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B I R T H D A Y   C A R D S
T O   C E L E B R I T I E S

Each and every day, Y.P.R. sends an honest-to-God birthday card to its favorite celebrity. Come, celebrate with us.


March 31, 1943   |   Christopher Walken   |   actor, singer, dancer
Dear Mr. Walken,

Happy 60th Birthday!

I'm a soft-shoe dancer with moderate singing abilities looking for a role model. I have seen your Saturday Night Live appearances and I must say, you are good. Very good. Would you consider mentoring me? I am having trouble with the potaburay (sp?) and stopping on "pizzazz." All I need is a little coaching and I understand you have a distinguished theater background. I have a couple of old Liberace tapes that I've gone over like the Zapruder film in hopes of picking up a little of his, um, "flair" but it has been to no avail. If you could help me out, I would be truly honored.

Happy birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. Could you send me an audiotape recording of you saying the word "passport?" I'd really appreciate it.

March 27, 1970   |   Mariah Carey   |   singer
Dear Mariah,

Happy 33rd Birthday!

We have so much in common! You were named after that song, "They Call The Wind 'Mariah'," right? I was named after a song also! I just wish that my parents didn't love Led Zeppelin so much. There are hundreds of songs out there with names in them. You got, "Walk Away, Renee." You got, "Along Comes Mary." You have, "A Boy Named Sue." God, even "Amanda" by Boston would have been fine. No, my parents had to like Led Zeppelin.

I also have breast implants. I understand you had a nervous breakdown also. How's that working out for you? I hear they serve ice cream for desert in the loony bin. I love ice cream too!

Happy Birthday!

Kashmir Wolinetz

March 26, 1948   |   Steven Tyler   |   rock star
Dear Mr. Tyler,

Happy 55th Birthday!

Steve, You're the manliest guy I know who can still manage to pull off teased hair, leopard-print tights, and silk scarves tied to everything. How do you do it? I tried dressing up as you one time (not for Hallowe'en, just for kicks), and I kept getting propositions from drag queens. Then, due to a miscommunication with a police officer, I spent the night in the clink, where, oddly enough, my cellmate serenaded me with "Dude Looks Like a Lady." Is it that incredibly large maw of yours that keeps you so tough? Or do you just have a certain je ne sais quoi? I'm guessing it's the gigantic horsemouth. You can swallow babies whole with that thing.

Happy Birthday, Steven!


Josh Abraham

March 26, 1976   |   Amy Smart   |   actress
Dear Amy Smart,

Exactly how smart are you? Does the name translate at all? I've been contemplating a name change because I'm a really stupid moron with a short attention span for cars and baseball bats. Really, what I'd like to do is play the guitar on "American Bandstand." I think that would be a lot of fun. If I were president of the world, I could order myself a hero sandwich. Of course, it wouldn't be all good. I'd have to wash my own socks.

Have a happy Arbor Day!

Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. I can't give you a penny more then $3,000 for your used car.

March 25, 1934   |   Gloria Steinem   |   feminist
Dear Ms. Steinem,

Happy 69th Birthday!

Ms. Steinem, I hope you take a moment on this, your special day, to reflect upon the incredible changes you've brought the world in your 69 backbreaking, bra-burning, angry years... Why, without you there'd be no televised women's volleyball on ESPN2; all pornography would be normal man/woman stuff, no girl-on-girl action; there would be no lady cops, and thus, no strippers dressed like lady cops. Mr. Steinem, this world is truly a better place thanks to you and your equality stuff.

But there's still room for improvement in this world, Mike. I come to you looking for some divine advice. You see, my girlfriend, Jennipher, is one of those neo-hippie, vegan, crunchy types... Now, I don't care that she hugs trees and won't eat steak rare; that's all fine and good. But now she's taken to not shaving the pits or legs. And that's all kinds of gross. Anytime I suggest something, it launches her into this five-minute feminist tirade about double standards of beauty and hygiene for men and women and blah blah blah. She drives me nuts. I've been trying subliminal psychology, like I'll remark "Wow! This silk shirt is so SMOOTH I can't control my emotions!" or "Hey, this Mexican hairless is so nice and SMOOTH I want to rub it all day!" But nothing works on her. So, any suggestions to re-feminize/de-feministize this chick?

