Non-Fiction Archives

Underrated
Five More Underrated Songs Five more underrated gems, courtesy the inimitable Mr. DiClaudio.
Underrated
Five Underrated Funny People Inspired by this poorly ranked top 25 list, (http://insidemovies.moviefone.com/2010/03/17/funniest-actors-in-hollywood-movies/), let's take a look at five underrated funny people working today...
Underrated
Five Underrated Songs Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the eclectic Mr. Matthew Tobey.
Underrated
Five Underrated Songs Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the excellent Ms. Kittenpants.
Non-Fiction
Why the 1981 James Bond Movie For Your Eyes Only Is the Greatest Motion Picture Ever Made A biathlon that turns into a snow-skiing chase scene with motorcycles.
Non-Fiction
Life Lessons from My History Textbook: Chapter Three, Ancient China Taken directly, copyrights-be-damned, from Chapter 3 of World History Vol. One: To 1800, 3rd edition, Duiker and Spielvogel.
Non-Fiction
Brilliant Numbers and a Few Sequences Brilliant numbers, coined by Peter Wallrodt, are defined as positive integers with exactly two prime factors of the same digital length (in decimal notation). For example, 123467 = 311 * 397. You may want to give a short lecture on them at your next barbecue or family reunion.
Non-Fiction
Review of the Hit TV Show The Wire by Someone Who Has Not Seen It From what I've heard, this is one of the best television dramas out there and I definitely know that it takes place in Baltimore.
Non-Fiction
A Guide to Recognizing Your Mavericks From James Garner to the Dallas Mavs. Also! A guide to notable black presidents.
Live (Sort of) Coverage (Well, Jokes) of the Presidential Town-Hall Debate Y.P.R.'s experiment in "live-blogging" the "town-hall" "presidential" "debate."
Non-Fiction
Tales to Admonish In which Y.P.R. for the first time ever breaks a news story!.
Non-Fiction
Rethinking Kosher Wines What to spill at your Seder, from Manischewitz to MD 20/20.
Non-Fiction
Actual Excerpts From ... ... the RoboSapien Owner's Manual; ... Chuck Scarborough's Novel about an Earthquake Striking New York City; ... the Catholic Defense League's 1994 Report on Anti-Catholicism in the Media.
Non-Fiction
Things I've Learned about the Harry Potter Series from the Online Slash Community Harry is the son of Dracula, and also Batman, making him one-quarter vampire, one-quarter superhero, and one-half boy wizard.
Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah! Settle on the spelling. Market the latkes. More songs! Gina Gershon & other hot Jewesses.
Non-Fiction
I Think I Need to Dispell Some Misconceptions about My Six-Foot-Tall Swedish Ladyfriend Who Happens to Be a Licensed Massage Therapist She doesn't drive a Volvo. She doesn't drink Absolut. She doesn't like ABBA. She is six feet tall and blonde and super-fucking hot.
Non-Fiction
My Recent Rejection Slips, Rendered in the Same Manner in which Movie Advertisements Selectively Quote Reviews "YOUR STORY DID ... MEET OUR STANDARDS..." --American Literary Review
"IT DOES ... MEET OUR EDITORIAL NEEDS ..." --Redivider
"... WE ENCOURAGE YOU ..." --Carolina Quarterly ...
Non-Fiction
Things We Learned from Eunice and Marvin Weinstein after Buying Their Home in Suburbia The lady across the street is Greek, but nice.
The young mother three doors down is not very outgoing. She hasn't spoken to the Weinsteins once. But if she's our friend, that's O.K.
That green house used to have lots of beautiful trees in front until Indians moved in ...
Non-Fiction
All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Kindergarten Cop Life lessons from the action-comedy-drama starring Penelope Ann Miller.
Non-Fiction
R.I.P., K.V. Jr. Yankee Pot Roast rewinds to the fall of 2005, when the Y.P.R. Book Club skimmed and parodied the complete works of everybody's favorite crotchety old curmudgeon, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Non-Fiction
Vaguely Valentines Presenting some of the earliest ever Valentines, unearthed from the 1820s.
Non-Fiction
Good Times, Bad Times Although I am generally not a fan of the so-called broadsheet format, I was willing to give this publication a try. Sadly, it failed to meet my basic journalistic standards on almost every count.
Non-Fiction
36 Hours: Penn Station Beneath the teeming streets of the City That Never Sleeps is a bustling subterranean microcosm inhabited by aspiring vacationers and weary commuters aching to make their connections via the extensive network of subways and railroads.
Nick's Guff
Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot It only takes a sentence to get out of babysitting for life.
Non-Fiction
I'm Totally into American Idol Who am I to judge these people? The closest that I've come to singing a solo on stage was when I played the Rabbi in my high school's production of Fiddler on the Roof.
