I C O U L D
S I M O N I Z E M Y C A R
THINGS THAT TAKE EQUAL OR LESS TIME THAN MY MOTHER'S HAIR APPOINTMENT ( 6 HOURS )
Kenya’s Robert Cheruiyot can run the Boston Marathon two and a half times.
[2003 championship time: 2 hours, 10 minutes, 11 seconds.]
The S.S. Minnow can take two tours, providing it doesn't wash ashore any desert isles.
[Tour: Three hours.]
My father can get his hair cut 13 times.
[Haircut: 27 minutes.]
The movie theater where they show strange movies in my neighborhood could screen Andrei Tarkofsky’s “Solyaris” twice.
[Running time: 165 minutes.]
I can cook 360 consecutive bowls of minute rice or one bowl of minute rice, one grain at a time.
[Cooking time: 60 seconds, you idiot.]
I can get drunk, sober up, and then get drunk all over again.
[5 hours, 57 minutes, 32 seconds.]
- The characters of “Three’s Company” can have 12 wacky, episodic misadventures based on some sort of miscommunication with hysterical, sexually-charged consequences.
[Each episode: 30 minutes, including commercial breaks.]
- I can learn how to play the guitar by reading a book called “Learn How To Play The Guitar in 6 Hours.”
[5 hours, 46 minutes, 24 seconds; I’m a quick reader and have a pretty good ear.]
- At the quickest I've ever done it, I can drive from Binghamton, New York, to Rockland an exit short of three times.
[Record: 2 hours, 7 minutes (not counting a fast-food break).]
- At the quickest I've ever done it, I can have sex 722 times.
[Record: 27 seconds (not counting a smoke).]
O.K., SOME THINGS I CAN DO IN LESS TIME THAN MY AFOREMENTIONED 27-SECOND CONCERTO
- Turn off any song by 50 Cent.
- Consume an entire bottle of Mrs. Butterworth.
- Sort a snack-size bag of M&Ms by color.
- Get tossed out of Rite-Aid for inappropriately massaging the stuffed animals in aisle 5.
- Slip the leftovers of mom's "tuna surprise" to the dog.
- Get my cousin Alfred to start a rant on why anyone with his name should be a butler and why he's upset that he isn't one.
- Name that tune in five notes.
- Line up my military figurines in alphabetical order by the first names that I gave them.
- Fill my mouth with 27 grapes.
- Get that pretty girl at the bar to slap me on both cheeks.