K O U F A X ! T H E   M U S I C A L BY GEOFF WOLINETZ Sandy Koufax pitched 12 years with the Brooklyn/Los Angeles Dodgers, retiring after the 1966 season with a career record of 165-87 and a career ERA of 2.76. He was a six-time National League All-Star and captured two Cy Young Awards, two World Series MVPs, and one National League MVP. He is widely considered the greatest Jewish athlete in history. He is definitely NOT gay. This is his story. KOUFAX! (THE MUSICAL) ACT I Raise curtain. A young SANDY KOUFAX sits on the curb, throwing a ball in his mitt. A POLICEMAN walks by. POLICEMAN: Hello, Sandy. How's that arm of yours? KOUFAX: Just fine, sir. POLICEMAN: You going to pitch us to the championship this year? KOUFAX: I hope so, sir. POLICEMAN: Well, keep out of trouble. KOUFAX: I will, sir. POLICEMAN leaves. KOUFAX: That's all they ever say to me. Pitch us to the championship, Sandy. Stay out of trouble, Sandy. What if, well, what if I want to be... a dancer? Song: "I'm Wearing The Wrong Shoes"[Sung to a melody I made up in my head.] KOUFAX: All I ever hear about Are the don'ts and dos. If only I could tell them I'm wearing the wrong shoes. I can throw a baseball As if it's set on cruise. Just how can I tell them I'm wearing the wrong shoes? I wanna be a dancer Like tap, ballet or jazz And dance in a recital And show them all pizzazz A hop, a jump, a quick one-two Is hard inside these cleats. And all they want from Sandy Are undone baseball feats. There's something on the inside That says I just can't lose. So toss me two leg warmers And a pair of brand new shoes CURTAINS. ACT II Left side of the stage: 1965 World Series, Game 1. The L.A. Dodgers clubhouse is full, but there is a somber mood and a noticeably empty chair that reads "Koufax" on the back. Manager WALTER ALSTON, new starting pitcher DON DRYSDALE and owner WALTER O'MALLEY speak together downstage left. Right side of the stage: SANDY KOUFAX is in temple. He is wearing a yarmulke and tallis. O'MALLEY: Koufax is sitting today? ALSTON: Yes, sir. He is. Drysdale is going to pitch for us today. O'MALLEY: But he just pitched yesterday. DRYSDALE: I'm ready to go sir. KOUFAX: Baruch atta adonai ... O'MALLEY: We're counting on you until Koufax gets back, son. DRYSDALE: I know, sir. I'm a veteran also. ALSTON: Don's been with the team for 10 years. O'MALLEY: What the hell do I know? I'm nothing but an old fool who moved the team from the city that loved it just to make some more money. I'm going to go light a cigar with a $100 bill. Excuse me. KOUFAX: Adonai es hamvorach ... Song: "Canticle (A Jew's Defense)" [Sung to the tune of "Cabron" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.] DRYSDALE: I'll pitch my heart out For the beloved Dodger Blue I'll take it on the mound And strikeout Mr. Rod Carew I am tall and have it all I won the Cy Young too I am just like you KOUFAX: I see that he is playing But unlike that Rod Carew Just remember that I am a religious Jew I am small and throw a ball Today I sing "Baru'ch Hu" Cause God wants me too DRYSDALE: Tonight, I'm gonna go And throw all that I have at you Slider, curve, fastball And make you ground out into two I have balls and I'm a dog I'll throw the ball at you Cause that's what I do KOUFAX: Tomorrow I'll pitch And over everyone I'll tower But this is Yom Kippur And there's a bigger, higher power I know the songs, I sing along Now the Rabbi's through It's time for bagels and tuuuna DRYSDALE: Sandy likes God And I say that by me it's cool I'm a Protestant And we don't have those kinds of rules I'm not a Jew and I say "whew" I wear my Converse shoes And I love Yoo-Hoo KOUFAX: We're the Dodgers And we have a very strong bullpen If Drysdale needs it A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-men I'm a Jew, Don, not like you I have to go to shul Cause God wants me to What else can I do? CURTAINS. ACT III SANDY KOUFAX walks in stage left. JANE LEAVY, his biographer, accompanies him. The two walk slowly and with little endeavor. COLONEL PICKERING stands idly alongside KOUFAX. JANE: Now, Mr. Koufax... KOUFAX: Please, call me Sandy. JANE: OK, Sandy. What do you think was the best part of your game? KOUFAX: Simple. My ERA. Wouldn't you say, Pickering? PICKERING: Quite. JANE: And your favorite city? KOUFAX: I was born in Brooklyn, but I love L.A. JANE: To live? KOUFAX: To play. SERVANTS enter from both sides of the stage. Song: "You Played In L.A." [Sung to the tune of "The Rain In Spain" from My Fair Lady.] SERVANTS: Quit, Mr. Koufax Quit, Mr. Koufax Hear our plea Or payday we Will quit, Mr. Koufax A not I O not Ow Don't say "plow," say "play" KOUFAX: I played in L.A. with the lowest ERA. JANE: You played in L.A. with the lowest ERA. KOUFAX: Again JANE: You played in LA with the lowest ERA. KOUFAX: I think she's got it! I think she's got it! JANE: You played in LA with the lowest ERA. KOUFAX: By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it! Now once again, where did I play? JANE: L.A.! L.A.! KOUFAX: And what was low there in L.A? JANE: ERA! ERA! KOUFAX, JANE, PICKERING: You played in L.A. with the lowest ERA! You played in L.A. with the lowest ERA! KOUFAX: In Boston, Baltimore and Brooklyn? JANE: Bums hit home runs. How kind of you to let me come! KOUFAX: Now, once again, where did I play? JANE: L.A.! L.A.! KOUFAX: And what was so blasted low there in L.A.? JANE: ERA! ERA! KOUFAX, JANE, PICKERING: You played in L.A. with the lowest ERA! You played in L.A. with the lowest ERA! PICKERING: Good show, old boy! CURTAINS. THE END.

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