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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited

Recycled but Re-Relevant Archive

October 08, 2007

Happy Columbus Day (1492 Productions)

In the spirit of (the other) Chris Columbus, we republish a listicle by Mr. Dale Dobson from November 2005:

Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent

  1. I still really like your screenplay for Gremlins.

  2. You sure didn’t screw up those two Harry Potter movies you directed.

  3. You sure showed those flat-earthers a thing or two back in the 1400s. Oh?

  4. You know, I know some choreographers, they’re really great people.

  5. I hear a lot of nice things about cinematographers. Those guys have, like, dozens of lenses to choose from.

  6. “La Vie Bohème” really rocked, but I didn’t have a good seat for the big finish.

  7. That Adam Pascal really had Roger down. You could tell he was stoned and spaced-out in every single close-up.

  8. It’s really cool that Mark’s 16mm camera is able to shoot Maureen’s video displays during her performance art piece without all that sync roll and flickering that usually happens. And sometimes his viewfinder appears in the finished print. That’s one magic camera, dude!

  9. Some of the lyrics sound kinda cheesy when the sets and costumes are so hyper-realistic. So it’s good that you turned up the music and drowned them out from time to time.

  10. It’s looking a little rough in dress, but it’s got a lot of energy. When does it open?

August 13, 2007

Rove Over

Mr. Karl Rove, the Bush Administration’s top scandal architect, is stepping down from his post to “spend time with his family.”

Cassius KarlKarl Rove’s Ringside Boasts by Michael Rottman
It ain’t braggin’ if you’re a Republican.

July 20, 2007

Harry Potter and the Deathly Chamber of the Secret Sorcerer’s Order of the Hollow Half-Blood Phoenix Stone Goblet Fire Magic Muggle Presto Blah Blah Blah


Presenting one last round-up of Magic and Muggle parodies from Y.P.R.’s past.

The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto
by Amy Shearn
O.K., so we got Voldemort, right, the Death Eaters, you got that part already, right? O.K., fine, so Voldemort and the Death Eaters and the Dementors, terrorizing London, yada yada. Everyone’s scared, you know, make it scary …

Numerous Events That Should Be Included in the Film Adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Order to Widen Its Urban Appeal by Andrew Sheivachman
All house elves should be lovingly referred to as ‘shorties’ …

A Muggle’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter
by Pierre Cavanaugh
Written by a guy who never read the books or watched the films, but is pretty good at figuring things out.

Rowling’s Spawn
by George Motisher
At Hogwarts School did Rowling’s spawn
A stately treasure-dome decree:
Where Cash, the sacred stream rushed on,
Through vaulted caves with sunlight gone
Down to a deep green sea …

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief as Experienced by Me Reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by Lauren Verlizzo
Avast! Spoiler Warning! If you’re of the sort who gets all pissy about cats being let out of bags. Um, also, we should point out that the author, Ms. Verlizzo, did not forewarn the noble Y.P.R. editors and thus ruined the book for us before we cracked its spine. If anyone would like to purchase an unopened copy of H.P.A.T.H.B.P., please send a nickel …

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter by J. M. Houk
Hi, there. I’m Harry Potter and this is my friend, Prince Harry.
Nice to meet you. I’m Prince. My real name is Prince Rogers Nelson. On my 35th birthday, I decided it would be cool to change my name to an unpronounceable symbol …

Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty by Nick Jezarian
“Dumbledore, can we talk?”
Harry stepped into his chambers and dropped his pants …

Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife by Geoff Wolinetz
“All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding” …

June 27, 2007

Die Hard with a Typewriter

ykymfa.jpgDie Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing by John Harnetiaux

Look, I’ll level with ya: I’m not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let’s get that fuckin’ straight right now. Holly said something like, “John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more,” and I was like, “What the shit you think I’ve been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!” … [ … More!]

June 21, 2007

Icky Thumping

The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba by Mr Steve Finbow, part of his excellent but occasional series, Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms.

Personal Assistant: Hello, operator.
Receptionist: Hello. Hotel Yorba—reception.
P.A.: Yes, I would like to book a room for Meg and Jack of the White Stripes.
Receptionist: Oh, the popular beat combo—of course. What kind of room would they like?
P.A.: Er … A double. No, a twin. No, singles. Er … A little room. [ … More!]