Dear Christina Aguilera | Postmodern Irony Final Examination | Y.P.R.'s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004 | Al-Jazeera Coverage of Ozzfest 2004 | Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist | You're Invited to Rocco Schlomo's Bar Mitzvah | A Short Conversation with Hal Sparks about His “I Love the 80s” Appearances as We Wait for Our Drinks at a Los Angeles Starbucks | Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in:“Mary-Kate & Ashley Turn 18!” | Non-Chip-Related Letters I’ve Written to Chip Companies | Bovine Spongiform Encepholapathy SquarePants | Pitching to Cousin Graydon | Valentine Affairs of the Famous; as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets | Justin Timberlake's Acceptance Speech | Dear KTU | Axis of Weasel | If S.T.D.s Were People, I'd Be China | My Dinner with Bellucci and Bellow | Letters | Koufax! The Musical | “I Love the 80s!” by The Reagan Administration | From “The Amazing E-mail Letters of Dr. Maria Marinario and Dr. Humphrey Ichovitzsky” | David Foster Wallace and Gromit | William Shakespeare, da Bard | | On Values and Other Positions | Gygantopithecus Blackus or the Hunt for "Big Al" | Postcards from My Bed | The Nature of the Carolina Ghost Crab | Una Lettera Aperta Alla Gente Che Cerca "Piedi di Monica Bellucci" | Ask Professor Quark | Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt at the Seder | Birthday Cards to Celebrities | Almost | Submit | Happy Birthday, Today's Celebrity! | Three Short Stories | Interview with the World's Oldest Man: Ezekiel Houghton, Age 137 | Blood Drive | Belated Apologies to Girls I Have Known | The Tonight Symposium | Deleted Lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Speech at the Republican National Convention | My Keynote Address for Tonight’s Family Dinner | Tetherball with Grandma | Three Quick Ones | The As-Yet-Unaired Third ‘Swift Boat Veterans for Truth’ Advertisement | How to Protest the Republican National Convention without Giving Up Your Last Weekend at Your Friend’s Timeshare on Fire Island | How I Became a Kabbalist | How to Make the Most of This Desert Island Experience | I Was a Virgin Sex Doll | I Love You, “I Love the 90s,” but I’m Not in Love with You | My Anti-Depressant Diary | VH1’s “I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986” | My Muse Talks Back | I ♥ “I Love the [x]0s” | Interview: Robert Birnbaum | Next Time on “The Surreal Life”... | My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15th, 2004 | A Message from Franklin Nchita Ogbuewu, Nigeria’s Minister of Tourism | The Shard Phenomenon and Its Potential Application as a Come-on | If “I Love the 80s” Was Strictly about My Life | Assignation at the Tot Lot | Legends of My Fictional Baseball Team | The Old Lady Screamed | A Public Apology from The New York Post | Freudian Slip | Pee/Bee | Reasons Why a Bridge over Trouble Water Would Not Necessarily Ease My Mind | Why I'll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan | Nappy Days | The Gradual Decline of the “I Love the ...” Sidebars | The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation | Elizabeth Smart: The Christopher Monks Interview | An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled "How 2 Write Love Poems That Don't Suck," Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls | Who's the Pop Diva Queen Now, Bitch? | About the Authors | Some Fruit Salad | Ten 10s | Dear New York Times | A Postcard from Joan | Interview: James Lipton (Almost) | Mistakes I've Made | You’re Invited to Our Memorial Day BBQ Bash! | Dear Doctor Zizmor | Jay-Z's "Do Re Me" | Pen Pals | Giorno dello Sciocco di Aprile | Terms of Endearment | Why Do People Keep Telling Me I'm Racist and Stupid? | To the Chap Who Finds this Bottle-Enclosed Message | The Global Male | I'm a Red Hot Chili Pepper | Ransom-Note Writing Tips | Vh1 Acquires Michael Ian Black | VT Girl: Stowe | Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass! | Sports Origins | 1 ?: Todd Barry | Your Desk Is a Wonderland | Five-Second Theater Presents: "Play on Words" | Cha Cha Cha | Strip This! | What's New, Pussycat? | Stuff That Sounds Like Porn | Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy | This Page Intentionally Left Blank | A Junior-High School Student’s Essay on the Bicentennial Found in this Old History Textbook | A Miramax Development Executive's Notes on My Date Last Night | Contact. | A Postcard from Paris | It's All About the Sacagaweas | Dear Honorary Mayor of Hollywood | Jake Loves the 80s | April Birthdays | The Songwriter | Some Fruit Salad | "Lydia, the Tattooed Lady" / Stuffing à la Yankee Pot Roast | K.B.N. on Bridesmaids | The Roastee Responds | Commands My Dog Hasn't Yet Learned | What I Hope to Find in Hell | Dear New York Times 1 | Lemmings | Vermont Girl | Things I've Learned from the Internet | First and Last Paragraphs of a College-Admissions Essay that Didn't Get My Niece into Dartmouth Like She Wanted | The Great Gob in the Sky | Are We Having the Same Conversation? | Dear Lesotho | Daddy Left Me Alone with God | Man-in-the-Street Interviews | A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont | Lessons Learned from HBO | What I Hope to Find in Heaven | The