Dear Ms. Hingis,
Congratulations! We here at the International Society of Foreheads have had our eye on your for quite some time. That is one large and shiny forehead you've got there, Ms. Hingis. Now that you've more or less decided to retire from tennis, we'd like to officially extend an offer of membership to you to join our society! There are many benefits to membership. We have in place a 20% discount at the Hanky Shack for forehead cloths. Additionally, if you put our plaque in the window of your car, you can park in the handicapped spot at the 7-Eleven in Bethesda, MD. It's basically for those quick trips when you just need small things like toilet paper and O'Doul's.
We hope you'll join our ranks. We think you'd make a fine addition.
Happy Birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
Dear Jill,
Oh man, when I was a little kid, I used to love watching the "Love Boat." My favorite was during the opening credits when everyone would shill for the camera as their name flashed on the screen. I used to love when Isaac would flash those double guns at the screen. BAM! haha. It was like he was shooting at you. When I was really little, I used to duck so he wouldn't hit me but then my mom had the doctor give me these pills and I really didn't feel the need to duck anymore. In fact, after I started taking those pills, I didn't really feel the need to do anything at all. After that, I stopped watching the show because I heard Lauren Tewes had an insatiable appetite for cocaine. Hey, do you still talk to her? What's she up to?
Oh, there's the buzzer. Time to take my pill.
Happy Birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
P.S. Whelan. Is that Dutch?
Dear Jeffrey Jones,
By God, you were wonderful in
Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The role of bumbling, ill fated Principal Rooney was just marvelous for you. I can't even conceive of anyone else playing that role now that've done it. I just cannot say enough good things about you. Your well groomed moustache, your light blue suit, everything was just perfect. My favorite scene in the film was when you were scrambling around the office with your inept secretary Grace. No offense but she left a little something to be desired. She should go play the next door neighbor on a sitcom about a family where the father is an airline pilot and the mother spends a lot of time with the kids but tragically dies the following season and is replaced by an actress with a glass eye.
By the way, I've been in a coma for the last 20 years. Sorry it took so long for me to get to you about this but I'm just catching up year by year and I just hit 1986. Your performance was so riveting that I'm just dying to know what's happening in your life now. Anything newsworthy?
Happy Birthday!
Geoff
Dear Hilary,
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I. Hate. You.
Happy 17
th Birthday!
Love,
Lindsay Lohan
P.S. You're getting fat.
Dear Avril,
Happy 20
th Birthday! I totally hope you have the best birthday ever and don't die! I hope it's a great day start to finish, and you're not attacked by rabid dogs or infected with any Third World diseases for which there are no cures. I hope you're not crushed by any falling meteors or major appliances being air-lifted by helicopter. I hope your hair and teeth don't fall out and your skin isn't riddled with boils. I also hope you recognize insincerity. Happy birthday!
Sincerely,
Hilary Duff
Dear Mr. Brimley,
Were you ever a young man? With a name like Wilford Brimley, I feel as though you have been an old man since the day you were born. Photographic evidence supports this contention. For crying out loud, all you do is play the role of old men.
Cocoon, the grandfather in the Chad Allen show “Our House,”
Cocoon: The Return. It’s all old people. And according to your IMDb biography, you were a blacksmith. A blacksmith! You’ve been trained in a profession that has no practical application anymore. If I’m ever looking for a really old, heavyset guy who kind of looks like a walrus and has been trained as a blacksmith to be in my movie, I’ll know who to call.
Happy Birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
P.S. Do you have a mouth or do you talk out of your moustache?
Dear Bryan Ferry,
I swear I'm trying, but after 15 years of blissfully obeying your Hakuna Matata philosophy, I'm starting to worry again. The other day Fox News flagrantly manipulated data before my very eyes. They were running through state-by-state electoral math based upon that morning's new polling data, and when they got to Florida, of all places, they said this, I swear: Kerry's slightly ahead by today's polls, 49-48(ish?), but since Bush has been consistently edging him out, we're going to go ahead and give the state to the Republicans, expecting this temporary fluke to reverse itself soon. And then when they added it all up, they proudly announced Bush would stomp over Kerry, were the election held today, with a 50-something electoral lead. But the numbers didn't add up that way! They plainly said they were dismissing a number that would've forced them to admit a Kerry victory. And no one called them on this, Bobby. Bobby? I mean... Bryan. Um... Shit. I started writing this card thinking you were the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” guy. Bobby McFerrin, that's his name. Admit it, they sound alike. Bobby McFerrin, Bryan Ferry. It's pretty close. Well, sorry to have wasted your time. Happy 49
th Birthday anyway.
Sincerely,
Josh