Thanks in advance,


March 23, 1962   |   Star Jones   |   talk-show host
Dear Ms. Jones,

As I understand it, you are a lawyer. What this means is that you are familiar with legal terms. Now, since you are a lawyer, I have a question for you: Why is it that you cohost an estrogen fest? Is it that your law skills translate so poorly to the courtroom that you abandoned the profession? Or is it that they stopped serving those frosted doughnuts at your law firm? Since you are a lawyer, I figured that you'd be able to answer that question.

Also, legally speaking, it is your birthday. What this means is that you should have a happy birthday.

Happy 41st!

Geoff Wolinetz

24 March, 1960   |   Nena   |   80s pop singer
Lieber Nena,

Glücklicher 43rd Geburtstag! Ich liebe Ihren Song, "99 Luftbaloons." Meine Schildkröte kriecht immer in sein Shell, wenn sie angeht. Manchmal, wenn ich Abendessen esse, esse ich tacos. Wenn ich mein Fernsehen einschalte, tanze ich blankes auf meinem Bett. Der Wind kräuselt meine Testikel. Wenn ich ein Tier war, möchte ich ein Elefant sein. Sie haben enorme Penises. Wenn ich die Wand betrachte, verbringe ich eine enorme Zeitmenge die Bohrungen überprüfend.

Hoboken Uber Alles!

Geoff Wolinetz

March 23, 1949   |   Ric Ocasek   |   Car
Dear Ricky O,

Happy 54th Birthday!

I'm sure you and Paulina Porzikova have a huge birthday bash planned. Will there be other Cars there? Do you even talk to those guys anymore? Or will it be just you and Paulina Porkinova, all alone? I couldn't blame you for that... if I were married to Paulina Kornikova, I'd spend every single weekend alone with her, birthday or not. Especially if I was a skinny, geeky, mutant rocker like you, Ric Ocasek. What is it about ugly 80s rock stars that always landed them the hottest models in town?

I mean, Rod Stewart looks like a crumpled-up brown paper bag, but he got Rachel Hunter. Billy Joel looks like his face is on upside down, yet still he snagged Christie Brinkley. (At least, back then in the 80s. Now, Billy Joel looks like Billy Joel's dad.) And you, Ric -- you look like a mortician's training corpse, and still you managed to get yourself Paulina Plorkaborka. God bless you, you ugly, aging rocker, you. Your marriage to a hot model outlasted all your peers, even if your music career is long dead and buried. And, hell, I'd choose hot model wife over album sales any day.

I salute you, Ric. Happy Birthday.


Josh Abraham

March 23, 1976   |   Keri Russell   |   actress
Dear Keri,

Happy 27th Birthday!

I'm a huge, huge, huge fan of your show, "Felicity." I cried for weeks when they took it off the air. Weeks more when they put it back on the air, but on the Woman Network. You see, while I love your show, it's a little embarrassing for me to watch it on the Equality Network because I'm a Nielson household, and I'm afraid the Nielson ratings-watchers are secretly laughing at me. What self-respecting man would watch the Proud-to-Be-a-Woman Network?

But, wait! I've outsmarted the Nielson bastards, Keri! What I do is this: I call up my Aunt Gladys, who is a woman, and therefore not embarrassed to watch the Hear-Me-Roar Network, and I have her tape your show for me. The problem is she only has a Betamax and I operate on VHS, so I have to outsource my dubbing at a local audio/video dub shop. I hope you appreciate the lengths to which I go to watch your show, Keri. I outsource my dubbing, and let me tell you: that ain't cheap. But you're worth it. I'd outsource my dubbing for you any day, Keri.

Also, I thought you might like to know this: Aunt Gladys's daughter-in-law, Sheila, used to work as an exotic dancer under the name "Kandi Korns." She headlined Tuesday nights at Tarmac, this club down by the airport. She was pretty good. She could wrap herself around a pole like Anyway, she used to have long curly hair, but then decided on a drunken whim to cut it really short. Well, the dollars slipped into her thong began to dwindle, the customers stopped showing up, and Greasy Vic, the club's owner, relocated her to Sunday nights. This didn't last long though; her act was cancelled before her hair grew back. Anywho, I thought you'd appreciate the eerie parallel between Kandi Korn's act and the fate of your show. Sheila can't stop talking about it. She tells everybody, "I got Felcitied by Greasy Vic." Aunt Gladys doesn't see what all the fuss is about, but, hey, that's Aunt Gladys for ya.

