It's a Wonderful Life: Alternate Ending
In which a middle-aged Harry Bailey, no longer a war hero and still depressed about his older brother’s attempted suicide, himself begins to consider jumping off a bridge but is interrupted by an absent-minded angel.
Poets Appealing to College Students
"I Wandered as High as a Cloud" by William Wordsworth, and more.
Five Poems by a Cranky Old Man
The cranky old author of these poems lives with his middle-aged son's family in Toledo, Ohio. It was his daughter-in-law who suggested that he take up some kind of hobby like poetry.
Cougar! Cougar! what a sight / In the bars and clubs of night, /
What callow man or guy / Could resist thy lustful try?
Romeo and Juliet: The Hipster Version
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / I can't see because of my wayfarers are all dirty.
Poems! We've Got More Poems!
Postage Due / Spam the Man / Andy and the Puma / Hippies, Hair Metal, and How I Learned to Stop Watching Television
Andy & the Puma / Hippies, Hair Metal, and How I Learned to Stop Watching Television
The post office has raised the postage rate again.
Spam the Man
This is a poem. Not spam. I'm not the widow of the former Nigerian foreign minister ...
Alfred Tennyson's "Release the Kraken!"
If only Liam Neeson needed a paycheck, the Kraken could unleash hardcore C.G.I. dreck.
Sisyphus Dabbles in Haiku
Some things are certain / Death and taxes, for instance / Also, gravity
Ogden Nash for Pitchfork
Feeling sick on Bedford Street? / Try nerd guitar with a Williamsburg beat!
Tone Lōc's "Where the Wild Thing Is"
Grounded by my mom, sent to bed without dinner / So I float my boat in a sea of funky cold medina.
Poems! We've Got Poems!
The important free-verse kind, not the fun rhymey kind.
The Robot Speaks of Rivers
With apologies to Langston Hughes.
Ode to the Spork
Oh unsung hero of hot lunch
Judaism | World Series Tickets | What You Did When Your Wife Left for a Little While to Visit Her Mom in the Bronx
Some Nature Haiku
The proud, burly tree / Rests on the now crashed TV / Thanks a lot, nature
Light Matter: Science Is Funny (Until It Kills Us All--Again!)
A little hard work won't kill you.
Unless you have myasthenia gravis ...
If Jackson Pollock Wrote Poetry
The legendary painter and drunk applies his drip technique toward abstract expressionist poetry.
"Weird Al" Phones It In
The hacky parodist grows even hackier.
Dr. Seuss Treats a Patient
All we can do now is wish for the best.
But first we must wait for a biopsy test!
Excerpts from The Best American Poetry 2007: Rosie O'Donnell Edition
A collection of actual
poems written by the noted television personality for her blog.
Stopping by Poop on a Summer Evening
Whose poop this is, I think I know ...
Thirteen Ways of Looking at Super Mario Bros.
Among forty-one hovering coins, / The only moving thing / Was the platform of clouds.
How to Write Poetry
Next up is the use of simile and metaphor. These are what car-bombs are to terrorists. Without them, you're nothing more than an angry person with too much religion stewing in their bottom who can't afford a rocket launcher. See how I did that? I compared the terrorist with the poet.
Rejected Submissions to Mother Goose's New and Improved Anthology of Classic Children's Nursery Rhymes
Jack Sprat could eat no fat / His wife could eat no lean. / And so betwixt the two of them / They died of malnutrition.
Presenting some of the earliest ever Valentines, unearthed from the 1820s.
Two Romantic Poems
Better than a heart-shaped box.
Like burnt-out coals, no longer live,
My snow blind eyes will not revive ...
William Shakespeare's "Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel"
The apparition of a serpent coiled
Doth churn my blood to pure reptilian chill.
Would that I grasped these wretched asps ...
Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems
You don't have to rhyme all the time, motherfucker.
Mother Goose Talks ... Things
Mother Goose rhymes on fire safety, nuclear accidents, and food poisoning.
Poets' Ghosts at Giants Games
As the spring rain falls, / shrinking in it, on the roof / are Barry Bonds' balls.
Edgar Allen Poe Tells "The Aristocrats"
To an agent's office, a man walked in, ear to ear with a delighted grin
And said, I have the most outstanding act standing right outside your door ...
Brecht & Weill's Annie
A black, empty stage. Lights up on Annie, a bruised and battered orphan girl whose cataract-stricken eyes have no visible pupils. Around her, other abandoned girls sleep fitfully on the dirty sweatshop floor as she sings
Excerpts from T.S. Eliot's First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky,
Like a ham sandwich etherized upon a table...
The Recently Discovered "Erotick Poetry" of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne
Scholars at Kent College Pembury, an all-girls preparatory school in England, recently unearthed an astonishing discovery in the rectory directly below the women's faculty quarters: a dusty trunk filled with the long-lost journals of the mildly retarded Lord Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne.
Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems
Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous
There should be
help for people
who drink to forget
The Unspoken Vasquez: James Cameron's Aliens, First Folio
Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron's estate sale: Mark well my weapon finger, good my men,
But mark this dog my fuckfinger aloft.
Eminem at the Ambient Hotel
I'm sorry, Mr. Mathers
From this I gather
You've dialed my number
because you cannot slumber? ...
At Hogwarts School did Rowling's spawn / A stately treasure-dome decree ...
Ten Tiny Poems
Two against One
Fighting a pregnant woman
was my first mistake.
Tom Waits for No Man
Another pop star checks into a hotel room.
Misheard Song Lyrics, Schizophrenic Edition
'scuse me while I kiss this what the--?!? Ew!
Diamond Dave's Sestina
The former Van Halen frontman puts pen to paper.
I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp
One of Whitman's Leaves of Grass Responds
“American Pie”—A Fresh Slice
The song “American Pie,” by Don McLean has been heavily analyzed since it was first released in 1972. As with many popular songs containing largely symbolic lyrics such as “Stairway to Heaven” or “Hotel California,” the song’s meaning is examined...
Response to E-Mail from a Princess
Exotic Mid-East princess! Well, Shazam! Tossed from your family’s ancient royal chair. You need my help; you’re chased, you’re on the lam; And for my aid, your regal jewels you’ll share. But do I know you will? Oh! Should...
The Wrong Man’s Burden
with apologies to Rudyard Kipling. (On second thought, shouldn’t he be the one to apologize?) Take up the Wrong Man’s burden— And ne’er apologize; Just change the war’s objective And amplify your lies. There were no kites or music, Nor...
William Shakespeare, da Bard
Shall I compare thy booty to a summer's day, bitch?
Lyrics to Boléro
Sing along to the one-movement orchestral piece by Maurice Ravel.
‘My Poem’ by Karl Malone
“People don't know this about me, but I've changed since I moved out here to L.A., to Newport Beach. I've become a writer, thanks to my mom. I'll sometimes spend hours just writing, writing, writing. I'll be at the...
The Rubaiyat of Felix Dennis: Awful Poetry by the Maxim Publisher
Including "Double Issue," "On the Rack," and "A Maxim for Maxim
Friday Morning Lament
Last night's become a blur it seems Riddled with odd and crazy dreams Singing songs with Shirley Jones Tom Hanks and I ate ice cream cones Fat guy dancing with Chris Farley Smoking ganja with Bob Marley Johnny Carson's...
Pimpin' Like a Pirate
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to introduce our next performer, Pete the Pimpin' Pirate. Pete descends from a long line of piracy, dating all the way back to the dreadful Lazy Eye Lester, who terrorized the high seas...
Dear Mr. Donald Rumsfeld, You are reputed to be a man who is creative with words, and you are some kind of honcho in the United States, and as such I hope you can help me. Recently I received an...
More Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Featuring: Bill Gates & Martha Stewart! Pat Robertson & Shirley MacLaine, et al. …! Michael Eisner & Minnie Mouse …? Stephen King & Condoleezza Rice …!
Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Featuring: Saddam Hussein & Sandra Day O’Connor! Sylvester Stallone & Meryl Streep! Laura Bush & Kim Jong-Il! Arnold Schwarzenegger & Hillary Clinton! Pope John Paul II & Anna Nicole Smith!
An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled “How 2 Write Love Poems That Don't Suck” Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls
Write a poem that is only seven words long. Your girlfriend is a freak-ass. Dump her.** hyphenate = 1 word Choose something you associate with your cutie (the color blue, the letter X). Go for a walk and notice everything...
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants
Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines?
The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover
STD, Lee. Ask her if she'll give a threesome a whirl, Earl. Keep up your skirt chasin', Jason. Introduce her to kiddie porn, Björn. Tell her you're gay, Jay. Convince her she’s a dyke, Mike. Eat some garlic knots and...
It's All about the Sacagaweas
lyrics by the Injunz Aw yeah, aw yeah Yo yo yo whassup Where my squaws at? East Coast in the wigwam! Listen up, white devils, I'm tha dopest brave What your people call "corn," I call "maize" You live...
Jay-Z's "Do Re Mi"
D’oh—it ain’t a motherfuckin’ deer, it’s something Homer says when he runs out of beer Rhymes with queer, jiggaman1 rockin' phat beats in your ear Re—the light I shine on your broke ass With my ice-laced wrist2, Corona with a...
I'm a Red Hot Chili Pepper!
I'm a Red Hot Chili Pepper! Call me Dredd Scott Willy Schlepper! How ’bout gred plot zilly fleffer? Kiss it now! Bling a ling a dingding yow! Gimme that fork! Eat some pork! Groucho Harpo Zeppo Chico Fiji Guam Puerto...
Koufax! The Musical
The Jewish ballplayer's saga set to music.
Cha Cha Cha
Grandfather I think about you when Autumn blesses us with the scent of freshly picked apples, As it wafts through the crisp fall air. I sense your spirit looking down upon me. I can see your strong hands-- Well...