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B I R T H D A Y   C A R D S
T O   C E L E B R I T I E S

Each and every day, Y.P.R. sends an honest-to-God birthday card to its favorite celebrity. Come, celebrate with us.


[* * * * Yankee Pot Roast is still inputing the birthday cards into the YPR-Crockpotatron-2000. Please be patient. All should be up and running very, very soon... perhaps even sooner than that. Y.P.R. thanks you for your unflinching faith. * * * * * ]

February 28, 1940   |   Mario Andretti   |   speed racer
Dear Mario,

Vrrrooom! Vrrroooom! Happy 63rd Birthday Mario! You're my second-favorite guy named Mario who drives around in a car/kart all day! No, no, not Cuomo you silly goose (although he's Mario #3), I mean Super Mario. Super Mario is so much funnier than you and he seems an awful lot happier also. I would be too if I got to collect gold coins and whollop Koopa Troopas on the head all day. One thing you have up on him, though, is speed (not the drug kind). You drive faster than anyone I know and if it weren’t for racing, who knows, you might be rotting in jail right now as the most reckless speedster the United States has ever seen. Or maybe you'd just be a getaway driver.

I know they say Europeans are nutty drivers, especially Italians, but I have to say, you put that stereotype to shame, you speedy 63-year-old, you. I hope you can still get into the winner's circle if you know what I mean, and I’m sure you do.

So, Happy Birthday, Big M, and here's to another happy and healthy 365 laps this year. (Get it? Laps? Heh.)

Not Nearly as Fast or Wealthy as You,

Nick Jezarian

February 27, 1807   |   Henry Wadsworth Longfellow   |   dead poet
Dear Wadsworth,

Happy motherfuckin’ 196th birthday! My friend told me you're dead right now, so I apologize for my bad timing but I figured you’d feel the good vibes if I wrote this letter anywho. Actually you’ve been dead for over a hundred years. That’s a long time. Hell, that’s well before television, which is a travesty, because with a name like Wadsworth Longfellow, you missed a golden opportunity. You could have had a prolific career in the porn industry. Just imagine: “Dipping his pen in the ink: A wad’s worth of Longfellow”. Too bad your timing was so off.

Anyway, I’ll make this brief seeing how you aren’t even going to read this ramble anyway. I salute you, Mr. Wadsworth Longfellow, for creating poetry that thrived in a time when poetry actually rhymed (I just rhymed. Heh.) Oh, how I long for those days. I wrote this little ditty for you, I hope you enjoy it.

Happy Birthday
to a 'fellow I deem worthy,
to raise my glass,
and shake my ass,
Bartender, another drink, I’m still thirsty.
Happy Birthday, Henry!


Nick Jezarian

February 27, 1940   |   Howard Hesseman   |   actor
Dear Howard,

Happy 63rd Birthday, Johhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnny Fever! Hot damn. I’ll be honest, I never thought you would live this long. I mean I loved "WKRP in Cincinnati" -- you put that city on the map as far as I’m concerned. But honestly, you had to know even then that Venus Flytrap was so much cooler than you, right? Then you went from one of the coolest cats on TV to arguably the coolest teacher EVER in the history of television when you took on the stellar role in "Head of the Class." You owned Arvid Engen, no doubt!

You stayed strong through it all, and I hope you’re doing well. You’re my second-favorite celebrity teacher right next to the guy who played Mr. Vargas in "Fast times at Ridgemont High," but I don’t even remember his name, so you’re one up.

Happy Birthday, Fever, and keep em comin’.



Nick Jezarian

February 27, 1922   |   Elizabeth Taylor   |   crazy old broad
Dear Ms. Taylor,

Happy 71st birthday!

It is my understanding that you've been married eight times. Although, I'm not sure that I'd count Richard Burton twice, I'm willing to grant that you were married to him two separate times. Now, I've consulted Alec Guinness and his people and it occurs to me that the world record is actually 11 times. I know you've let yourself go a bit, but surely you can rope a few more people into marrying you. I am up to the challenge. I will marry you, free of charge, just to be a part of history. I mean, I know you've won Oscars, but chasing the world record for marriage has to be far more exciting.

Anyway, call Paul Newman's wife. It's her birthday too. She's actually older than you but looks about 30 years younger.

