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May 21, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: Orange? Again?       |       Happy Birthday, Mr. T!

[ * Yankee Pot Roast has returned, albeit with a vicious hangover. Enjoy today's daily piece, and stay tuned... big, sweeping changes are in the works. Very, very soon... * ]

Jeepers!

T E N   1 0 s

BY
Yunter P. Rhompson




10 Things I Hate About 10 Things I Hate About You

1. Julia Stiles won't return my calls.

2. Heath Ledger.

3. 10 Things I Hate About Jews? Ouch. That's just uncalled for.

4. Julia Stiles's lawyers had the restraining order bumped up to 50 yards.

5. Every time I hear the title, I can't get the lyrics to Ugly Kid Joe's "I Hate Everything About You" out of my head.

6. Heath Ledger.

7. Insipid storyline, weakly written characters, laughably bad dialogue, gaping plot holes, and Julia Stiles doesn't even get naked.

8. Larry Miller's role of "Dad," clearly derivative of Dan Hedaya's role of "Dad" in Clueless.

9. Starts with an "H." Ends with an "Edger."

10. Cheap cameo by Letters to Cleo should have instead been a cheap cameo by Julia Stiles's bosom.

Top 10 Top 10 Lists From "The Late Show with David Letterman"

One. Top 10 Regises

Two. Top 10 Creepy Things about Paul

Three. Top 10 Local Immigrant Merchants Befriended by Dave

Four. Top 10 Tired, Stale Bits This Show Will Never Retire

Five. Top 10 Even Creepier Things about Paul, Now That You've Had Some Time to Really Think about It

Six. Top 10 Potatoes and/or Yams That Look Like Calvert DeForest (ne Larry "Bud" Melman)

Seven. Top 10 Grimaces Dave Can Make

Eight. Top 10 Obsessive-Compulsive Quirks of the Harvard Drop-Outs We Call Our Writers

Nine. Top 10 Reasons Why Leno Sucks My Ass. Ha, ha, how'bout that, Paul? Ya hear what I said? Leno sucks my ass. Ha! Wheee! Whoa. Whew. Hiya! You kids like the rock and roll?

Ten. Top 10 Cosmic Ironies About Mass America Tuning In Each and Every Night of Their Sad, Lonely, Little Lives to Watch Their Idols Hawk Clips from Their Latest Product Offering While Feigning Sincere Enthusiasm and Remarking, "Brr! It's Chilly In Here, Dave!" as Big Dave Leers at the Young Starlets Like a Lecherous Old Coot

10 Facts Revealed in the Special Edition DVD of 10

i. Dudley Moore nearly walked off the set when director Blake Edwards told him only Bo Derek would get to wear braids.

ii. Ravel's "Bolero" was a last minute insertion when the rights to E.L.O.'s "Mr. Blue Sky" fell through.

iii.Bo Derek's stunt double was Shelley Winters.

iv. Dudley is really only a 9.2.

v. Others considered for the male lead: Wilt Chamberlain, Marcello Mastroianni, Sammy Davis, Jr., Mike Schmidt, Jerry Mathers and Nipsey Russell.

vi. Dudley Moore's nude scene was cut, after test audiences asserted that it was "as painful as hot needles through the eyes."

vii. Brain Dennehy insisted that his trailer be filled with exactly four gross of Hershey Bars at all times.

viii. Working title, "Bo Knows Sex," scrapped when Bo Diddley threatened to sue Bo Jackson.

ix. Off set, director Blake Edwards referred to Julie Andrews as "that Poppins bitch."

x. Originally written as a vehicle for Buddy Hackett.

10 Headlines From 1010 WINS

a. Volcanic Eruption of Mt. Fudge; Thousands Die Tasty Death

b. Detergant Tanker Sinks in Detroit River; Flashflood Blasts City, Leaving Sparkling-Clean Wake

c. Earth on Collision Course with Giant Ball of Jell-O; Scientists Predict "Big Bounce"

d. Magician David Copperfield Unable to Make Paris Re-appear

e. Tequiza Tsunami Soaks Tijuana

f. Meteor Lands Exactly Dead-Center in Existing Crater

g. Crapstorm Hits Wyoming; Charmin Sales Skyrocket

h. Wildfire Burns Midwest Marijuana Field; Three States High on Fumes

i. Anna Nicole Smith Explodes

j. All World's Nations Totally Fucked Up

10 Ways To Spend $10

Eine. Get a handshake from the world's priciest hooker.

