Republishing Some Mother’s Day Material for Dear Old Mom
 
 
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“Chance Cards in Liberty City Monopoly” by Mike Richardson-Bryan
You receive your cut from a jewel heist: collect $50 |
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Republishing some of Y.P.R.’s favorite pastime.
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Baseball Players with Great Porn-Star Names
Ron Darling
Bobby Valentine
Kirby Puckett
Rollie Fingers
Randy Johnson
Three Finger Brown
Babe Ruth
Mookie Wilson
Honus Wagner
Johnny Bench
Sparky Lyle
Rusty Kuntz
Bobby Cox
Goose Gossage
Whitey Ford
Tug McGraw
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Just like Christ, these past pieces arise from the dead:
 
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… Aaand some more vintage Y.P.R.:
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Still more classic Y.P.R. ha-has …
Part I | Part II | Part III | Part V |
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Yet more Y.P.R. classics:
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Presenting more gems unearthed from Y.P.R.’s five-year-deep archives:
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That’s right, this week marks five (5) long years that this humble journal has been publishing a daily(-ish) dose of the finest literary satire money can buy. To celebrate, we’re republishing some of our favorite past pieces, and will continue all week long.
Y.P.R. owes great big hugs to its army of contributing writers (300 strong!), without whom this hastily written and sloppily edited journal would have ceased publication long ago.
There will be a real-world soirée, replete with alcohol and music and all sorts of merriment, a few months from now, in anticipation of our brand-new book, Underrated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome Underappreciated Stuff, forthcoming this summer from Citadel Press.
In the meantime, please enjoy a hefty helping of still-fresh Yankee Pot Roast:
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Last night the Coen boys won three Academy Awards for their adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s gloomy neo-Western, No Country for Old Men (Ningún país para los hombres viejos). Mr. McCarthy previously dissected his process for producing bleak, dreary masterpieces:
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Presenting some of Y.P.R.’s Academy Award coverage from years past.
 
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Collecting some of the presidential pieces in Y.P.R.’s past.
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Teddy the Hustler Roosevelt
“Penthouse Willie” Clinton
Playboy Jack Kennedy
Richie “Barely Legal” Nixon
Will “Juggs” Taft
Millard Swank Fillmore
“Perfect 10 Ben” Harrison
Harry S Truman*
*The S stood for “Screw” |  |
 
 
 
