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B I R T H D A Y   C A R D S
T O   C E L E B R I T I E S

Each and every day, Y.P.R. sends an honest-to-God birthday card to its favorite celebrity. Come, celebrate with us.


September 30, 1968   |   Monica Bellucci   |   actress
Dear Bellucci,

What are your feet like?

Happy Birthday.

Geoff Wolinetz

September 30, 1982   |   Lacey Chabert   |   actress
Dear Lacey,

Happy 21st Birthday!

My, you've developed quite nicely. I bet some of your costar J.L. Hewitt's talents have rubbed off on you, if you know what I'm sayin.' Her "assets," if ya get me. I think you do: I'm sayin' she's got a lovely figure, and so do you. Only I'm saying it quite unctuously, employing weak and trite metaphors. Therein lies the wry humor.

Happy Birthday! Best,

September 29, 1958   |   Andrew "Dice" Clay   |   comedian
Dear "Diceman,"

Happy 45th Birthday! Here's a birthday nursery rhyme for you:

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
But betwixt the two of them
They netted more money than you did last year.

(It's free verse.)

Happy 45th!

Geoff Wolinetz

September 28, 1972   |   Gwyneth Paltrow   |   actress
Dear Gwynnie,

Damn, girl, why you so cold?

All the best,

September 28, 1987   |   Hilary Duff   |   teeny bopper
Dear Hilary,

Happy 16th Birthday!

Good gravy, you're just 16?!? So young! So successful! So cute! I'm going to end this card immediately before I get totally improper and inappropriate, all R. Kelly-style. I'll see you in 2005.


September 26, 1948   |   Olivia Newton-John   |   actress
Dear ON-J,

Happy 45th Birthday!

Olivia, I'm sorry about your career. You know, 'cause it sucks and all, with the no movie roles and the sucking and everything. Maybe it's because your Australian accent was never all that convincing. Paul Hogan, now that's an accent. And a talent, if I've ever seen one. That Crocodile Dundee trilogy is up there with some of the real great ones, particularly when he goes to Los Angeles and get caught up in some wackiness. I haven't laughed that hard since I had my spleenectomy.

Happy Birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz

September 25, 1969   |   Catherine Zeta-Jones   |   actress
September 25, 1944   |   Michael Douglas   |   actor
Dear Mike & Cathy,

Holy crap, you guys got the same birthday! 25 years apart, but still, the same day. That's so freakin' awesome, you guys. Good for you! And good luck with all them new kids. Mike, you just keep getting Cathy preggers, huh? I want to give both of you a big hug. Mostly you, Cathy. Maybe when Mike's away on business or something. Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about.

Happy Birthday, you guys!


September 23, 1970   |   Ani Difranco   |   musician
Dear Ani,

Happy 33rd Birthday!

What’s a groovy hippie chick do to celebrate her birthday? Maybe you could write a song that would inspire my girlfriend to start shaving her legs again. Yecch.

Thanks a lot, Ani. I hope you’re happy with yourself. Bitch.

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

September 23, 1930   |   Ray Charles   |   musician
Dear Guy Who Reads Ray Charles’s Mail to Him:

Wish Ray a Happy 73rd Birthday, will you? Thanks. Now tell him that, as far as blind, black musicians go, he’s the best there is, except maybe for Stevie. I really dig “My Cherie Amour.” Hey, man, what’s it like reading the fan mail of a living legend? Do you get tired of it? At least you get to show up to work in sweat pants, right? I mean, Ray’s not gonna know any better. And you can just pick your nose if you want. Unless… you don’t think he’s been faking it all these years, do you?

Anyway, tell Ray “Happy Birthday.” Thanks.

Your pal,
Ray Stillman

September 21, 1959   |   Dave Coulier   |   actor
Dear Uncle Joey,

Happy 44th Birthday!

I swear, I had predicted you’d be the big star post-“Full House” and John Stamos would be sleeping in the gutter. Man, did I have that backwards.

Happy Birthday!


Josh Abraham

September 21, 1945   |   Jerry Bruckheimer   |   producer
Dear Jerry,

Happy 58th Birthday!

Bam! Kapow! Blammo! Rock’em Sock’em! Zing! Zowie! Asteroids! Plane crashes! Car chases! Bombs! Explosions! Train wrecks! Missiles! Jet fighters! Talking kangaroos! All that, and yet still your movies are rotten. Kaplooey!!


Happy Birthday,

Josh Abraham

September 15, 1946   |   Tommy Lee Jones   |   actor
Dear Tommy Lee,

Happy 57th Birthday! Dude, I watch my bootleg copy of "Whoops, Where's My Home Video?" starring you and Pammy gittin' it on every single night before I go to sleep. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen. It's like instant Zen. Pop that sucker in the VCR and whammo! I'm transported to immediate and unparalleled nirvana.

Happy Birthday, T.L. Keep on truckin'.

Josh Abraham

September 12, 1980   |   Yao Ming   |   basketballer
Dear Yao,

Happy 23rd Birthday!

Dude, what's the deal? Unless my stereotypes are crossed, I thought Asians were supposed to be a very small people. Are you sure you're Asian, Yao? Maybe you're half-Swedish, or half-black? Is that possible? You might even be both. I bet if you crossed a black guy and a Swedish woman, you'd get a really tall person who could pass for Asian. (A black woman and Swedish man, however, produce Mexicans.)

