Ben Bernanke’s Gotta Feeling
Enter the Black-Eyed Peas! You know the gang: Fergie, will.i.am, that curious hypeman of indeterminate Afro/Asian stock, and there’s also one other guy. With their mega-hit “I Gotta Feeling,” the Peas hit the nail on the proverbial head with respect to what needs to happen in this country economically.
Not-So-Famous Last Words
Match the not-so-famous last words below with their famous speaker!
The Future of Public Access Television Depends on You
Whatever your TV tastes, we depend on you for support, because the N.E.A. won’t even return our calls.
The Toyota Tirades
Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn’t forget the voice-activated navigation system.
Dancing with the Lone Star
The opening notes of Strauss fill the auditorium. Famed professional dancer Cheryl Burke makes a spectacular entrance in a Marie Antoinette ball gown, flipping her ruffles to reveal provocative pantaloons. From across the stage former Majority Leader Tom DeLay emerges from the bowels of a V-2 rocket.
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Do you know how I know that you defriended me? Because my other TWENTY-FIVE friends would never do that to me and also I'm not getting your status updates, which I'm sure are fraught with anguish over our breakup—something I'd be happy to help you heal and deal with. I'll bet our make-up sex would be great, too.
Hello? I know you're there; I can here you breathing (or should I say wheezing?).
Ultimate Power Anthems of the Agnostic
Shout to the Lord (Seems, in All Honesty, a Reactionary, if Not Drunken, Outburst Unworthy of the Most Rudimentary A Priori
We Love to Fetish and It Shows
or, Delta's Risqué In-Flight Safety Videos Are Bound for Depravity.
Some Tips on Identifying and Coping with Indigenous Nudity
Shame. Do you feel it? If yes, that's not indigenous nudity.
Spring Semester Course Descriptions on Which My Attendance in the Fall May Have Had Some Influence
Even though you do a great impression of Belloq from Raiders
, you're still going to fail Introduction to Archaeology
My Attempts at Genre Fiction Occasionally Suffer from a Cavalier Approach to Research
: Cacti, tumbleweeds, oxen, logs. Probably sometime around the late 1800s or something.
Recollections: A Christmas Panegyric, Barstow, California
When my sisters grow up, they'll most likely be whores ...
The Sharper Image's "Secret Santa" Holiday Gift Exchange Should Not Be Taken Lightly
Have I offended somebody's sense of decorum and decency? I've already made it very clear through countless other department-wide memos that I'm violently allergic to nuts, and this fruitcake is littered with almonds.
The Five Other People You Meet in Heaven
A former small-arms dealer from Queens. He seems like a nice enough guy.
When I Am King, Reality TV Will Show Some Backbone
Bayern Chef After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married...
Timm Angel, Cleanfreak: The Uncut DVD
“Where's My Weiner(s)?” The audience is asked to look under their seats for garbage then urged to go to the bathrooms located at both the front and rear exits of the theatre to wash their hands. When they return,...
The Sheldon Prison Experiment
When you reach the age of 30, you should really be on your way toward doing something productive with your life. On my 30th birthday, I found myself out-of-work, without a girlfriend, unmarried, and living at my parents'. I was...