Happy Bday, Keri!


Josh Abraham

P.S. If you'd ever like to see my cousin-in-law, Sheila, she now performs at Bait 'n' Tickle, this place down by the docks, under the name "Lollypop Larue." Maybe we can go together and see her sometime.

March 22, 1948   |   Andrew Lloyd Weber   |   composer of everything
March 22, 1930   |   Stephen Sondheim   |   composer of everything else
Dear Andy and Steve,

Happy 55th and 73rd Birthdays!

Gadzooks, I can't freaking believe that the two of you share a birthday! That's insane! I mean, as it is, I can never remember which one of you guys wrote which musical I hated. But, really, what's the difference? The two of you together are responsible for the bulk of my fits of boiling rage. I can't tell you how many times I've stormed out of a Broadway theater -- halfway into the first song -- ready to erupt. So many times, I've punched out the ushers, torn my Playbill to shreds, fell to my knees and pounded the pavement, cursing one of your names with passionate fury. It's a good thing the N.Y.C. theater district is in Times Square, which is overrun with cheap hookers. Otherwise, I'd have quit my job as theater critic years ago.

Keep up the good work, boys!

Don't Cry for Me,

Josh Abraham

March 22, 1976   |   Reese Witherspoon   |   actress
Dear Reese,

Happy 27th Birthday!

Gosh darn it, Reese, you're the most adorable thing in the world. You're cute as a button! You're sweet as a peach! You're easy on the eyes! You're alluring to my wants! You're appealing to my voracious sexual appetite! You're enticing to my fiery libido! You're tantalizing to my scorching loins!

I gotta go. Happy birthday.

Head over heels,


P.S. If things don't work out with Phillippe... you got my number, Reese.

March 21, 1962   |   Rosie O'Donnell   |   rosie o'donnell
Dear Rosie,

Happy 41st Birthday!

Look: your defunct magazine, your talk-show-no-more, your pro-K-mart/anti-NRA hot air... that's all fine and good. I don't care one way or the other.

But my childhood imagination never once dreamed of Betty Rubble as a plump, snarky lesbian. I'm sending you my therapist bills.

Happy B-Day, Rosie!


Josh Abraham

March 20, 1957   |   Spike Lee   |   angry director
Dear Spike,

Happy 46th Birthday!

But I'm so sorry war broke out on the eve of your special day. The first thing I did was run out to my local all-nite Hallmark/liquor store. I picked up a bottle of Bacardi and searched for the perfect card that might make you smile on this, your special day. (The rum was for me.) I was looking for a card that said something like, "Do the right thing and have a good birthday," or "Get on the bus headed to Crooklyn, birthday boy!" or even, "Don't be bamboozled! Set your clockers for the 25th hour and invite 4 little girls over to celebrate your birthday like the original kings of comedy would! Mo' better blues, freak!" You know, that kind of thing: a perfect Spike Lee card.

Alas, all I could find was stuff with ugly babies in birthday hats or sloppy cartoon drawings of animals talking like humans. Why is it, do you think, that Hallmark sucks so bad? It's like they're just not trying anymore. You should make one of your rage-fueled films about how Hallmark's suckiness is making the world not as good a place as it ought to be.

Well, Spike, I'm sorry I couldn't find a Spike-worthy card, and I'm sorry about the war.

But the good news is, I polished off the whole bottle and managed to keep it down all night. I think I'm building a tolerance.

Happy Birthday!


Josh Abraham

March 19, 1968   |   Tyrone Hill   |   basketball player
Dear Mr. Hill,

Happy 35th Birthday! I just think you're great, Mr. Hill. You're a hell of a basketball player, even if you’re no all-star and most kids probably don’t hang your poster on the wall. Still, even if most people don’t know who you are, I’m pretty sure you could beat me in a one-on-one game, easy.

You’re pretty tall too -- 6’8”, right? Imagine you were 6'8”, but no good at basketball? That would really suck! I remember there was this guy at my last job who was tall – 6’8” at least – and everybody would always ask him if he was good at basketball. “Why?” he would scream, “because I’m black?!?” “No, no,” we would answer, “Because you’re tall.” Anyway, he quit.