Non-Fiction
Believe the Hype? The Black Table It was the 19th-century poet Rimbaud--or perhaps it was the 1980s rock 'n' roll duo Tears for Fears... ?
Non-Fiction
The Black Table: I Only Know Them for Networking Reasons I only know two of the Black Table's "Big Four," mainly because I rarely come out of my one-bedroom suburban cubbyhole to work the New York media party circuit.
Non-Fiction
A Quick Roast, Pt. I Here it is, my tamest Black Table story ...
Non-Fiction
A Quick Roast, Pt. II I will forever remain proud that it was I who introduced A.J. to crystal meth.
Non-Fiction
The Week in Craig Hi! My name is Amy Blair and I'm totally easy!
Selling Myself, Installment II In March I became a published author, and I quickly realized how important self-presentation is to creative success. This is the second in a series of letters in which I "sell myself" to various prize committees, billionaires, and television executives.
Selling Myself, Installment I The following is my application letter for the Pulitzer Prize. (Update: A case of beer was dropped off to their offices, around lunchtime on October 28. I hope they enjoyed the beer and expect to hear from them shortly.)
Non-Fiction
Deadeye Dicks Drawings of and by K.V. found via Google Image search.
Non-Fiction
Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No! A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only
Non-Fiction
Will Wet Nurse Never Cease? I often think about starting a wildly prolific rock band and naming it Wet Nurse, simply for the chance that after releasing nine LPs and six EPs in a two-year span, Spin will run a blurb about my tireless efforts entitled, "Will Wet Nurse Never Cease?"
Non-Fiction
Dear Nipsey Selected E-Mails to the Poet Laureate of Television from People who Mistook the Fan Web Site Nipsey Russell's Funky Palace for the Rhymer's Personal Homepage
Non-Fiction
How You Say, "Michel"? "For the new novel, however, having paid Mr. Houellebecq (pronounced WELL-beck) a reported $1.2 million advance, his publisher, Éditions Fayard, has taken no chances." "The French Still Obsess Over Novelist of Despair" by Alan Riding, The New York Times, Sept....
Non-Fiction
"B.L.T.": A Review The review copy of the "B.L.T." arrived at my house last week to no noticeable fanfare.
Non-Fiction
A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite A transcript of a conversation between Gene Simmons, the bassist for the rock band KISS, and Terry Gross, host of NPR's Fresh Air, originally broadcast on February 4th, 2002, with Mr. Simmons's responses replaced by those of "a.l.i.c.e.," an artificial-intelligence chat bot.
Non-Fiction
Reader's Block I hate deciding which book to read. The smallest things sway me. A seagull overhead makes me reach for Lord Jim.
Non-Fiction
Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005 An Obituary for the Pontiff, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database's Biographical Information
Non-Fiction
My Laundromat Picks There are eleven machines in all, but for simplicity's sake, we'll eliminate the one with two out of three knobs missing, the one with an ominous X of duct tape over the lid, and the one with "brokken" scrawled on the interior of a Milky Way wrapper that for the time being is anchored in place by a penny.
Non-Fiction
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series The first episode that kicked off the occasional series.
Non-Fiction
Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents Scenario 1: My Father I’m watching “Evening at the Improv” in the mid-90s when my father enters the room. “What are you watching?” he says. “This comedienne named Ellen DeGeneres,” I say. “She’s pretty funny.” He snorts. “Looks like a...
Non-Fiction
A Brief, Reasoned Argument to Counteract the Two-Second Judgment You’ve Made to Buy Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking This book is not going to help your fiction. Seriously. Don’t buy it for that. I mean, buy it if you really want to read it, but don’t buy it just because you think it’s got some revolutionary thing to...
Five Disquieting Modern Trends Look, we don’t want to be whiners or hopeless Luddites, but the modern world is clearly headed in the wrong direction. We’re not talking about hip-hop, computers, or reality TV, all of which we endorse with the zeal of a cocker spaniel at a ha’ smoke1 cook-off on the first day of spring.
Non-Fiction
Thank-You Notes to America or, Struggling with Optimism in the Face of a Mandate by Three New Yorkers & a Michigander Dear Youth of America, It’s a good thing you spent this past Tuesday as you would any other: taking bong hits on...
Non-Fiction
Ten Things You Used to Be Able to Get Away With in Grade School but You Probably Can’t Get Away With at Work Your boss is really chewing out Jonesy, a colleague and after-work drinking partner, in a manner that you feel is quite inappropriate for the alleged transgression: falling asleep at his desk. So you creep up behind him and quietly get...
Non-Fiction
Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over The Tonight Show in 2009 Long-term life projects while you wait to catch the talk-show host one hour earlier.
