a boring, pretentious old-fart littérateur! Harrumph! No, no, I’m a noisy, obnoxious rock’n’roller! Gabba gabba hey!” Pollack sure...
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Monopoly, Scrabble, Clue, Battleship, Boggle, Yahtzee, Sorry, a Ouija board, Trivial Pursuit, Hungry Hungry Hippos ...
Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned
down sauté roll over* left hook drop it French braid crochet rake the leaves handstand heel cogitate defrost make nachos * But almost!...
What I Hope to Find in Hell
Lite Beer Marilyn Monroe A previously unutterable curse word Democracy Vampire bats Baseball bats Pool tables with built-in beer coasters along the rim Soft-core porn More than enough lawyers Ramen noodles Baking-soda toothpaste Andy Kaufman Chia Pets Solicitors Final exams...
Lessons Learned from HBO
Don't cross the streams. There's no crying in baseball. You do not talk about fight club. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking. Never get...
What I Hope to Find in Heaven
Girl Scout cookies The Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine Clara Peller, the lady from the “Where's the beef?” commercial Shag carpeting (white) A really good radio station Bingo Miniature golf The scent of fabric softener 24-hour Taco Bell Disco bowling The entire...
Cautionary Tales for Teens
When opening a condom, never tear the wrapper completely in two. You will not notice the narrow strip left behind on the floor, but someone else will. You only have one condom, because you had to pool resources with a...
Hollywood Interruption
10:00 a.m. Hi. This is me, Josh, coëditor of Y.P.R. How are you all? Good? Good. Me, I’m tired and slightly delirious. Today, I’m forcibly interrupting the normal progress of Y.P.R. to say hello to you all directly (as I’ve...
Inner Monologue from This Morning's Subway Commute
Knicks / O.C. / Walken / My Body Is a Wonderland / Madge / Fall TV/ Matt Lauer’s Awful Hair / My Heavy Bags Memo to Scott Layden, G.M. of the New York Knicks: You need Kurt Thomas to play...
The Nature of the Carolina Ghost Crab
The ghost crabs that inhabit the beaches of the Carolinas are in the midst of an evolutionary change: they are evolving from marine to land creatures, which explains why one of them was living in the arid, higher-altitude area of...
Useful Phrases for the American in Paris
Je recherche un talonneur appelé Marie. Elle peut avoir ma pochette. I'm looking for a hooker named Marie. She may have my wallet. Ce goût du vin comme la pisse de chien. Où peux-je circuler un Pabst ici ? This...
"I Do"
How I Will Refer to My Wife if or When I Get Married (Which, by the Way, I Will Only Refer to as ‘Getting Hitched’) “The missus.” “The little lady.” “The lil’ lady.” “The ol’ ball and chain.” But...
A Reason to Party
-----Original Message----- From: Your Friends At Evite [mailto:info@newsletter.evite.com] Sent: Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:26 PM To: Pot Roast, Yankee Subject: August Newsletter Correction Dear Evite Newsletter Subscriber, Yesterday we mailed a newsletter to our subscribers with incorrect dates for three...
Obituaries
August, 1984 Hank, beloved goldfish. He was the one with the black spot on his tail. He swam a lot. Hank died of natural causes. He is survived by his loving friends, Henry, Howie, and Harry. August, 1984 Henry, beloved...
.edu: An Exchange with My Alma Mater
Dear Binghamton, Thank you for your e-mail concerning Binghamton Homecoming. While I am pleased you consider me a distinguished enough alumnus to keep me informed of key happenings in the Binghamton Universe, I’d like to save you some trouble. After...
Things I've Learned from the Internet
The Internet is a revolutionary tool that enables us to communicate all over the world. Its vast capacity for information storage is astounding and thus promotes our own knowledge and diversity. It has become the Industrial Revolution of our age....
Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute
How many more times can I get excited for someone else's dreams to come true? Here I am, on this disgusting subway car, sitting next to a guy who smells like he just got back from a week-long deep-sea fishing...
“Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!”
Chapter Titles from Living with Your Colitis and Hemorrhoids (and Related Disorders) by Theodore Berkland, A.M., Leslie Sandlow, M.D., and Richard Shaprio, M.D. © 1975, St. Martin's Press [Discovered for Sale at a Thrift Shop in St. Louis, Missouri,...
I Could Simonize My Car
Things That Take Equal or Less Time Than My Mother's Hair Appointment (6 Hours) Kenya’s Robert Cheruiyot can run the Boston Marathon two and a half times. [2003 championship time: 2 hours, 10 minutes, 11 seconds.] The S.S. Minnow can...
Top 10 Things That Sucked about My Day (In No Particular Order)
6. Oprah discussed the war with Iraq; many women were waiting to hear what they should think. Also, I was home and watching Oprah. 2. The toilet paper at work was downgraded to half-ply. With visible wood chips. 10. My...
Things I Can't Believe Happened (March 2003)
Headlines I Can't Believe I've Read Crunch! Giant Cheeto Spurs Online Frenzy Small Iowa town to put it on display Friday, March 7, 2003 CNN Monkeys Flee Research Center, Keepers Trying to Lure Them with Bananas Wednesday, March 12, 2003...
A Salute to Some Things Irish
To Sanjay, the good man at me Dunkin Donuts! Ye serve me green-frosted donuts with li'l green sprinkles today! Let’s drink Guinness till we vomit! To Eugene, the li’l midget who hands out strip-club fliers on the corner of 44th...
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