actually, that is how you shave a bear!
LITERARY SNICKER

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BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

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April 3, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: ORANGE?       |       Happy Birthday, Jane Goodall!

horse!

D O   N O T
S P I N D L E   O R   M U T I L A T E


BY
GEOFF WOLINETZ



Forceps.

I said, "Forceps."

Canít you for once just be a good nurse and give me something when I ask for it? Youíve seen "ER," right? You know how all of those pretend doctors get everything they need right away? Sometimes theyíll say, "Give me 10 CCs of morphine." You know what they get? 10 CCs of morphine. Itís a beautiful system they have working there. Try to make it like that.

Well, if you looked like Juliana Margulies, maybe Iíd pay you like her. For now, I need you to act like her. Do you think you can handle that?

Forceps.

Okay, come on. What do I need to do to get you to give me the forceps? Iím a doctor. Iím trying to perform delicate liver surgery in front of 40 people seeking instruction. Look up. There are future doctors up there, looking to me to provide them with guidance on how to conduct this surgery. Do you see Marcus? Heís the one picking his nose. He will never be a doctor. The other 39 will someday be doctors. What I need for you to do right now is hand me the forceps, so that I may provide these people some return on their medical school investment. I have one hand in this manís entrails and the other is waiting for some cool metal forceps to be placed in them. Give me the forceps.

Give me the forceps, please. Is that good enough? Why do you resist me? Do you not like me? Other than your demand for Juliana Margulies-level pay, do I not provide you with good medical care, free of charge? Was it not enough that I came to your house dressed as Santa Claus and provided your children with gifts and treats for the holiday season? What is it that Iíve done that would cause you to resist giving me forceps?

I shouldnít what? Yes, I know that the medical books say to not spindle or mutilate the liver. I am a doctor. I have performed this surgery countless times in front of better company than Marcus, who has now stopped picking his nose and started picking his ass. MARCUS! Down here! Yes, would you mind? Thanks.

Now, just give me the forceps, please, and Iíll go on. Yes, Iíll be sure not to spindle or mutilate. I am a medical doctor. I think I can handle you passing me the forceps with out dropping them into the--

Oops.

Um, backup forceps. Please.




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uno!


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