So have you considered acting in movies, Mr. Hill? Kareem Abdul-Jabar had roles in “Airplane” and a Bruce Lee movie. I’d call that a solid Hollywood career. With your misshaped head on top of your six feet, eight inches, I bet you can get a good gig playing bad guys, aliens, mutants, or something like that. You can be a token crazy guy like that guy who played Jaws in “Goldfinger.” That guy was super-freaky: really big and really misshapen in the head area.

And there's always the adult film industry, too. Just based on sheer scale, I bet you'd be perfect for that.

I look forward to your next career move. Seeing as you’ve been on four teams already, I’d imagine you’re looking for some stability. Good luck, Mr. Hill!

Shorter than you,

Nick Jezarian

March 19, 1955   |   Bruce Willis   |   actor
Dear Bruce,

Happy 48th Birthday!

Not only am I your biggest fan, I am also an amateur psychological profiler (completely self-taught!). I hope to freelance for private investigators and international spies and thereby use my magnificent abilities to assist in the solving/thwarting of dastardly crimes, but until then, I dabble in psychologically profiling people’s pets, celebrities on TV, characters in romance novels… that kind of thing. Got to keep my p-skills sharp!

So, Mr. Willis, my birthday gift to you is a profile I’ve compiled based on over 200 hours of Bruce Willis research: I’ve watched every movie, every talk-show appearance, a promo for a Planet Hollywood opening, video testimony of your court appearances, and most of “Moonlighting.” I present this profile to you, free of charge, for you to take or leave as you see fit.

Here’s what I got:

After watching “Twelve Monkeys,” “Unbreakable,” and “Pulp Fiction,” I’ve concluded: You are bald.

Next, “Four Rooms,” “Fifth Element,” “Sixth Sense,” “Whole Nine Yards,” and “Twelve Monkeys” (again). I’ve concluded: You like numbers.

I then watched “Disney’s The Kid,” in which middle-aged you meets prepubescent you, “Twelve Monkeys” (third time’s the charm), in which cute little tyke you has flashback dreams of creepy grown-up you, and even your “Shatterday” episode of the new “Twilight Zone,” in which you meets another you, and you fight. My conclusion: You like yourself.

Finally, I watched “The Siege,” “Hart’s War,” and “Tears of the Sun.” I conclude: You like blowing up foreigners.

So, what do we have? You, Mr. Willis, are a bald man who likes numbers, blowing up foreigners, and himself. I thereby declare you, Mr. Willis, are none other than… White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer! Ta-da!

You’re welcome. That was, of course, a free birthday gift. If you’d like a psychological profile of Ms. Demi Moore, it’ll cost you. To whet your appetite, all I can say is: million-dollar infidelity, fake breasts, Keds: They feel good (all of those things).

Happy Birthday, Bruno!


Josh Abraham

March 18, 1970   |   Queen Latifah   |   actress/rapper
Your Highness,

Happy 33rd Birthday, Your Majesty!

Also, Mazel Tov on your Best Supporting Actress nomination! I'd wish you luck, Queenie, but my gut says you don't need it. And my gut is never wrong in picking Oscars, except for Best Visual Effects. I can never get a good feel on that. Speaking of things I'd like to get a good feel on, Catherine Zeta-Jones is your hottest competition, so the Academy might vote her way, because, you know, she's hot, and the Academy is mostly made up of desperate old men, and they might think they have a chance with her, since C.Z.-J. likes older men. Especially ones with cleft chins. God, wouldn't you love to have a chin like Kirk Douglas? That chin says power. That chin says respect. That chin says "I have a gorgeous daughter-in-law." I heard about this plastic surgeon that specializes in Douglas-style chin implants. Do you think I should go for one? I'm very unhappy with my chin because it looks like a pencil eraser. But, then again, it's the chin God gave me. I'm so conflicted. What do you think, Your Highness?

Back to your upcoming Supporting Actress catfight: my gut says, steer clear of that Bates character. She is one odd bird. I heard when she was up for "Misery," she stalked a bunch of the old men in the Academy, made threats to their wives, mailed them shoeboxes of cut-up roses... that type of thing. But, we know how that turned out, don't we? So Bates might get some votes based on simple fear tactics. My gut still says you've got the award in the bag, but watch out for the Amazonian goddess and beware of Krazy Kathy.

