be gentle; first time
LITERARY BLARNEY

DAILY PIECE    |    FEATURES

G.W.'s FRUIT SALAD    |    LETTERS

BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

SUBMIT    |    KINDRED SPIRITS


March 17, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: YELLOW...       |       Happy Birthday, Rob Lowe!

and purple horseshoes!

A   S A L U T E   T O
S O M E   T H IN G S   I R I S H


BY
RAY STILLMAN


To Sanjay, the good man at me Dunkin Donuts! Ye serve me green-frosted donuts with li'l green sprinkles today! Letís drink Guinness till we vomit!

To Eugene, the liíl midget who hands out strip-club fliers on the corner of 44th and 8th! All year long yeíre just a smut-peddling wee one, but today, ye put on a green plastic hat and ye drew a sloppy four-leaf clover with a Sharpie on yer filthy T-shirt. Yeíre a leprechaun come to life! Erin go bragh, little one! Letís drink Harp till we upchuck!

To Lucky, the Lucky Charms mascot! Ye silly little corporate logo! Blue diamonds and purple horseshoes don't help... what ye need is a Trix Rabbit's foot fer good luck! Let's drink Caffrey's till we yack up our marshmallow treats!

To Hunter and Kelly and Jade! Ye're three o' me favorite shades o' green. Also, ye're three lovely lasses who get randy after a couple o' drinks. Top o' the mornin' to ye! Let's drink Baileyís Irish Creme till we regurgitate, then black out, and finally wake up in the beds o' regrettable strangers!

To Scotsmen and Welshmen everywhere! Iíve ignorantly mistaken ye for Irishmen time and again! Hell, yeíre all Micks to me! Letís drink Scotch till we hurl on our kilts!

To Southies in Boston! Itís not yer fault. Itís not yer fault. Itís not yer fault. Letís drink Killkenny till we toss our cookies, get into a bar brawl, and wake up in prison with one eye stitched closed!

To Doozers, homerun M&Ms, Budweiser frogs, Chia Pets, lime Jell-O shots, Newport Lights and Area 51 aliens! Yeíre all little, green, and magical! That makes ye Leprechauns in me book! Letís drink Jameson till we yuke on our shoes and pass out face-down in a puddle of other people's green vomit! Where's the magic now, eh?

To Kathy Irelandís 1992 cover oí Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue!

To me Zooropa CD!

To freckles!

Let's all drink gurgla hrreg till we argurahh largaa rabbaa harggghaaah...!

And most of all, to Officer McGinty, me favorite Irish stereotype! Ye walkin' the beat, swinging yer nightstick, whistliní... Ye're me favorite o' all Irish cartoons, more than that li'l guy who starts bar brawls, or the old boozehound with the red nose and jowls, or the big red lug, or the knuckles-rapping nun... Officer McGinty, I salute ye!

Let's drink till we need stomachs pumped, livers transplanted, and licenses revoked! Top o' the mornin'! Happy Saint Patrick's Day!





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