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May 30, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: Powder Blue.       |       Happy Birthday, Ted McGinley!

Jeepers!

W H Y   A R I
R E A L L Y   Q U I T


BY
NICK JEZARIAN



AF: Mr. President, Iím not sure you have the correct use of the word.

GB: Whoís the president, Ari Atari?

AF: With all due respectÖ

GB: Respect or not, whoís the tax-package-proposing, Texas-big-swinging-dick, ride-or-die President of the United States?

AF: Do I really have to answer this, Sir?

GB: You want me on that wall; you need me on that wall!

AF: All right already, all right. No more Nicholson quotes, please. A Texan doing Nicholson is like listening to Andrew Dice Clay woo Rapunzel.

GB: Rapunzel, thatís that Gwyneth Paltrow-looking long-haired nursery rhyme chick, right?

AF: Sort of, Mr. President

GB: Whatís that you said Ariola?

AF: I said ĎSort of, Mr. President,í Mr. President.

GB: Thatís right Ari. I am the motherhonkiní President. You see me land that jet last week?

AF: I believe it was more like you landed in a jet, not landed it yourself.

GB: Whatchu talking bout, Willis?

AF: Thatís like saying you drove the roller coaster.

GB: I did that too.

AF: Oy vey-

GB: Whatís that mean, Ari Safari?

AF: Itís Yiddish, itís similar to when you say Ďoh brotherí.

GB: Who, Jeb?

AF: Never mind, sir. Letís get back to the task at hand.

GB: Right, the speech. Now I was thinking I could just always resort to the whole Ďat least I donít fellate, heh, heh, I mean relate with my internsí.

AF: ...and this is the problem, Sir. I think you do want to relate with your interns; that would be a good thing. What you want to say is ĎAt least I donít have relations with my interns.í

GB: Ö.

AF: Yes, Mr. President.

GB: Then the joke doesnít make any sense. I canít say, ĎAt least I donít have fellations -- I mean relations.í It sounds stupid.

AF: WellÖ.

GB: Listen Ari-a 51, the President needs to show the public a little humor, you know?

AF: You are actually planning on making that joke in public?

GB: In public? Hell, Iím going to do it on national TV. Ah, I said ĎHellí -- now I said it twice! Two bucks in the swear jar!

AF: Iím at a loss, sir.

GB: Hey Ari, are you Jewish?

AF: Is that relevant?

GB: Whoís the President? Howís that for relevance?

AF: I think I might hate you sir.

GB: Donít hate the player, hate the game.

AF: I hate both, sir.

GB: Oh Ari, so sorry. Tee hee.

AF: Thatís it, I quit.

GB: Really?

AF: Really.

GB: Can you get me my chicken potpie first?




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