Hmm. Wait. I forgot about the Streep. That woman eats Oscars. She's got like fifty of 'em. How many of those creepy old men in the Academy you think she had to sleep with? My gut is rumbling on this one.

And the other one, Julianne Moore -- Wait. She's probably gonna win. Oh well. Sorry 'bout getting your hopes up, Q.L. I mean, those old white supremacists in the Academy gave away so many awards to Actors of Color last year, there's no way they'd give it to you.

But then again, Big Stevie Martin is the host, and he's starring with you in the number-one smash-hit blockbuster this weekend, Bringin' Down tha Houz, so maybe he can pull some strings in your favor. Okay, my gut is is seriously giving me problems here. I think I need kaopectate.

Happy Birthday!

Your biggest fan,


March 17, 1964   |   Rob Lowe   |   actor
Dear Rob Lowe,

Happy 39th, big man!

I understand that you walked away from "The West Wing" over a salary dispute. I applaud this decision. I did the same thing at my job and the New York City Department of Sanitation is crippled by my absence. Don't worry about the money either. I'm sure you'll land on your feet like I did. I'm 39 too and I live in my mother's basement, but I'll get out any day now. Besides, the last time you left the spotlight in the 1980s, it only took you 10 years to get your career back on track. I'll look for you in 2013. I'll be 49 then too.

Erin go bragh,

Geoff Wolinetz

March 14, 1933   |   Michael Caine   |   actor
Dear Mr. Caine,

Happy 70th Birthday!

Are you a knight yet? If you're not you should be and if you are, congratulations, errant knight. Although if you are, and my friends tell me you are, kudos for you! You somehow got the Queen to overlook the remake of Get Carter, Blame it on Rio, The Swarm, Jaws III (missed the boat on that franchise) and Water. It's really quite a coup that you managed to survive those atrocious beasts. In fact, if you had the power, I'd ask you not to refund my money but to actually give me back those wasted 10 hours of my life. I actually felt stupider, and less of a human being after watching those.

In your defense (it is your birthday after all), I must say you have some real good titles under your belt as well. I suspect that's bound to happen considering how many films you've made, with over 110 under your expanding waistline. You look damn, damn good for a 71-year-old, by the way. But back to the subject, to use a sports analogy, you're never going to hit a home run if you don't take a swing, are you? No one can ever say you got cheated out of a swing. I'm sure you took on some films just to pay the bills, but you were pretty promiscuous with the jobs you've taken. Which makes me wonder, if you're that unpicky with the films you choose, I can only imagine what your sex life must be like. Good God, Sir Michael. I'm sure you've heard that one before.

So congratulations on your 1.69-movies-per-years-alive average and many more. I'd love to see you push that average to 2 but that might be tough. Happy Birthday, I hope you have a wonderful knight.

Break a leg,

Nick Jezarian

March 13, 1951   |   Fred Berry   |   Rerun
Dear Rerun,

Happy 52nd Birthday! Is Fred "Rerun" Stubbs still in the fourth grade after all these years, Fred "Rerun" Berry? Sometimes it's tough to separate the actor from the character, Fred. I mean, you both are named Fred "Rerun," you both wear snazzy red berets, and you both dance, dance, dance. I wanted to know more about you, Fred, the real you -- I haven't seen you around much since "What's Happening Now!" ended. I researched some trivia about you on the 'Net, and discovered the following salient facts:

  • You legally changed your middle name to "Rerun."
  • Your are now a Baptist minister.
  • You've been married six times to four women; yes, you married the same woman twice, twice.
  • You played 'Bootleg Greg' in the 2000 direct-to-video flick, Big Money Hustla$.
  • You only earned $500 per episode of "What's Happening Now!"
Now, Fred, this raises some questions:
  • Did the same judge who granted legality to your middle name also perform any of your weddings?
  • Only 500 bucks, Fred? Jeez, you're worth twice that! I hope you've fired your agent.
  • Are you the only human being on the planet who can boast, "I'm a breakdancing, beret-wearing minister with 3.5 ex-wives. Call me 'Rerun'"? My guess is: Yes. Even with a billion people in China, the odds are still considerably in your favor.
Egads, Fred, you seem to defy the laws of physics. Happy Birthday, Stubbs.

