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B I R T H D A Y   C A R D S
T O   C E L E B R I T I E S

Each and every day, Y.P.R. sends an honest-to-God birthday card to its favorite celebrity. Come, celebrate with us.


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October 31, 1968   |   Vanilla Ice   |   carwash employee?
Dear Vanilla,

Happy 35th Birthday!

I remember there was one Halloween, probably 1990, (circa Cool as Ice) where I dressed like you for the occasion. I had the hair, the “Word To Your Mother” jacket, the total lack of muscular definition, and that air of being totally uncool about me. I was 14.

Anyway, I was thinking of being you again for Halloween this year, only instead of “pop culture icon,” you’re now a “pointed-and-laughed-at-has-been.” What’s that like, Van? Having legions of children celebrate you one year, than point and laugh at you just a decade later? Gotta suck. Especially on your birthday.

Tell me, is your eyebrow still striped? Mine is. I did it (among other things) to emulate you back in those glory days of 1990, and, I dunno why, it just never grew back. Did you use lye also? Or just a razor?

Hey, Happy Birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. Did you know your real name is Robert Van Winkle? Hahahahahaha. Winkle.

October 28, 1974   |   Joaquin Pheonix   |   actor
Dear Joaq,

Happy 29th Birthday!

Why do people keep telling me I look like you? Stop looking like me!

Go fuck yourself.


October 27, 1952   |   Roberto Benigni   |   Italian
Dear Roberto,

Happy 51st Birthday!

I want to make love to your special day with the loins I have! I want to play peek-a-boo with funbags and say hello to the world! This is a great day for me and to celebrate your birthday would be very good! Come join me in the grabbing of the crotches! Birthdays are fun!

It's not so fucking funny when someone does it to you is it? Tighten up your acceptance speeches, jerk.

Happy Birthday!


October 24, 1939   |   F. Murray Abraham   |   actor
Dear F,

Happy 64th Birthday! Are you related to me? Cousin? Uncle? Something like that? Because I only have one favor to ask: Do you know Charlize Theron?


October 20, 1935   |   Jerry Orbach   |   actor
Dear Jerry,

Happy 68th Birthday!

Jerry, you've been playing a cop on "Law & Order" and its ridiculous spinoffs for like 45 years already. I thought the police department had a really good pension program. When are you going to retire?

These are your golden years, Jerr. Don't waste 'em. Happy 68th!

Josh Abraham

October 16, 1925   |   Angela Lansbury   |   actress
Dear Ms. Lansbury,

Happy 78th Birthday!

Tonight, 11 o'clock, my place. You, me, a box of wine, and I'm cooking up some Steak-Umms. Just the way you like 'em.

See you there, sexy.


October 15, 1942   |   Penny Marshall   |   director
Dear Ms. Marshall,

Happy 61st Birthday!

Penny, I was digging through the farthest reaches of my jumbo walk-in closet in search of my lucky pleather pants when I found a couple of shirts with Bedazzler-bejeweled cursive capital letter Ls over the left breast pocket. They sure ain't mine. Are they yours? How the hell did they get in my closet? And I can't find my lucky pleather pants anywhere.

Happy Birthday!

Best wishes,
Josh Abraham

October 14, 1928   |   Roger Moore   |   007
Dear Rog,

Happy 76th Birthday! You know, you share a name with a skinny black kid on an American television program called, "What's Happening?" That Rog also had a sarcastic sister named Dee, a chubby friend nicknamed "Rerun," and another friend named Dwayne (ably portrayed by Haywood Nelson). There was also an irreverent waitress with a quirky thyroid named Shirley.

Anyway, congrats on the knight thing. You still owe me 50 bucks. Don't think I forgot.

Happy 76th.

Geoff Wolinetz

October 8, 1949   |   Sigourney Weaver   |   actress
Dear Siggy,

Happy 54th Birthday!

Know what? Nobody can hear you scream under water, either. Not just in outer space, but right here on earth, too! Just off the coast of Mexico, for example. I know this because I stepped on a barracuda once while scuba-diving, and believe me, I screamed like a woman. And nobody could hear me...

Happy birthday, baby!

Your pal,

October 7, 1955   |   Yo-Yo Ma   |   cellist
Dear Yo-Yo,

Happy 48th Birthday!

Yo-Yo, if (hypothetically speaking) you fed trace amounts of silver nitrate to a werewolf every day, do you think over time he'd build up a tolerance and eventually you'd have a wolfman that couldn't be stopped by silver bullets? What about Centrum Silver?

Just wondering. Happy birthday!

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

October 6, 1976   |   Seann William Scott   |   stifler
Dear Seann,

Happy 27th Birthday!

