these pants are too tight?
LITERARY TRICKERY

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March 4, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: YELLOW...       |       Happy Birthday, Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini!

ain't no thang!

A S K   P R O F E S S O R   Q U A R K

BY
JOSH ABRAHAM



ASK PROFESSOR QUARK
[Taken from Popular Science, May 1958]

Dear Professor Quark,
Do you believe there is life on other planets?
          - Timothy, Bakersfield, California

Well, Timothy, we do not know for sure if there are little green men in Outer Space, but one thing is certain: there will soon be big white men on the Moon! That's right, Timothy, by the year 1985, we Americans will be living in colonies on Earth's Moon! Within three generations, Moon-Humans will be super-strong due to the cumulative effects of Reverse-Gravity. That means a 10-year-old child would be able to lift a fully grown elephant above his head! But don't go lifting your parents' Television set just yet, Timothy -- you still have Earth's Gravity to deal with!


Professor Quark:
Is nuclear power dangerous?
          - Chip, Sioux City, Iowa

Heavens no, Chip! Nuclear Power is important in producing Radioactive Particles that can energize a light bulb, produce heat, launch a rocket-ship into space, and transmit Television programs to your very own living room! And that's not all -- Nuclear Power helps protect our planet, too! You see, it is believed that just above the Earth's "stratmosphere," there is a thick layer of Radioactive Gas that insulates our planet from the harmful Cosmic Rays of Black Holes that exist just beyond our Galaxy. These Cosmic Rays are very deadly and can cause horrible mutations to the human DNA including gigantism and electromagnetism -- just like the horrible monsters in the movie-pictures!


Dear Professor Quark,
Will robots one day perform all of our labor?
          - James, Hoboken, New Jersey

Well, James, Robots are already performing many of our tasks! The milk you drink is processed by Homogenizing/Pasteurizing Robots; the clothes you wear are knit by Mechanical Robo-Tailors; and the school bus you ride every morning was constructed by Mechanical Mechanics! Many of our Nation's leading businessmen keep the Robotic Industrial Revolution a tightly guarded secret for fear of the Soviets finding out and stealing our advanced Technology to construct their own evil Robotic armies that will serve their treacherous plans of World Domination. So, remember, James: Silence Saves Us From Soviets!


Dear Professor Quark,
Is it true that the sun will one day burn out?
          - Mary-Ann, Wilmington, Delaware

Silence Saves Us From Soviets, Mary-Ann! Silence!






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ícaramba!


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