Josh "Fred 'Rerun' Stubbs" Abraham

March 12, 1953   |   Ron Jeremy   |   porn star
Dear RJ,

Good God, man! Happy 50th birthday! 50 years old, and still going with the porno thing! Many porn stars would have gotten out of the smut game at this point, but not you, RJ. No, sir. You have staying power. Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. This letter started out as a joke. But how can I joke with a man who has starred in over 700 pornographic films (not including Jesus Christ Superstar)? And you are Jewish! Single-handedly working to dispel the myth that Jewish men have small ding-dongs. You are doing all Jews a great service with your work. You have nailed some of the best-looking women in the world. I greatly admire you sir.

Again, Happy Birthday!

Keep on humpin',

Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. Is it true that you play the pipe organ? That's just too funny.

March 11, 1956   |   Joey Buttafuoco   |   mechanic/celebrity boxer
Dear Jospeh,

Happy 47th Birthday!

I was shocked to look at my watch and find that it has been over a decade since you have been in the public eye. I think I speak for most of America when I say, "Where have you been?" or "We miss you," or "Do you still have those zebra-striped muscle pants that you wore when you were diddling the high-school chick in the back of the garage?" America wants to know!

Also, your name: Is it pronounced "Butta-foo-co" or is it "Butta-foo-O-co"? Or is it neither of those? I'm pretty solid on the "Butta" part; it's the "fuoco" part that's a real noodle-scratcher. I've been confused since you made your first TV appearance, all those years ago. Those were salad days, weren't they? Oh, yes, indeed. You were the first bizarre scandal in a long series: Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit, et cetera. You set the standard, my friend.


Geoff Wolinetz ("Wolla-netz")

March 10, 1940   |   Chuck Norris   |   Texas Ranger
Dear Chuckles,

Happy 63rd Birthday! Good lord, Truck, you're 63 years old and you still kick ass! Hell, I have no doubt you'll still be ass-kicking at 80! (Don't get all cocky and go breaking a hip, Chip.)

I've seen you in everything you've ever kicked ass in, and I'm not just talking about your numerous Missing in Actions and Delta Forces. I even have a VHS I dubbed from my friend Sneaky Pete that's got your appearances and clips in four -- yes, four -- Bruce Lee documentaries: Curse of the Dragon, Bruce Lee in G.O.D., Bruce Lee: A Warrior's Journey, and, my favorite B.L. retrospective, Bruce Lee and Kung Fu Mania. How come you and Bruce don't make movies together anymore?

But, Chick, I gotta be honest, my all-time top favorite is, without a doubt, your 1986 animated series, "Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos." Sometimes, I stay up all night watching "CN:KK" marathons. My friend Sneaky Pete used to come over with our girlfriends, Lucinda and Blanche, and we'd have Karate Kommando parties, where we'd dress up and re-enact scenes. We'd pretend we were the top secret operatives of the United States government and had to thwart the evil plans of the Claw and his righthand man, Super Ninja. I usually played Kimo, the samurai; Sneaky Pete was your apprentice Reed. (Nobody dared to play you, because who could do justice to your ass-kicking, even in its animated form?) But here's where the problems started: Lucinda and Blanche got into a huuuuge fight over who would be Tabe the Sumo and who would be Too Much, your young ward. As you could imagine, the ladies were a tad sensitivbe about their self-image, Loosey in particular, and neither wanted to play the part of Tabe the Sumo. Because, you know, sumos are fat. And girls are silly about that. This was the beginning of the end, Chazz. There was an all-out fight, but not as much Karate Kommando ass-kicking as there was hair-pulling and crying. You'd think that would be a bit of a turn-on, but really it was just kind of sad.

Happy Birthday, Morris!


Josh "Kimo the Samurai" Abraham
President emeritus of the Carlos Ray Norris Fan Club, Lansing chapter (Web site coming soon!)

P.S. The Octagon gives me nightmares. All I hear at night is the echoing whispers of ominous voices quoting lines from that movie, and I think they're misquoting some of the lines, and that really bugs me when people do that, ya know? Loosey Lucinda used to do that all the time.

