Tyler Stoddard Smith

Ben Bernanke’s Gotta Feeling Enter the Black-Eyed Peas! You know the gang: Fergie, will.i.am, that curious hypeman of indeterminate Afro/Asian stock, and there’s also one other guy. With their mega-hit “I Gotta Feeling,” the Peas hit the nail on the proverbial head with respect to what needs to happen in this country economically.

Not-So-Famous Last Words Match the not-so-famous last words below with their famous speaker!

The Future of Public Access Television Depends on You Whatever your TV tastes, we depend on you for support, because the N.E.A. won’t even return our calls.

Five Early Working Titles for The Vagina Monologues The Hymen Harangues

The Toyota Tirades Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn’t forget the voice-activated navigation system.

Dancing with the Lone Star The opening notes of Strauss fill the auditorium. Famed professional dancer Cheryl Burke makes a spectacular entrance in a Marie Antoinette ball gown, flipping her ruffles to reveal provocative pantaloons. From across the stage former Majority Leader Tom DeLay emerges from the bowels of a V-2 rocket.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do Do you know how I know that you defriended me? Because my other TWENTY-FIVE friends would never do that to me and also I'm not getting your status updates, which I'm sure are fraught with anguish over our breakup—something I'd be happy to help you heal and deal with. I'll bet our make-up sex would be great, too.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People I Know Seven tips for guaranteed success.

Get Quit! Hello? I know you're there; I can here you breathing (or should I say wheezing?).

Spanish Words I Learned over Spring Break ¡Cerveza!

Ultimate Power Anthems of the Agnostic Shout to the Lord (Seems, in All Honesty, a Reactionary, if Not Drunken, Outburst Unworthy of the Most Rudimentary A Priori Examination)

We Love to Fetish and It Shows or, Delta's Risqué In-Flight Safety Videos Are Bound for Depravity.

Some Tips on Identifying and Coping with Indigenous Nudity Shame. Do you feel it? If yes, that's not indigenous nudity.

Led Zeppelin's "Essential" Reading List: North American Tour, 1977 Compiled from Robert Plant's outstanding library fees.

Spring Semester Course Descriptions on Which My Attendance in the Fall May Have Had Some Influence Even though you do a great impression of Belloq from Raiders, you're still going to fail Introduction to Archaeology

My Attempts at Genre Fiction Occasionally Suffer from a Cavalier Approach to Research The Western: Cacti, tumbleweeds, oxen, logs. Probably sometime around the late 1800s or something.

Recollections: A Christmas Panegyric, Barstow, California When my sisters grow up, they'll most likely be whores ...

The Sharper Image's "Secret Santa" Holiday Gift Exchange Should Not Be Taken Lightly Have I offended somebody's sense of decorum and decency? I've already made it very clear through countless other department-wide memos that I'm violently allergic to nuts, and this fruitcake is littered with almonds.

Blue Öyster Cult's Early Choices for Potential but Ultimately Discarded Band Names Believe it or not, not a single cowbell joke.

The Five Other People You Meet in Heaven Clarence: A former small-arms dealer from Queens. He seems like a nice enough guy.

When I Am King, Reality TV Will Show Some Backbone Bayern Chef After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married...

Timm Angel, Cleanfreak: The Uncut DVD “Where's My Weiner(s)?” The audience is asked to look under their seats for garbage then urged to go to the bathrooms located at both the front and rear exits of the theatre to wash their hands. When they return,...

The Sheldon Prison Experiment When you reach the age of 30, you should really be on your way toward doing something productive with your life. On my 30th birthday, I found myself out-of-work, without a girlfriend, unmarried, and living at my parents'. I was...