Seann, I've recently undergone chin-implant plastic surgery as the first of many steps in a complex facial reconstruction process so that I may one day look exactly like you. (Do not think this means I admire/have a crush on you in any way; the simple truth is, my wife thinks you've got a handsome mug and my facial reconstruction is an elaborate present from me to her.) Anyway, since we now share chins/jaws, I thought you might answer me this: Bulletproof Monk?!? What were you thinking?

Anyway, have a happy, happy birthday.

Your soon-to-be identical twin,
Ray Stillman

October 5, 1936   |   Václav Havel   |   head Czech
Dear Václav,

Happy 67th Birthday!

Would you believe I invented a new drink recipe called the Václava Lamp? It's delicious. You start with two jiggers Captain Morgan's spiced rum, add a jigger of Jack Daniel's, a couple jiggs of Glenlivet, another jigger of Captain Morgan, two solid squirts of Tabasco, a shot of milk 24 hours short of its expiration date, three pickled onions, fill halfway with orange juice, the rest of the way with Pepsi Twist. (Needless to say, you'll need a medium-sized bucket for all this.) Now shake it good. You'll know it's ready if the mixture becomes a colloidal substance approximately the same shade of yellow as jaundice. Drink up! But take it easy, O.K.? Two or three Václava Lamps and you'll be drunker than Tara Reid at breakfast.

Happy Birthday, Vác!

Your friend,
Ray S.

October 5, 1976   |   Kate Winslet   |   actress
Dear Kate,

Happy 28th Birthday!

Kate, you sure like to show your boobs a lot. (Thanks!) Don't you think you could have given us just a little peep to make The Life of David Gale even halfway watchable? That movie really, really stunk bad.

Happy happy.

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

October 5, 1975   |   Alicia Silverstone   |   actress
Dear Ali-ci-a,

Happy 27th Birthday!

Man, I sure was head-over-heels for you sometime post-"Cryin'" and pre-"Amazin'." That's a pretty narrow window, sure, but my fancies are fickle.

Happy Birthday!

Best wishes,
Josh Abraham

October 4, 1924   |   Charlton Heston   |   omega man
Dear Chuckles,

Happy 79th Birthday!

Did you shoot anyone for your birthday, Chuck? I bet you did! I like shooting people, too, Chuck. I also like twirling my gun on my finger. Whoo-hoo, lookit me, I'm a cowboy! Yee-ha! Hot diggity! Damn you, Michael Moore, you anti-gun-nut fat bastard! Damn dirty apes! Drink up, Judah Ben-Hur! Um, Soylent Green is people?

I'm all hepped up on NyQuil. Please don't shoot me, Chuck.

Happy Birthday.

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

October 4, 1979   |   Rachael Leigh Cook   |   actress
Dear RLC,

Happy 24th Birthday!

And now, a birthday riddle for you: I'm food. But you can't eat all of me. First you have to throw away my outside and then cook my inside. Then, you eat my cooked outside and throw away my inside. What am I?

Ponder that one for a year, and I'll tell you the answer when you turn 25!

O.K., fine, the answer is: corn. I'm corn. Happy Birthday!

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

October 3, 1941   |   Chubby Checker   |   twister
Dear Chubby,

Why did I think you were older than 62? Also, how come your nickname is 10-year-old slang for an erection? Just wondering. Happy Birthday, ya fat fuck.

Happy 62nd Birthday!

Geoff "Stiffy" Wolinetz

October 3, 1976   |   India.Arie   |   singer

Happy 27th Birthday!

India.Arie, what's up with the punctuation? Hyphens in a name are O.K. (like Jean-Luc) and even apostrophes (like O'Irish) but, seriously, what the hell is up with that period? Are you some high-tech supercomputer program like S1m0ne? I think it's stupid. Stupid, India.Arie, stupid. Also, your songs suck.

Happy stupid birthday.


October 1, 2001   |   Haypenny   |   Web site
Dear Haypenny,

Happy 2nd birthday!

Thank God for you guys. Otherwise we'd have to write this to Esai Morales (41) or Randy Quaid (53) or Julie Andrews (68) and none of them are talking to us anymore after that wild Ecstacy rave at Vincent Price's mansion. I bet you thought he was dead, too! Nope. He's not. No who else was there? Magician Doug Henning. I swear those two are steeped in the occult. Whew, what a wild, wild night of debauchery. I still have Julie Andrews's panties, by the way.

Happy Bday, Haypenny! Shine on, you crazy diamond!

All the best,


P.S. Slim Pickens sends his best, too. V.P. and D.H. did some voodoo hocus-pocus stuff and reanimated him just for kicks.


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