March 10, 1957   |   Shannon Tweed   |   legitimate actress
Dear Ms. Tweed,

I've been dating my girlfriend, Marisol, for nearly five months now. She's a very sweet girl. My parents love her. My friends all think she's perfect for me. My aunt always says to me, "Geoff, if I had balls, I'd be your uncle, and I'd put the moves on that Marisol." All of this is well and good. The problem is this: She insists that we make love fully clothed (Marisol, not my aunt -- Yuck!). It's a dubious proposition indeed. She puts on the song, "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off," by Jermaine Stewart and we have special "boning" clothing. In fact, over the last five months I've seen you naked on your various Cinemax films more than I've seen my own girlfriend. I understand that you are married to Gene Simmons. Can you help me at all here? Any advice, Tweed? Thanks.

Also, happy 46th birthday!


Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. What's the deal with Gene's tongue? How far back does that thing go?

March 7, 1923   |   Michael Eisner   |   top mouse
Dear Michael Eisner,

Happy 61st birthday!

Okay, be honest with me. Is that you inside the Minnie Mouse suit in Frontierland at Walt Disney World? It's okay; I'm not trying to put you on the spot or anything. I just have a feeling it's you. That walk is unmistakable. Here's what it really is, though: I was walking through Frontierland with the wife and I wondered aloud, "How much do you think this place brings in a year?" I swear to God, I heard Minnie say, in a somewhat husky voice, "Wouldn't you like to know?" I then turned around and you, er, Minnie was gone.


Geoff Wolinetz

March 6, 1923   |   Ed McMahon   |   TV personality
Dear Ed McMahon,

HI-YO! Happy birthday, sir!

Ha ha ha, YES! It's your birthday. You are correct, sir. Not a young man. No, sir. Time to start playing golf, sir, yes. Ha ha ha. YES! Handicap is not good sir, no. A good walk spoiled, O wise and mighty one! YES! Enjoying retirement in Palm Springs, sir, yes. Hot as a snake's ass in wagon rot, sir. Desert air is very dry. Ha ha ha. YES!


Geoff Wolinetz

March 6, 1936   |   Marion Barry, Jr.   |   former mayor
Dear former Mayor Barry, Jr.,

Happy 67th birthday!

I hope it's all it's cracked up to be. I'm going to be 27 later this year and I know that my friends are going to crack open the bubbly when we celebrate. For you, I'll bet you just want to spend a nice evening at home with your wife, put on some records, listen to the logs crack in the fire and relax. And that's cool. When you get to be your age, you probably just want a crack at hitting 80, right? I'm sure you'll crack 70.

I'm trying to crack into politics myself, but that's probably just a pipe dream. Do you have any pointers for me? I sort of embarrassed myself at a rally the other day when my pants fell down and everyone saw the crack of my ass. They all cracked up, but I was just plain cracked.

What do you think of the Yankees this year? They are a crack team of savvy veterans. I think they have a chance to crack the top 10 teams of all time.


Geoff Wolinetz

March 5, 1501   |   Penn Jillette   |   magician
Dear Penn the Grey,

Happy Birthday!

Your wizardry never ceases to bedazzle, o mighty dark one.

You and your apprentice/manservant, Teller, have embarked upon a noble challenge; exposing the trickery of your charlatan peers* on cable television! Truly, o master of sorcery, your quest will bring light to the true magic of the Sons of Merlin Order of Bewitchery (Greenfield, Massachusettes chapter). May the light of your wonder-working spellcraft never dim, wise mage.

Faithfully yours in the new world order,


Muggle-free in 2003!

*Destroy Siegried and Roy, but be nice to the Amazing Mumford.

March 4, 1961   |   Ray 'Boom Boom' Mancini   |   boxer
Dear Boom Boom,

Happy Happy Birthday Birthday, Boom Boom!

You may or may not know this, but I was in the crowd when you beat the snot out of Duk-Koo Kim to retain the WWBBAA Lightweight Lightweight title title in November 1982. Man, I'll never forget that night. I brought the wife to Vegas to see you fight. After the fight, we went back to the room and made sweet sweet love love. It was a wonderful trip. And I owe it all to the merciless beating that you wrought on that Korean Korean fighter fighter.