Non-Fiction
At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004 An Obituary for a Comic, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Jacob Cohen was born in Babylon, New York, in 1921. At some point, he adopted the stage name Rodney...
Non-Fiction
UPN or Made Up? “Kevin Hill” Kevin Hill is a hotshot attorney and a hotshot bachelor, until he inherits a 10-month-old baby girl. As he struggles to adapt his lifestyle in order to take care of Sarah, his law firm starts to cut back...
Non-Fiction
Hawaii Diarii: Kauai Hark! Nick Jezarian has returned from his 11-night journey in the Hawaiian islands and he brings news.
Non-Fiction
Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004 An Obituary for a Thespian, Compiled Entirely from Information Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Leonard Rosenberg was born February 26, 1920 and he eventually grew to be five feet, eight inches tall, or 1.73...
Non-Fiction
Edible Television One Viewer Takes a Bite out of the Food Network “30 Minute Meals” with Rachael Ray For a long time, watching Rachael Ray cook delicious and healthy meals in under thirty minutes made me sad. She'd things like, “My niece...
Non-Fiction
Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence Since the 1959 invention of pantyhose, this single-garment combination of underpants and stockings has been mentioned time and again in the decisions of American appellate courts. Here are the highlights: In trademark dispute, pantyhose and tights not equivalent because pantyhose...
Non-Fiction
Time Is on My Side; No, It's on My Side The Intricacies of Daylight Saving Time Silly Season, a.k.a. Daylight Saving Time (DST), is upon us yet again. Residents of the European Union switch to Summer Time at 1:00 a.m. on the last Sunday in March, and all time...
Non-Fiction
If I Had a Million Dollars People always ask me what I would do if I had a million dollars. I don't know why people always ask me this. Probably because I owe them around that much, I'd guess.
Non-Fiction
St. Pat's Facts Hexadecimal Shades of Green, Vital Stats for Kathy Ireland, and IMDb.com Users’ Comments for the 1993 Motion Picture Leprechaun
Non-Fiction
Some Replies to “Where’d Ya Get That Shiner?” I'm tired of telling the story. Nothing happened. It’s just a little bruised. A couple stitches. I fainted in my bathroom over the weekend. I slipped on the ice cleaning off my car. My scarf tripped me into a...
Non-Fiction
Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff's Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure Friday, January 30 3:56 p.m. I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to board. Sitting across from me is a man reading a book entitled The Lighter Side of Rectal Surgery. I’m unable to determine whether this is...
Non-Fiction
The DeVito Code "Off the record, on the Q.T., and very hush-hush." Sid Hudgens, L.A. Confidential "There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster." Harry Wormwood, Matilda "You don't really think you'll win ....
Non-Fiction
Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me Pop Quiz Which of the following quotations come from How to Make Your Marriage Exciting, from Ron Schara’s Minnesota Fishing Guide, or can be attributed to Chairman Mao Tse-Tung? The Bible says “Love is not arrogant or rude.” How rude...
Non-Fiction
Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State Have you heard about a new political ad running in Iowa? In the ad, an old man (supposedly a “farmer” but I think he’s a “paid actor”) says, “Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latté-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York...
Non-Fiction
Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito From: MrEnchilada741@yahoo.com To: tlvcuuhlbexhc@j4femail.com Subject: Re: Spicy Latinas Wanna Taste Your Big Burrito Dear Spicy Latinas, Thank you so much! Of course you can taste my Big Burrito! I am thrilled to learn of your interest in it. In fact,...
Non-Fiction
Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. O.K.? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking...
Non-Fiction
The Roastee Responds Imagine if you were to wake up from an innocent sleep on Monday morning after a nice weekend with your family only to find that a bunch of strangers were waiting at your front door to kick you in the...
Non-Fiction
Neal Pollack: The Most Important Artist of Our Time Shakespeare said something about tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Yep, that’s Neal: “Lookit me, everybody! I’m a boring, pretentious old-fart littérateur! Harrumph! No, no, I’m a noisy, obnoxious rock’n’roller! Gabba gabba hey!” Pollack sure...
Non-Fiction
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man Monopoly, Scrabble, Clue, Battleship, Boggle, Yahtzee, Sorry, a Ouija board, Trivial Pursuit, Hungry Hungry Hippos ...
Non-Fiction
Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned down sauté roll over* left hook drop it French braid crochet rake the leaves handstand heel cogitate defrost make nachos * But almost!...
Non-Fiction
What I Hope to Find in Hell Lite Beer Marilyn Monroe A previously unutterable curse word Democracy Vampire bats Baseball bats Pool tables with built-in beer coasters along the rim Soft-core porn More than enough lawyers Ramen noodles Baking-soda toothpaste Andy Kaufman Chia Pets Solicitors Final exams...
Non-Fiction
Lessons Learned from HBO Don't cross the streams. There's no crying in baseball. You do not talk about fight club. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking. Never get...