Paris Film: Director's Commentary | Dear The Gap | You Call That Celebrity Prostitution? | Why I'll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association | A Short Film Rated 'R' | A TV-Commercial Script | Nunnery vs. Cathouse | Writers-on-Writing Month | Old-Timey Sales Pitch | The Scrolling Book Club | Dear Food Network | Dear Outback Steakhouse | A Conversation with England | Good Writing | Dear Starbucks | Why Won't Anybody Touch Me in My Special Place? | Writing Goodly | Wonka'ed | A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man | I Was a Teenage Snarkist | Coverage from a Hollywood Reader | Gotham: Four Very Short Spooky Plays | When You Said, "Insensitive Prick," Were You Talking to Me? | Dear Froot Loops | Cliffster Notes | A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup | Gin Rummy | Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors' Offspring | Helmets with Horns Are the Best Helmets | The Most Important Artist of Our Time | Thank You for Being So Understanding About That Partial Prefrontal Lobotomy | Winnie the Pooh and the Thug Life | K.B.N. on Engagement Rings | "Page Six" of Art Forum | Kill Bill, Volume II: Please Watch It | Springtime in the Ghetto | Fall Première Week: Reviews by a Stupid, Bitter Asshole | Dear AOL | March Birthdays | My Sitcom Pitch to a Guy in the Elevator Who I'm Pretty Sure Was NBC President Jeff Zucker Despite His Insistence on the Contrary | Daily Pieces, or, Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!) | Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute | More New Shows | Useful Phrases for the American in Paris | The Apology | Bea Arthur T-Shirt | Californication | K.B.N. 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Books: Travel | Infantile Nomenclature | Dear Oxford University | The Skin Project | Potty Humor | 1 ?: Neal Pollack | An Intervention... | Cinco de Disclaimer | The Persistance of Memory | Crappy Oscar Song That Is Not Clever but Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and Juxtaposition of Movie Titles | Columns | I Sooooo Need An Intern | Letter to Failure | How It Ended: My Last Four Relationships | Jobs | Three Big Boobs | Random Thoughts while Watching the “I Love the ...” Series on VH1 | My Site Meter's Best Friend | Where God Lies | Dear Heinz Ketchup | Soapbox | 1 ?: Jonathan Ames | Translation | ...If I Could Fly or Shoot Lasers from My Eyes | Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004 | Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence | Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned Before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family | Time Is on My Side; No, It's on My Side: The Intricacies of Daylight Saving Time | If I Had a Million Dollars | St. Pat's Facts | Choire Destroyed My Art Career | Interview: Suzanne Yeagley | Eat, Shoot, & Leave This!: Dear Lynn Truss | A Note from Ann Coulter Left on Neal's Pillow | Features | # 8 | 1 ?: Patton Oswalt | The Other 45 Ways to Leave Your Lover | Yankee Pot Roast Home | 13 Things You Can Do With That | A Rant on the Blizzard | Urban Dance | For Further Reading | Family Film Guide | Premières You May Have Missed | #9 Dream | July Birthdays | "Social" Studies, If You Know What I Mean | Hey That's My C(r)ab! | An AOL Chat | Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. 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Glass, Director, Smithsonian Museum of American History | Gross Anatomy | I’ve Got Your Memorial Day Sale Right Here! | ¡The Whole World Celebrates Cinco de Mayo! | Help | J.F.K. & J.F.K. | Acceptance Speech | Scenes from "C.S.I.: Podunk" | Cooking | VT Girl: Woodstock | “Buffy” and “Dawson’s” Farewells, What’s up with Them? | Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Ever | Poetic License | You're Firing Me? | Why I'll Never Be Published in The New Yorker | Re: Why Girls Can't Drive | Moby-Dick: A Whale's Story | Writing Well. | 'Snotwatch' by Heidi J. | Your First Time | Exports | Generic 60s Beach Sitcom | Why Ari Really Quit | More Valentine Affairs of the Famous; as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets | Are You Lonesome Tonight? | Writers-on-Writing Month | Not Suitable for All Ages | Dear Spam | Sally's Guide to Cleansing Your Corporate Soul | Oy Vey! | Y.P.R. 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Results: Column Contest | Dear Neal | I'm Sorry, What? | What Are We Giving Trick-or-Treaters at Our Door? | Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs | XL | Dear Sandra Bernhard | A Good Piece of 'S' | November Birthdays | Dear Regal Cinemas | Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me | Some Replies to "Where'd You Get That Shiner?" | Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latte (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State | The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung | Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize | August Birthdays | Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse | Rosh Hashanah Head Rush | Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind | Oscar Coverage 2003 | E-Mail to God | Dear Heinz Ketchup, pt. 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