And Lest We Forget
Tales of the Vice-Presidents
 
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“
Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards” by Nick Jezarian, Matt Tobey, & Geoff Wolinetz
Best Performance by a Clone or Human/Animal Hybrid, Best Inaudible Recording, and more … |
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Collecting Y.P.R.’s coverage of Super Bowls past.
 “Disquieting Modern Trends: Post-Super Bowl Death Knell of Advertising as We Know It and Desperate Call for Return to Core Values Edition,” by Will Layman & Chris Osmond, in which our astute modern trendsters dissect the media blitz masquerading as a sporting event, setting their sights specifically upon the GoDaddy.com Girl and that freakish Burger King mask. [Super Bowl XL, Steelers v. Seahawks]
 “Disquieting Modern Trends: Not So Super Bowl Edition 2007,” in which Messers. Layman and Osmond again toss the ol’ pigskin about, and declare this year’s advertising (ahem) “not all that.” [Super Bowl XLI, Colts v. Bears]
“Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff’s Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure,” wherein your humble coeditor chronicles his three-day trip, and Miss Jackson suffers a wardrobe malfunction. [Super Bowl XXXVIII, Patriots v. Panthers]
& Also!
“The Best Damn Sports Show Period Presents the Top End-Zone Celebrations of 2007” by Phil Andersen, C.P.A., from earlier this week. [Super Bowl XLII, Pats v. Giants] |
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Y.P.R. extends a great big bucket of huzzah and kudos to Mr. Mark Graham (the once-and-always Uncle Grambo), now defaming Hollywood alongside Mr. Mark Lisanti (the erstwhile Bunsen).
For your rereading pleasure:
 “whatfore (dot org),” Y.P.R.’s Victorian-era parody of whatevs (dot org), obvs.
 “A Short Conversation with Hal Sparks about His I Love the 80s Appearances as We Wait for Our Drinks at a Los Angeles Starbucks” by Bunsen, part of Y.P.R.’s “I Love I Love the [x]os” retrospectire.*
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 Behold the rats scurrying from the sinking ship …
“Non-Celebrity Gawker Stalker” by Teddy Wayne
“Middle-East Gawker”
“Former Gawker Editor Jessica Coen’s First Day at Vanity Fair Online” by Mick Stingley
The Choire Sicha Roast
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 Mr. Norman Kingsley Mailer, the legendary writer and pugilist, who only last month graced the cover of New York Magazine to announce he’d gone bat-shit crazy re: God/Devil, has now gone to the great remainder bin in the sky.
Recycled but Re-Relevant “Having Felled Gore Vidal with a Punch, Only to Hear the Line ‘Words Fail Norman Mailer, Yet Again,’ Mr. Mailer Can Only Come Up with Answers in the Car, on the Way Home” by Whit Coppedge
“Writing Well” by Norman Mailer*, part of Y.P.R.’s Writers-on-Writing series.
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FADE UP ON:
Some of Y.P.R.’s archive of screenplays, treatments, pitches, and script coverage:
“Diary of a Hollywood Script Reader by Charlotte Perkins Gilman” by Ryan Mazer
On occasion, I drool on them. For this reason I have asked that all future scripts be laminated.
“Coverage from a Hollywood Reader” by Ray Stillman
An article from 2004, in which Mr. Stillman predicts quite accurately the ways in which the inevitable adaptations of The Da Vinci Code and The Devil Wears Prada will stink.
“Some of Hollywood’s Greatest Surprise Endings Revealed and Synopsized” by Greg Ruehlmann
M. Night Shamayalan rendered the unexpected inevitably expected.
“Toy Stories” by Michael Rottman & Jeff Szpirglas
Bad Slinky, and other toy-to-screen adaptations in the wake of Transformers’ success.
“20th Century Fox’s New Christian Mini-Studio FoxFaith Announces Its Planned Releases For 2008” by Shap Sweeney
David Spade and Rob Schneider are Cain and DisAbeled!
“Sneak Preview: Merchant-Ivory’s Hostel” by David John
Close-Up: Percy Bysshe Shelley. He’s strapped naked to a decaying dentist’s chair …
“A Short Film That Will Be Rated ‘R’, for Nudity, Drug Use, Adult Language, and Excessive Violence, in That Order” by Ray Stillman
“A Miramax Development Executive’s Notes on My Date Last Night” by Josh Abraham
— More cleavage on the girl. |
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In the spirit of (the other) Chris Columbus, we republish a listicle by Mr. Dale Dobson from November 2005:
- I still really like your screenplay for Gremlins.
- You sure didn’t screw up those two Harry Potter movies you directed.
- You sure showed those flat-earthers a thing or two back in the 1400s. Oh?
- You know, I know some choreographers, they’re really great people.
- I hear a lot of nice things about cinematographers. Those guys have, like, dozens of lenses to choose from.
- “La Vie Bohème” really rocked, but I didn’t have a good seat for the big finish.
- That Adam Pascal really had Roger down. You could tell he was stoned and spaced-out in every single close-up.
- It’s really cool that Mark’s 16mm camera is able to shoot Maureen’s video displays during her performance art piece without all that sync roll and flickering that usually happens. And sometimes his viewfinder appears in the finished print. That’s one magic camera, dude!
- Some of the lyrics sound kinda cheesy when the sets and costumes are so hyper-realistic. So it’s good that you turned up the music and drowned them out from time to time.
- It’s looking a little rough in dress, but it’s got a lot of energy. When does it open?
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Mr. Karl Rove, the Bush Administration’s top scandal architect, is stepping down from his post to “spend time with his family.”
 Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts by Michael Rottman
It ain’t braggin’ if you’re a Republican.
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Presenting one last round-up of Magic and Muggle parodies from Y.P.R.’s past.
The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto by Amy Shearn
O.K., so we got Voldemort, right, the Death Eaters, you got that part already, right? O.K., fine, so Voldemort and the Death Eaters and the Dementors, terrorizing London, yada yada. Everyone’s scared, you know, make it scary …
Numerous Events That Should Be Included in the Film Adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Order to Widen Its Urban Appeal by Andrew Sheivachman
All house elves should be lovingly referred to as ‘shorties’ …
A Muggle’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter by Pierre Cavanaugh
Written by a guy who never read the books or watched the films, but is pretty good at figuring things out.
Rowling’s Spawn by George Motisher
At Hogwarts School did Rowling’s spawn
A stately treasure-dome decree:
Where Cash, the sacred stream rushed on,
Through vaulted caves with sunlight gone
Down to a deep green sea …
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief as Experienced by Me Reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by Lauren Verlizzo
Avast! Spoiler Warning! If you’re of the sort who gets all pissy about cats being let out of bags. Um, also, we should point out that the author, Ms. Verlizzo, did not forewarn the noble Y.P.R. editors and thus ruined the book for us before we cracked its spine. If anyone would like to purchase an unopened copy of H.P.A.T.H.B.P., please send a nickel …
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter by J. M. Houk
Hi, there. I’m Harry Potter and this is my friend, Prince Harry.
Nice to meet you. I’m Prince. My real name is Prince Rogers Nelson. On my 35th birthday, I decided it would be cool to change my name to an unpronounceable symbol …
Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty by Nick Jezarian
“Dumbledore, can we talk?”
Harry stepped into his chambers and dropped his pants …
Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife by Geoff Wolinetz
“All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding” … |
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 Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing by John Harnetiaux
Look, I’ll level with ya: I’m not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let’s get that fuckin’ straight right now. Holly said something like, “John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more,” and I was like, “What the shit you think I’ve been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!” … [ … More!] |
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 The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba by Mr Steve Finbow, part of his excellent but occasional series, Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms.
Personal Assistant: Hello, operator.
Receptionist: Hello. Hotel Yorba—reception.
P.A.: Yes, I would like to book a room for Meg and Jack of the White Stripes.
Receptionist: Oh, the popular beat combo—of course. What kind of room would they like?
P.A.: Er … A double. No, a twin. No, singles. Er … A little room. [ … More!] |
The Y.P.R. Book Club’s salute to Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s Canon
or,
Welcome to the Honkey House
 Yankee Pot Roast rewinds to the fall of 2005, when the Y.P.R. Book Club skimmed and parodied the complete works of everybody’s favorite crotchety old curmudgeon, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
“Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut” by Geoff Wolinetz
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like…
“Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast” by Jeremy Martin
Jimmy Kimmel, Gilbert Godfried, Sarah Silverman, Adam Corolla, and Bea Arthur rip on the old crank.
““Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout” by J. M. Houk
Dear Sir, pathetic sir, lonely sir, You are an experiment by the Creator of Apple. You are the only person left in the World who is literate and has the ability to communicate beyond grunting …
“The Good News” by Jeremy Martin
A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
“Writing Goodly” by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.*
“Deadeye Dicks”
A Collection of K.V. Portraits & Self-portraits
 
André Carrilho, The New York Times | Self-portait by K.V.
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