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BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

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April 28, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: YELLOW.       |       Happy Birthday, Penťlope Cruz!

[ * Urgent, Late-Breaking News: Y.P.R.'s very own Geoff Wolinetz will be tending bar at Tin Lizzy, [1647 Second Avenue, between 85th and 86th Streets] on Thursday, May 1st, 2003, beginning at 8 P.M. and continuing until he is forcibly removed from the premises by Greasy Lou, Tin Lizzy's big, surly bouncer. If you are in the New York City area, it is greatly recommended that you come and drink alcohol, served fresh by Geoff. To whet your appetite, go read Geoff's newest Fruit Salad. * ]

{ * Also, if so inclined, one can visit the swell folks over at Haypenny and, while there, check out a piece written by Y.P.R.'s very own Josh Abraham. * ]

{ * And that's that. * ]

YPR Crockpot, which will lead you home as well.

J A Y - Z ' S
" D O   R E   M E "


WITH ANNOTATIONS BY
NICK JEZARIAN



D'oh -- it ainít a motherfuckin' deer, itís something
Homer says when he runs out of beer
Rhymes with queer, jiggaman [1] rockin' phat beats in your ear

Re Ė the light I shine on your broke ass
With my ice laced wrist [2], corona with a twist
Twisting bitches like ya sista, when H.O.V.A. [3]
leaves they blow kisses

Me Ė it ainít a name I call myself, itís a Chinese restaurant
Iím just out for delf [4], I got more names to call myself,
That me is a name that yíall talk about,
That two-letter shit donít have enough clout
For what Iím about. Iím the highness, the king of ROCAFELLA [5],
You all fucked up looking like a French Krellah [6]

Fah Ė I agree with that Ho, Fah is a long way to run
To get my gun
And shoot my gat in the air for fun, people look and
pray to Shawn Carter [7] like Aztec fools prayed to
the sun[8]
Fah, fah away was a dope movie
All I want for Christmas is a UZI and a Jacuzzi filled
with Floozies [9]

Sew Ė the doctors gonna need to do that when I fill
your body full of lead
Jiggaman makes it so easy, Iíll even give you platinum
thread to patch your bullet holes on the rizzzy [10]

La Ė la bouche, la rouche, crunchy cheez doodles, la floof LALALALA layla, Iím just a playa
LA Ė the other coast, I eat toast [11]

Tea Ė I move more tea [12] than the party in Boston
Iím flossin, take two lumps and get jumped
T, a letter in the alphabet
WHAT?!?!? [13]





Footnotes:

1. An alias Jay-Z calls himself. It refers to his proficiency at jigsaw puzzles.

2. Jay-Z doesnít really have ice on his wrist. Heís not Iceman, he is simply referring to the 5,000 carats in diamonds on his Swiss Army Watch.

3. H.O.V.A is another Jay-Z alias which implies his Nova Scotian background, except with an H to throw people off.

4. Delf is slang for "self."

5. Rocafella is Jay-Zís land of make believe, an idea inspired by Jay-Zís addiction to "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood."

6. Prounced KREL-AH, Jay-Z makes a clever play on the once popular donut, the French cruller

7. Jay-Z's birth name.

8. Jay-Z feels that Aztecs were fools because they didnít carry .9mm on their persons to protect themselves from Imperial invaders

9. Jay-Z doesnít really want an Uzi, but it rhymes well.

10. Jay-Z is a philanthropist who offers his victims only the best treatment after he blasts their asses with one of his many guns. The police have been unable to figure out how many murders Jay-Z has actually committed but according to his songs, his body count rivals the population of Muncie, Indiana.

11. Everyone contacted had no idea what Jay-Z was talking about here. May God have mercy on his soul.

12. Tea refers to marijuana. According to his publicist, Jay-Z only rolls phat-ass blunts for medicinal purposes.

13. No one has any idea whether Jay-Z is asking a question or making a statement. Silly rapper.




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