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BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

SUBMIT    |    KINDRED SPIRITS


May 6, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: Jell-O       |       Happy Birthday, Bob Seger!

[ * Well, if ya missed it yesterday, there's some stale cerveza waiting for you. Go read Cinco de Mayo! * ]

This is a crude drawing of a crockpot, decorated in red and white stripes and white stars on blue, similar to an Uncle Sam-style hat.

P R E - N A T A L
H O O P   D R E A M S


BY
NICK JEZARIAN



My God, look at the size of this kidís feet. Heís gonna be a monster. What do you mean how can I tell? Just look at them. We have to get this kid into Pete Newellís Big Man camp ASAP. Pete Newellís, he coaches all the best NBA centers in the summer. Out in Hawaii. Oh, our boy will love Hawaii, just look at him.

Honey, honey, donít worry, Pete Newellís Big Man Camp accepts young people too. No, no, heís not too young. Youíre crazy. Not quite as crazy as when you thought I was going to really stab you with that steak knife. I know. Youíre right, I did chase you around the house. Yes, I suppose I was relentless. But you spilled A-1 on yourself. I was kidding; I wasnít really going to cut you like a steak. Oh, come on, I just said that.

Bygones, honey, bygones. Look at this kid. Thatís my boy, youíre my boy! He can hear me just fine, heís not deaf.

Hey, doc, you know LeBron James went straight to the pros from high school? Yeah, theyíve been recruiting him supposedly since he was in 7th or 8th grade. My boy? Heís gonna sign a deal in the next few weeks. Iím not crazy doc, and you should watch what comes out of your jaw box over there. Iím payiní your bills remember.

Honey, look at the size of his head! Heís gonna be a seven-footer for sure. This will be wonderful. I have calls into Coach K, the Syracuse cue ball, whatís his name? Boeheim -- thatís it, thanks Doc -- and I put in a call to the NBA to to see what his chances are for the draft.

Nice spin, baby, yeah! Thatís my motherfucking son. Youíre right honey, Iíll watch my language, not in front of the lad. But you know heís going to learn it traveling from city to city? Heís going to be a young millionaire. He might even sow some oats if you know what I mean. Ouch! Ok, weíll teach him right from wrong sure.

His arms look long. Wonderful, wonderful. I wonder if I should look into West Coast schools for him too? Oh what am I talking about, letís just convince him to go straight to the pros. Heís going to be huge with a capital U, UGE! You like that one, doc? I made it up myself. Be careful or Iíll make him dunk on your MD ass.

Honey, you say its just a sonogram but thatís my son. Heís gonna be a pro player. Oh come now, Iím not being ridiculous. What? 5í5Ē Jewish kids canít make the pros? So I married an anti-Semite? Oh please, I wasnít trying to stick a basketball in your private place for no reason honey? Yeah, I read that the earlier they start holding a ball, the better. In the crib, no, that would have been too late.

Hey Doc, I bet youíve never even seen a left hand like that? My sonís going to the NBA. UCLA! Thatís where Iím sending him, the pros can wait. Honey, Iíll be right back, Iím going to call UCLA. What? Security? Get your hands off me. Doc, DOC!

Ok, honey, Iíll see you at home, I have plans to make.




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