Zwei. Log on to eBay and buy some of Gary Coleman's stuff.

Drei. 200 pieces of Bazooka gum. Yum!

Vier. Stick it in your pants, stand on the corner of a busy intersection, and scream, "I've got ten dollars in my pants." See what happens next.

Fnf. Support one of Sally Struthers's Third World children for 21 days. Or support yourself with just 1 tasty McDonald's Extra-Value Meals! Mmmm! So tasty!

Sechs. Give me ten dollars. Seriously. Give it.

Sieben. See what your little brother will eat for ten bucks. Earthworms are usually a safe bet.

Acht. Taunt the hoboes.

Neun. Invest in a Web site that's surely destined to make money hand over fist.

10. Bribe a cop.

10 Secrets About Pope Pius X

Un. Kept a bottle of Jack Daniels in that big papal hat of his.

Due. Given name: Eddie.

Tre. Not all that pious, really.

Quattro. Popemobile was in his pants, if you know what I mean.

Cinque. Would routinely walk into his conclave of Cardinals demanding "ass, gas, or grass."

Sei. Once bestowed sainthood upon an egg-white omelette.

Sette. Was an expert at trick shot billiards, often hustling locals on his papal visits around the world.

Otto. Had a third nipple. Called it his "Holy Roman Empire."

Nove. Assigned January 17th as "Saint Bonnie Day," in honor of Bonnie Franklin.

Dieci. Could jam 32 grapes into his mouth at once.

It's 10 P.M. Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

1:00. With my baby's momma, the biyatch.

2:00. In bed, sleeping like little angels... are those pillows under the blankets?!?

3:00. Sexin' up the babysitter.

4:00. Scrubbing the fireplace clean while her three wicked stepsisters cavort about town.

5:00. Out earnin' their keep, the little ingrates.

6:00. My children? I ain't got no kids. Oh wait, children, yeah... Eh, they're home alone, asleep, I guess, while I get liquored up at the titty bar. Why do you ask, Social-Worker Lady?

7:00. Like all good American ten-year-old boys, they're reading porn by flashlight under the covers.

8:00. They're under my bed next to the Nikes. Oh you said KIDS? Oh, I don't know.

9:00. I told that little sumbitch to be back here by ten! I don't know where the hell he is? Do you?

10:00. I've never told you this, but... I am your father.

10 B-Sides and Bonus Tracks to Pearl Jam's "Ten"

uno. "Nirvana Takes It in the Rear"

dos. "I Dare You To Play This Non-Video, You Corporate MTV Jack-offs"

tres. "This Weather Blows (The Seattle Song)"

cuatro. "Are You Going to Finish That Sandwich?"

cinco. "I Am Darth Vedder"

seis. "Die, Ticketmaster Whores"

siete. "Don't Bogart That Heroin, Smacky"

ocho. "Mike, Stone, & Jeff's 9-Minute Instrumental While Eddie's Puking in the Toilet"

nueve. "F Soundgarden!"

diez. "Mulba Ruo Yub"

10 Bens

1. Folds

2. Franklin

3. Affleck

4. -nie and the Jets

5. -ny Hill

6. Kenobi

7. -jamin Bratt

8. Dover

9. -ihana

10. Brian Ben-

10 Things That Are 11

won. My cousin Jeremy.

two. This bottle of Infernal Fires of Hades brand Hot Sauce. Taste it, I dare you. Go on, taste it.

tree. Fingers in a handshake between Ann Boelyn and Henry VIII.

for. The luckiest order of a 9-piece Chicken McNuggets EVER!

jive. The number of strokes that it takes for me to get in Hole 6 at Buster's Mini Golf in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

sex. Kriss Kross's "Jump," Sister Act, Windows 3.1, my 1992 calendar still hanging on the wall.

sever. Inches of my manhood, baby. Ha, ha... no, I'm lying.

ate. Huxtable kids* + Keaton kids + Brady kids** - Partridge kids + Macelli kids.
* not counting granddaughter Olivia
** nor cousin Oliver

mine. This list if we can come up with two more things that don't suck.

tin. Nope. Sorry.




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