With warm regards,

Geoff Wolinetz

February 26, 1932   |   Johnny Cash   |   creepy old singer
Dear Johnny Ki-zash,

Yo, happy 71st birthday, dog! Someone told me you was the "Man In Black" and I thought if this dog is half as dope as Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones, his birthday better be off the hook. I figured this letter would be the first part of having a mad good birthday, fo' shizzle.

I did a little research on the sly, you know what I'm sayin', to find out what the deal was with my black brother Johnny Ki-zash. Johnny Ki-zash is one sweet motherfuckin' name, yo. Did you make that up or is that shit your given name? Either way, it's dope. I'm thinkin' 'bout changing my name to G-Kwon. What you think of that, Johnny Ki-zash? It ain't as sweet as Ki-zash, but you know, I got to keep it real. You know what I'm sayin'? I think you do.

Now, I noticed you made a cover of that Nine Inch Niz-ails song, "Hizzurt." That shit was bad, but you should think about covering some real classics, you know what I'm sayin'? Like, "Poison," by Bell Biv Devizoe. That cut is on point. Maybe, "Me and Mrs. Jones," by Billy Paul. I know that's a little old school but you got to give your ups to the folks that came before you and pour some on the curb for your fallen homies. You know what I'm sayin'. You the "Man in Blizack" baby.

Aight, I got to get off now. I got to go pick up my baby's mama.


Geoff Wolinetz (G-Kwon)

February 25, 1967   |   Carrot Top   |   irritating comic
Dear Mr. Top,

Happy 35th Birthday! I love your commercials! They are so great! Sometimes I program my VCR to tape TV overnight while I sleep, and the next day, I fastforward through all the boring shows just so I can see the commercials. I wish I had somebody to talk to that I could call collect using your phone service, but I don't really talk to too many people on the telephone. I do dial down the center of everything else, though! The buttons in the elevator, the numbers on the ATM... it's so catchy! I can't stop! 67YUHJN! See, that's me dialing down the center of my typewriter. Keep the great commercials coming, CT! I hope they never end!



February 24, 1947   |   Edward James Olmos   |   actor
Dear EJO,

¡Feliz cumpleaños! ¿Cómo ser mi español? ¿Bonito bueno para uno gringo, ninguno? Yo ser tan alegre usted ser fomentar tal bueno relación entre Estados Unidos y nuestro meridional vecino en México.

¡Nafta regla!


Josh Abraham

February 23, 1951   |   Ed 'Too Tall' Jones   |   former Dallas Cowboy
Dear Mr. Tootall,

Happy 52nd Birthday! Just how freaking tall are you, Mr. Jones? If you're under 6'6, then you ain't too tall in my book! Don't eat too much birthday cake, or else they'll call you Ed Too Fat Jones!

I'm sorry for such a lame card, Ed. I'm tired.

Deepest apologies,

Josh Abraham

February 22, 1975   |   Drew Barrymore   |   actress
Dear Drew,

Happy 28th Birthday! Are you going to party tonight? You are? Where? I'll see you there, Drew! But, hey, take it easy tonight, will ya? No need for a relapse off the wagon... You remember those high-risk-behavior days of the late 80s and early 90s... I mean, the drugs and alcohol were one thing, but you made some godawful movies back then. "Doppelganger"? Yeesh.

Also, Drew, might I add that you were a far better Amy Fisher than Alyssa Milano. But, then again, she was a better "Poison Ivy." So it's a wash. Oh well. Can't win 'em all, huh?

Happy Birthday, Drew!


Josh Abraham

February 20, 1978   |   Lauren Ambrose   |   actress
February 20, 1968   |   Rachel Griffiths   |   actress
Februray 20, 1967   |   Lili Taylor   |   actress
Dear Ladies of "Six Feet Under,"

Happy 25th/35th/36th Birthdays! Heavens to Betsy! what are the cosmic chances of three actresses on the same show all sharing a birthday? I get a headache/nosebleed just thinking about it. I don't watch your show because, frankly, corpses give me the heebie-jeebies. But I've heard good things about it, and I think it's neat to have a show about dead people because dead people used to be alive and they probably watched TV before they died, and if for some reason they emerge from the grave as zombies (or as the walking dead/un-dead, etc -- is there a scientific difference?), I think they'd appreciate seeing a quality, Emmy award-winning TV program that reaches their otherwise neglected demographic. So, do you three lovely ladies celebrate together on the set? Birthday hats on the stiffs? Urns full of candy?

Well, I'm sure you three have lots of embalming to do. Happy birthday!



P.S. Lili, say hi to your mom, Lily Tomlin.