Non-Fiction
What I Hope to Find in Heaven Girl Scout cookies The Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine Clara Peller, the lady from the “Where's the beef?” commercial Shag carpeting (white) A really good radio station Bingo Miniature golf The scent of fabric softener 24-hour Taco Bell Disco bowling The entire...
Non-Fiction
Cautionary Tales for Teens When opening a condom, never tear the wrapper completely in two. You will not notice the narrow strip left behind on the floor, but someone else will. You only have one condom, because you had to pool resources with a...
Non-Fiction
Hollywood Interruption 10:00 a.m. Hi. This is me, Josh, coëditor of Y.P.R. How are you all? Good? Good. Me, I’m tired and slightly delirious. Today, I’m forcibly interrupting the normal progress of Y.P.R. to say hello to you all directly (as I’ve...
Non-Fiction
Inner Monologue from This Morning's Subway Commute Knicks / O.C. / Walken / My Body Is a Wonderland / Madge / Fall TV/ Matt Lauer’s Awful Hair / My Heavy Bags Memo to Scott Layden, G.M. of the New York Knicks: You need Kurt Thomas to play...
Non-Fiction
The Nature of the Carolina Ghost Crab The ghost crabs that inhabit the beaches of the Carolinas are in the midst of an evolutionary change: they are evolving from marine to land creatures, which explains why one of them was living in the arid, higher-altitude area of...
Non-Fiction
Useful Phrases for the American in Paris Je recherche un talonneur appelé Marie. Elle peut avoir ma pochette.: I'm looking for a hooker named Marie. She may have my wallet.
Non-Fiction
"I Do" How I Will Refer to My Wife if or When I Get Married (Which, by the Way, I Will Only Refer to as ‘Getting Hitched’) “The missus.” “The little lady.” “The lil’ lady.” “The ol’ ball and chain.” But...
Non-Fiction
A Reason to Party -----Original Message----- From: Your Friends At Evite [mailto:info@newsletter.evite.com] Sent: Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:26 PM To: Pot Roast, Yankee Subject: August Newsletter Correction Dear Evite Newsletter Subscriber, Yesterday we mailed a newsletter to our subscribers with incorrect dates for three...
Non-Fiction
Obituaries August, 1984 Hank, beloved goldfish. He was the one with the black spot on his tail. He swam a lot. Hank died of natural causes. He is survived by his loving friends, Henry, Howie, and Harry. August, 1984 Henry, beloved...
Non-Fiction
.edu: An Exchange with My Alma Mater Dear Binghamton, Thank you for your e-mail concerning Binghamton Homecoming. While I am pleased you consider me a distinguished enough alumnus to keep me informed of key happenings in the Binghamton Universe, I’d like to save you some trouble. After...
Non-Fiction
Things I've Learned from the Internet The Internet is a revolutionary tool that enables us to communicate all over the world. Its vast capacity for information storage is astounding and thus promotes our own knowledge and diversity. It has become the Industrial Revolution of our age....
Non-Fiction
Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute How many more times can I get excited for someone else's dreams to come true? Here I am, on this disgusting subway car, sitting next to a guy who smells like he just got back from a week-long deep-sea fishing...
Non-Fiction
“Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!” Chapter Titles from Living with Your Colitis and Hemorrhoids (and Related Disorders) by Theodore Berkland, A.M., Leslie Sandlow, M.D., and Richard Shaprio, M.D. © 1975, St. Martin's Press [Discovered for Sale at a Thrift Shop in St. Louis, Missouri,...
Non-Fiction
I Could Simonize My Car Things That Take Equal or Less Time Than My Mother's Hair Appointment (6 Hours) Kenya’s Robert Cheruiyot can run the Boston Marathon two and a half times. [2003 championship time: 2 hours, 10 minutes, 11 seconds.] The S.S. Minnow can...
Non-Fiction
Top 10 Things That Sucked about My Day (In No Particular Order) 6. Oprah discussed the war with Iraq; many women were waiting to hear what they should think. Also, I was home and watching Oprah. 2. The toilet paper at work was downgraded to half-ply. With visible wood chips. 10. My...
Non-Fiction
Things I Can't Believe Happened (March 2003) Headlines I Can't Believe I've Read Crunch! Giant Cheeto Spurs Online Frenzy Small Iowa town to put it on display Friday, March 7, 2003 CNN Monkeys Flee Research Center, Keepers Trying to Lure Them with Bananas Wednesday, March 12, 2003...
Non-Fiction
A Salute to Some Things Irish To Sanjay, the good man at me Dunkin Donuts! Ye serve me green-frosted donuts with li'l green sprinkles today! Let’s drink Guinness till we vomit!
Non-Fiction

 

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