Poetry & Lyric Archives
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Tone Lōc’s "Where the Wild Thing Is"
Grounded by my mom, sent to bed without dinner / So I float my boat in a sea of funky cold medina.
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Light Matter: Science Is Funny (Until It Kills Us All--Again!)
A little hard work won't kill you.
Unless you have myasthenia gravis ...
Unless you have myasthenia gravis ...
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But first we must wait for a biopsy test!
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The Dinosaur in My Living Room Is Fred: Seven Poems
A series of tiny poems, of which none rhyme.
How to Write Poetry
Next up is the use of simile and metaphor. These are what car-bombs are to terrorists. Without them, you're nothing more than an angry person with too much religion stewing in their bottom who can't afford a rocket launcher. See how I did that? I compared the terrorist with the poet.
Next up is the use of simile and metaphor. These are what car-bombs are to terrorists. Without them, you're nothing more than an angry person with too much religion stewing in their bottom who can't afford a rocket launcher. See how I did that? I compared the terrorist with the poet.
Rejected Submissions to Mother Goose's New and Improved Anthology of Classic Children's Nursery Rhymes
Jack Sprat could eat no fat;
His wife could eat no lean.
And so betwixt the two of them
They died of malnutrition.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so betwixt the two of them
They died of malnutrition.
Vaguely Valentines
Presenting some of the earliest ever Valentines, unearthed from the 1820s.
Two Romantic Poems
Better than a heart-shaped box.
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Doth churn my blood to pure reptilian chill.
Would that I grasped these wretched asps ...
Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems
HEY POETRY! You don’t have to rhyme all the time, motherfucker. HEY BOOB JOB! You're the most impressive job those women will ever have. HEY CUBAN CIGARS! You smell like turds and bad breath from Cuba. HEY MY BEARD! Have...
Mother Goose Talks ... Things
MOTHER GOOSE ON FIRE SAFETY Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack jump over the candlestick. No, OVER, Jack, it's-- Oh my soul, your pantleg! Jack, stop, drop, and roll! There, good ... Wait, don't roll THAT way, Jack! The...
Poets’ Ghosts at Giants Games
William Shakespeare: Sonnet DCCXV Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thy staff’s not shadowed with such temperance, And rough waves splash when balls land in the bay. The summer’s tantrum heat, is it perchance The Eye of...
Edgar Allen Poe Tells "The Aristocrats"
To an agent’s office, a man walked in, ear to ear with a delighted grin
And said, I have the most outstanding act standing right outside your door ...
And said, I have the most outstanding act standing right outside your door ...
Brecht & Weill's Annie
A black, empty stage. Lights up on Annie, a bruised and battered orphan girl whose cataract-stricken eyes have no visible pupils. Around her, other abandoned girls sleep fitfully on the dirty sweatshop floor as she sings
Excerpts from T.S. Eliot’s First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky,
Like a ham sandwich etherized upon a table.
* * *
In the room women come and go
Talking of Michael and Jell-O . . .* * *
When the evening is spread out against the sky,
Like a ham sandwich etherized upon a table.
In the room women come and go
Talking of Michael and Jell-O . . .
The Recently Discovered "Erotick Poetry" of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne
Scholars at Kent College Pembury, an all-girls preparatory school in England, recently unearthed an astonishing discovery in the rectory directly below the women's faculty quarters: a dusty trunk filled with the long-lost journals of the mildly retarded Lord Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne....
Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems
Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous
There should be
help for people
who drink to forget
their names.
The Unspoken Vasquez: James Cameron's Aliens, First Folio
Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron’s estate sale: Mark well my weapon finger, good my men,
But mark this dog my fuckfinger aloft.
Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron’s estate sale: Mark well my weapon finger, good my men,But mark this dog my fuckfinger aloft.
Eminem at the Ambient Hotel
I’m sorry, Mr. Mathers
From this I gather
You’ve dialed my number
because you cannot slumber? ...
From this I gather
You’ve dialed my number
because you cannot slumber? ...
Rowling’s Spawn*
At Hogwarts School did Rowling’s spawn A stately treasure-dome decree: Where Cash, the sacred stream rushed on, Through vaulted caves with sunlight gone Down to a deep green sea. So twice five miles of well-worn ground With walls and towers...
All About Me: 12 Poems
Caveman Someday I want to go spelunking again with 400,000 albino epileptics with tails. I haven't done it since I was a sperm. * * * Yamahaha I'm thinking about replacing my vital organs with a synthesizer....
Ten Tiny Poems
The Opposable Thumb I don't care what it says-- hitchhiking is dangerous. * * * Two against One Fighting a pregnant woman was my first mistake. * * * Superstition My lucky number is four....
Tom Waits for No Man
Taxi Driver: Where to, guv?
Tom Waits: Wanna go town, town, town, and don’t call me that name,
I said town, town, town, or I’ll take the train.
Taxi Driver: All right, ’Old your ’air on. Whereabouts? ...
Tom Waits: Wanna go town, town, town, and don’t call me that name,
I said town, town, town, or I’ll take the train.