Let me ask you a question question. How did you get the nickname, Boom Boom? Was it from your father father? He was fighter fighter also, right? I'd love to know where the nickname nickname came from.

Have a good 42nd.

Geoff Geoff Wolinetz Wolinetz

March 3, 1950   |   Tim Kazurinsky   |   actor
Dear Timmy K,

Happy 53rd birthday!

I am a tall man -- Six foot seven inches tall, to be exact. The other day I'm watching Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, and it gets to the part where Mrs. Feldman (wonderfully portrayed by Billie Bird) asks Sgt. Tackleberry if she can fire his gun. Well, damned if she doesn't fire that sucker and blow herself clear across the firing range, due to the kickback of the sergeant's large gun. After I stopped laughing and changed my shorts (I wet myself), I returned to the movie and saw you on screen as Officer Sweetchuck. My God, you were magnificent.

Long story short, I'm a tall guy. Six foot seven inches tall, to be exact. I'm looking for a short, nerdy guy to be my pal, someone that I could protect in exchange for lessons on the finer things of life. Not football. I already know about football. Would you be interested? I'd consider it an honor.

Awaiting your reply,

Geoff Wolinetz

March 3, 1966   |   Tone Loc   |   rapper/actor
Dear Mr. Loc,

Happy 37th Birthday! Surely you have a night of funky cold medina-induced wild thinging planned! Egads, Mr. Loc, your witty contributions to the American vulgate have not yet stopped giving! Oh, if only the great Mencken were alive to appreciate you, Loc! I've been a fan of yours since your rapping days, of course. But I was simply bowled over by some of your dramatic performances, in such cinematic treats as Surf Ninjas and Car 54, Where Are You?, and your guest appearences as "Security Guard" on the highly rated situation-comedy program, "News Radio." You are a double wonder, TL! Acting, rapping... is there nothing you can't do?

Okay. Let's get down to business, here: I have a ladyfriend coming over for dinner, and I'd like to prepare some Funky Cold Medina for us to drink, and then maybe later we'll "get it on." But I'm stumped, Big Tone. I've searched high and low, and I simply can't find a supermarket or convienience store that stocks Medina, even lukewarm and non-funky. I searched for recipes, hoping to concoct my own, but I got bupkes. A little help, Tone?



Josh Abraham

P.S. You were robbed of a nomination for your vocal work in "Ferngully."

P.P.S. I heard you were a Crip, once. That's so cool! I bet "Ferngully" was a big hit among your Crip-brothers. Hell, that movie was so good, I bet even those mean old Bloods had to give you props. "Ferngully: The Last Rainforest," capable of brining piece to warring gangs. They should translate it and bring that wonderful film over seas, and maybe bring some joy to this crazy world, huh? If only, Tone. If only.

March 3, 1970   |   Julie Bowen   |   hot chick/actress
Dear Ms. Julie Bowen,

Happy 33rd Birthday! I watch your show, "Ed," every week. It gives me great pleasure to see that doofus Ed chase your skirt around all episode. Since mere prose could not accurately convey my feelings, I've written a birthday haiku for you:

Ed chases Carol
Adventures in bowling lanes
Life in Stuckeyville
That took me 4 hours.


Geoff Wolinetz

March 1, 1944    |    Roger Daltrey    |    rock singer
Dear Roger Daltrey,

Happy 59th Birthday! Roger, I feel like you and I are kindred spirits. It's almost like it's my birthday, too! You see, you are the genuine Roger Daltrey, of course, lead singer of the greatest rock band in the world, the Who. I am lead singer of the band The Whom. We are a klezmer tribute band to the Who. We perform covers of all your hit songs, adapted for the klezmer. We are a huge hit among the Bingo-night circuit of Kew Gardens, Forest Hills, and parts of Bayside (all in Queens, New York). Can I send you a cassette tape of our live set, "Quadrohernia" (recorded at last summer's Billy Goldfarb bar mitzvah, at the Temple Gimlechel rec room)? Perhaps we can perform together sometime, maybe an opening act/main performance one night? And then the next night we can switch? Let me know, RD. I'm looking forward to it, as are Teet Pownshend, Meith Koon, and Ent Johnwhistle.

In fondest admiration,

Josh "Dodger Raltrey" Abraham
lead singer, The Whom






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