Yankee Pot Roast


Birthday Cards to Celebrities:
March & April, mmiv


Dear I.M.,

Happy 87th Birthday! I.M., I have an awkward request: For the last twenty-nine years, I've been caluclating pi (p) to eight-hundred-million places. I'm finally tired of it, so I've stopped. The last digit is a 4. Anyway, these days I'm writing my autobiography, which is about 13 pages of prose and 952 pages of pi's digits. It's title is "I Am P." By now you must realize I'm writing to ask if you'd do me the honor of writing the introduction to my book. Don't you think that'd be neat?

Thanks in advance.

Your pal,

Dear Will,

Happy 440th Birthday! Will, I'd like to thank you for writing The Taming of the Shrew. I've never read it, but I understand it was the springboard for the hit 1999 teen romantic comedy, 10 Things I Hate About You. That movie so rocked. And it provided the roles that propelled both Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger to big-time superstardom. It even garnered them each an MTV Movie Award nomination (Best Musical Performance, Heath, and Breakthrough Female Performance, Julia [she won!]). All because of you, Bill! Aren't you proud of yourself? Not bad for 440 years old!

Man, I love Julia Stiles.

Happy Birthday!


My sweet Charlotte,

Sometimes I dream where all the people dance. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Sometimes. Sometimes I dream the sounds all stay the same. Sometimes I’m dreaming there are so many different names. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Some times.

Robert Smith

Dear Carm,

Lady, you and your ghoulish groom are really creeping me out. Please stop being freaky on my television. I don't like having to wash the TV set every night.

Thank you.


Dear Suge,

Can you believe that until my grandmother recently corrected me, I'd been mispronouncing your name as its spelling suggests: "Sooge." You see, I'm not "down" with the "hip hop" community, and I don't watch the MTV, or go to hot Hollywood parties, or know any black people, or any music fans, so I'd only previously come across your name in print, (most often in the psych ward's dayroom back issues of Entertainment Weekly). How was I supposed to know "Suge" is a contraction of "Meshugenah"?

Gee whiz.

Happy birthday!


Dear Pete,

First, you say you didn't bet on baseball. Then, you say you bet on baseball but not your team. Now you say you bet on baseball but never against your team. I only have one question for you: Why not? Those were the only games over which you had any influence on the outcome. If you really wanted to win money, all you had to do was tank the games!

Jeez, I thought I was stupid.

Happy birthday.


Dear Mr. Kot-tah,

Happy 58th Birthday! Welcome back. Weclome back, welcome back, welcome back...

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. I know there's more words to that song, but I'll be damned if I know them. It's a darn catchy tune, though. I can sing it all day! Welcome back, welcome back, etc.

Ray Stillman

P.S. I think you're cooler than Gene Shalit!

Dear Ian Z,

Happy happy birthday birthday. Ian Zing Zing, I can't believe you're 40 today! Just like that—Poof! It seems like just yesterday you were in high school. Whatever happened after you graduated? Did you stick around in your old 'hood, or did you branch out? I haven't heard much from you and would love to get the lowdown on the down-low 90210 character. I'm overwhelmed, so many things to say to you, Z. Ian Zehr size=1ing. Fun name you have there. I don't know if you're tweaked by it, but I still can't get over how you were the least notable character on 90210; even David got more play than you in the end. You were the one who drove the Corvette, Steve, you! Did you ever get the sneaking suspicion that they were using you for your ’vette? You had the cash money rollin'. I think they were all jealous, but you know how high school is: Look at me, I'm Brandon, I need to work at the Peach Pit to earn my car. Get lost, Brando! And then there's Dylan, the low talker. He had to be all mysterious-like because he didn't have the goods. But you, Steve, you laid it out. The tight curly hair, a blond MC Serch, the ’vette-driving, obnoxious, ignorant prick. You were the man! You were more like any kid in high school than those other 90210 clowns. You kept it real! Don't get me wrong, you probably would have beaten me up in high school, but I felt you, man. You were acting! Whoo, hot stuff. I hope to see you at the 20-year reunion.

Keep the curls tight.

90210 + 1

Nick Jezarian

P.S. It's Donna D'Erico's birthday today too. I think she's a little down on her luck also. Maybe you should swing that *ahem* ’vette on by, if you get me.

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

Happy birthday, you sinewy sex kitten, you. You're so thin and you're 39. I'm a little bit frightened to see what happens when you get older and your body starts to atrophy: Sarah Jessica where-the-hell-did-that-skinny-sex-starved-bizotch-go Parker. It'll be a good schtick though; with that mop on your gourd, you'll look like Cousin It moping around all osteoporosis-like. And I'll be a monkey's bum if they don't tap you to play the healer's wife in the remake of The Princess Bride alongside Gilbert Gottfried. Have fun stohmming the caaastle. I'm not really a fan of your work, maybe seasons 1 and 2 of “Sex and the City,” but after that, I learned all I needed to know about women so I stopped watching. Also, you were in an awful Bruce Willis movie once I think, right?

Ah, who gives a rat's ass, you're 39. Whoop it up, Parker, Jessica Sarah! Any big plans? Is Matty Broderick going to dance a little number for you? Tell that boy to get back into the movies, will ya? I made you a birthday cake, but your security wouldn't let it thr size=1ough. It reminded me of that episode of “Diff'rent Strokes” when Arnold made the cake for Michael Jackson and they hosed it down and ruined it because they thought it was a bomb. The cake I made was cool-ass too, it had a picture of a woman with her legs over her head and it read, "Happy Jessica Sarah Day Porker, I'm heels-over-head for you".

Say hi to the girls for me.

Sexy in the city,
Nick Jezarian