Also, what's the deal with your forehead? You look like a holdover from the Paleolithic Era. Humans don't look like that anymore. A mulatto caveman. Boy, Yao, you sure are a gosh-durned medical marvel. If it weren't for the basketball thing, you'd probably have a successful career with a touring carnival or circus sideshow. That'd probably be a blast.

Happy birthday, dude!

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

P.S. Endowment: "Asiatic" or "brotherman"?

September 12, 1973   |   Paul Walker   |   actor
Dear Paul,

Happy 30th Birthday!

Paul, I live in the Bronx so I see the impact you've had on the world. Now, most people might dismiss the importance of your not-so-critically acclaimed filmhouse masterpiece, The Fast and the Furious. I for one, am not one of them. Since you so deftly portrayed the inner struggle of Detective Somebody-or-Other opposite Vin Diesel (who really is an atrocious actor, by the way, but looks cool), the proliferation of Honda Civics pimped out with tinted windows, expensive rims, loud mufflers, and hot Spanish chicks has been unworldly. I mean, I never knew that with just $20,000 you could make a piece-of-shit car look like a much nicer piece-of-shit car. I guess its just plain math though, right, Paul?

Good luck with the DVD release of 2 Fast 2 Furious, although I think you should have fought harder with the studio to make it The Fasterer and the Furiouser. Keep on suckin'!

Happy Birthday

Yours truly,
Nick Jezarian

September 9, 1966   |   Adam Sandler   |   actor
Dear Sandler,

Abby dooby doooooo. Habby woooo.


September 9, 1980   |   Michelle Williams   |   actress
Dear Michelle Williams,
(not of Destiny's Child; of "Dawson's Creek"),

I'm so glad I got to see your breasts in "If These Walls Could Talk 2".

Happy Birthday.

Geoff Wolinetz

September 9, 1960   |   Hugh Grant   |   actor
Dear Mr. Grant,

Happy 43rd Birthday!

You know, it's the damnedest thing: as an American, I find girls with a British accent to be a huge, huge turn on -- strangely sophisticated and slightly naughty (Hurley, Beckinsale, Nigella, et al.). Yet when I see men speaking Brit, I find them to be vaguely pansy-ass and incredibly irritating (you, King George, Elton, et al.). Why do you think that is?

Happy Birthday!

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

September 8, 1979   |   Pink   |   songstress
Dear Pink,

Happy 24th Birthday!

Pink, why aren't you pink anymore? You know I don't handle change well. At first you were 100% pink, and I got that. Then, you were a pink-and-blonde blend, which was cool. Then brunette with pink highlights. Now, you're all browny-blacky and not pinky at all. This makes me sad. Sad, Pink, sad.


Your friend,
Ray Stillman

September 8, 1971   |   Henry Thomas   |   actor
Dear That Kid from E.T.,

Happy 32nd Birthday!

Way to go with that career, buddy. You should have done more booze and drugs during your formative years, and you'd be a huge star like Drew by now. Oh well. Better luck next time.

Happy Birthday!

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

September 8, 1971   |   Brooke Burke   |   wild girl
Dear Brooke,

Happy 32nd Birthday!

Two words for you, babe: "Wild on the Inside of My Pants." O.K., that's seven. So what?

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

September 4, 1981   |   Beyoncé Knowles   |   bootylicious
Dear Beyoncé,

Happy 22nd Birthday!

Well, it seems like you have it all, Beyoncé. You have a famous rapper boyfriend. A successful musical career, both group and solo. You are beautiful. Millions of men want you. Millions of women want to be you. You are young and popular. What else could there possibly be? Oh, yeah, of course-- The girl your dad kicked out of the group for conduct un-bootylicious of a Destiny's Child. Don't worry about me though. My salary at Chili's is more than enough to pay the rent, really. And it was nice to see you when you stopped in for a Diet Coke. Thanks for leaving that huge tip. Obviously net worth isn't proportional to tipping skills.

LeToya Luckett
former Destiny's Child
now Chili's employee of the month (July)

September 3, 1964   |   Charlie Sheen   |   hot shot
Dear Charlie,

Happy 38th Birthday!

For a child of privilege who spent the bulk of his youth blowing gigantic quantities of cash on hookers and drugs, you sure did O.K. for yourself! Damn, your wife is a hot piece of ass. I too have squandered my youth on drugs and hookers, but all I got to show for it a rap sheet as long as this nasty scar on my thigh. It's kind of a gnarly scar, I guess, but it's no Denise Richards. Well, good luck with your new sitcom, Chuckie.

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

September 3, 1964   |   Adam Curry   |   V.J.
Dear Adam,

Who's headbanging now, chump?

Josh Abraham

September 3, 1938   |   Eileen Brennan   |   actress
Dear Mrs. Peacock,

You were never pretty. In Murder by Death, you were at least O.K.-looking. Nothing spectacular, but still O.K. Now, you look like an old catcher's mitt. How are you only 65? You know botox is really fucking cheap and easy.

Happy Birthday.

Geoff Wolinetz

September 2, 1964   |   Keanu Reeves   |   the one
Dear Keanu,

Happy 39th Birthday, dude! To celebrate your special day, I think we should all get stoned and watch The Matrix on DVD. Also, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey is on TBS. They don't call it the Superstation for nothing! Today will be a great day. Yo, I've got the TV. You think you can bring the DVD and the weed? Spot on the couch for you, dude.

Happy Birthday, bro!

Alex Winter


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