February 19, 1963   |   Seal   |   singer
Dear Mister Seal,

Happy 40th Birthday!

Look, Seal, I have to say this: I'm a huge, huge fan. My favorite Seal album is "Seal" -- no, no, not "Seal," the other "Seal." The one where you're playing the part of the letter 'A' on the white cover with black text. That "Seal." Not "Seal," where you're all yoga-twisted and crazy underneath the black text on a white cover. That album, not so much. But "Seal" rocks -- the first one, the one where you sing "Crazy," not the second one, where you look crazy. Ok, I mean dreadlocked "Seal," good; bald "Seal," bad. You know, it's kind of confusing. Why didn't you give at least one of these albums a name? How do you keep track of them?

I have to go. My stomach hurts. Happy Birthday, Seal!


Josh Abraham

February 19, 1967   |   Benicio Del Toro   |   actor
Dear BdT,

Happy 37th Birthday! Benicio, if you don't mind me saying so, you are my favorite Latino character actor. Alfred Molina and Miguel Ferrer aren't even worthy of being mentioned in your birthday card! I think you can kick both their asses. And you should, too. Del Toro... Del Toro... from what I remember from my seventh-grade Spanish class, your last name means "of the bull." I can see that. You seem to be full of bovine rage, Benicio. Does the color red make you suddenly, irrationally angry? Think about it -- have you ever headbutted a fire hydrant for no reason? Or gored a guy in a Santa suit with your horns? In "The Usual Suspects," there was a scene where you really appeared to be flaring your nostrils and swiping your foot along the dirt. It all makes so much sense if you chalk it up to your proud, bullish heritage.

Happy Birthday, Benny of the Bull.

Josh Abraham

February 18, 1933   |   Yoko Ono   |   Beatles wrecker

On this, your 70th birthday, I'd like to finally make my peace with you. I've been harboring this raging hatred for you over twenty years already (not for that whole breaking-up-the-Beatles thing; I just think your psuedo avant-garde performance art is a bunch of phoney hooey.) But, you haven't broken up any of my favorite bands in many years, and this being your birthday and all... aw, shucks, Yoko. I'm sorry. Truce?

Good. I'm glad we can get past that. I hope you have a very happy birthday.


Josh Abraham No. 9

P.S. I swear, Yoko, if you do anything whatsoever to break up Coldplay, I'm gonna go apeshit. Ya got that? Go break up Blink 182. They suck.

February 16, 1957   |   LeVar Burton   |   actor
Dear Lamar,

Happy 46th Birthday! "Reading Rainbow" is my favorite show in the world! "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is my third favorite show in the world! (Second favorite: "Kids Say the Darndest Things" hosted by Sir Cosby.) That means you, Lamar, are the star of TWO of my favorite shows!

Lamar, I'm sure you a busy, busy man, but I wanted to take this opportunity to gush.

Oh, also, why don't you wear your visor anymore? Did you have Lasik surgery or something? I want to go for that, but I'm scared that my doctor will develop a sudden case of the shakes and poke a laser hole through my eyeball. Oh well.

Rock on, Lamar!

Josh Abraham

February 3, 1950   |   Morgan Fairchild   |   actress
Dear Morgan Fairchild,

Happy 53rd Birthday! I hope you have an Old Navyriffic birthday! And how could you not, sporting the stylish and reasonably priced Performance Fleece? Warm, comfortable, and fun for the whole family! Everyone loves Performance Fleece. I even remember the old jingle with Sherman Hemsley and Isabel Sanford (Do you still speak with them?): "I'm goint to go, with you as my guest. In Performance Fleece, I'll be the best dressed!"

I've always been curious about one thing. What's it like being married to Jon Lovitz? He must keep you in stitches all day long. That dude is hilarious!

Warmly, (get it?)

Geoff Wolinetz

February 1, 1968   |   Pauly Shore   |   weasel
Dear P. Sho,

How is it that you share a birthday with Lisa Marie Presley, and you've never been married to her? I mean, this chick will marry anyone. She's the same age as you and she's been married three times! Michael Jackson? On a side note, did you see that disgusting open-mouth kiss they shared on MTV a few years back? What am I saying? Of course you did! You are "Mr. MTV," for Christ's sake!

Here's my suggestion: Give her a birthday call. Let her know you guys are exactly the same age. Score yourself a little "Daughter of the King" tail!

Viva Los Bio-Dome!


Geoff Wolinetz





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