Taxi Driver: All right, ’Old your ’air on. Whereabouts? ...
Diamond Dave’s Sestina
Today I tore my ass-less pants when I tried to do a karate kick. It’s the exact same kick I did countless times when we laid down the “Jump” video way back in the Panama-hot summer of 1984. Dude,...
I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp
One of Whitman's Leaves of Grass Responds It started with a corpulent guy who loafed and looked for my soul, crawling on soft knees searching for stem and stone, bearded head lifted toward leaves and branches, looking for something...
“American Pie”—A Fresh Slice
The song “American Pie,” by Don McLean has been heavily analyzed since it was first released in 1972. As with many popular songs containing largely symbolic lyrics such as “Stairway to Heaven” or “Hotel California,” the song’s meaning is examined...
Response to E-Mail from a Princess
Exotic Mid-East princess! Well, Shazam! Tossed from your family’s ancient royal chair. You need my help; you’re chased, you’re on the lam; And for my aid, your regal jewels you’ll share. But do I know you will? Oh! Should...
The Wrong Man’s Burden
with apologies to Rudyard Kipling. (On second thought, shouldn’t he be the one to apologize?) Take up the Wrong Man’s burden— And ne’er apologize; Just change the war’s objective And amplify your lies. There were no kites or music, Nor...
William Shakespeare, da Bard
Shall I compare thy booty to a summer’s day, bitch?
Lyrics to Boléro
Sing along to the one-movement orchestral piece by Maurice Ravel.
‘My Poem’ by Karl Malone
“People don't know this about me, but I've changed since I moved out here to L.A., to Newport Beach. I've become a writer, thanks to my mom. I'll sometimes spend hours just writing, writing, writing. I'll be at the...
The Rubaiyat of Felix Dennis: Awful Poetry by the Maxim Publisher
& Josh Abraham Double Issue If it seems like I’m behaving rashly, Well, there really is a simple reason: It’s because that Mary-Kate and Ashley Will be eighteen years before next season! In just a month I’ll say, “Good-bye, jailbait!...
Friday Morning Lament
Last night's become a blur it seems Riddled with odd and crazy dreams Singing songs with Shirley Jones Tom Hanks and I ate ice cream cones Fat guy dancing with Chris Farley Smoking ganja with Bob Marley Johnny Carson's...
Pimpin' Like a Pirate
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to introduce our next performer, Pete the Pimpin' Pirate. Pete descends from a long line of piracy, dating all the way back to the dreadful Lazy Eye Lester, who terrorized the high seas...
Poetic License
Dear Mr. Donald Rumsfeld, You are reputed to be a man who is creative with words, and you are some kind of honcho in the United States, and as such I hope you can help me. Recently I received an...
More Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Featuring: Bill Gates & Martha Stewart! Pat Robertson & Shirley MacLaine, et al. …! Michael Eisner & Minnie Mouse …? Stephen King & Condoleezza Rice …!
Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Featuring: Saddam Hussein & Sandra Day O’Connor! Sylvester Stallone & Meryl Streep! Laura Bush & Kim Jong-Il! Arnold Schwarzenegger & Hillary Clinton! Pope John Paul II & Anna Nicole Smith!
An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled “How 2 Write Love Poems That Don't Suck” Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls
Write a poem that is only seven words long. Your girlfriend is a freak-ass. Dump her.** hyphenate = 1 word Choose something you associate with your cutie (the color blue, the letter X). Go for a walk and notice everything...
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants
Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines?
Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines?
The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover
STD, Lee. Ask her if she'll give a threesome a whirl, Earl. Keep up your skirt chasin', Jason. Introduce her to kiddie porn, Björn. Tell her you're gay, Jay. Convince her she’s a dyke, Mike. Eat some garlic knots and...
It's All about the Sacagaweas
lyrics by the Injunz Aw yeah, aw yeah Yo yo yo whassup Where my squaws at? East Coast in the wigwam! Listen up, white devils, I'm tha dopest brave What your people call "corn," I call "maize" You live...
Jay-Z's "Do Re Mi"
D’oh—it ain’t a motherfuckin’ deer, it’s something Homer says when he runs out of beer Rhymes with queer, jiggaman1 rockin' phat beats in your ear Re—the light I shine on your broke ass With my ice-laced wrist2, Corona with a...
I'm a Red Hot Chili Pepper!
I'm a Red Hot Chili Pepper! Call me Dredd Scott Willy Schlepper! How ’bout gred plot zilly fleffer? Kiss it now! Bling a ling a dingding yow! Gimme that fork! Eat some pork! Groucho Harpo Zeppo Chico Fiji Guam Puerto...
Crappy Oscar Song that Is Not Clever but Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and the Juxtaposition of Movie Titles
Find out what rhymes with Punch-Drunk Love...
Koufax! The Musical
The Jewish ballplayer's saga set to music.
Cha Cha Cha
Grandfather I think about you when Autumn blesses us with the scent of freshly picked apples, As it wafts through the crisp fall air. I sense your spirit looking down upon me. I can see your strong hands-- Well...
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