[ * Attack of the 50-Foot Blog Women
It seems that boys are not the only idiots who write nonsense on the Internet. No, there are many wondeful women who are producing some top-notch stuff out there. Y.P.R. recommends its readers spend some quality time with each of these fine blogs (or, at least, bloggish things) that belong to some ladies who've captured Y.P.R.'s collective heart. (And, hey, send an e-mail to let Y.P.R. know who/what else is out there.) To start, there's 30onething-chick Ari's slighly embellished Ari Goes Down; also, lovable Lisa Grover's I Love Lisa; America's Sw**th**rt Lindsay Robertson's brand-spankin'-new Lindsayism; zulktastic Claire Zulkey's Zulkey.com; and lastly, but not leastly, Teresa DiFalco's obtusely named site, Teresa DiFalco.
You'll thank us for introducing you to these lovely ladies.
You're welcome. Enjoy. * ]
Look, I know this is your first time at this. I understand. It’s not easy. But all I’m asking is for you to try harder. Put some zeal into it. Some oomph. Some gusto, some fervor. Enthusiasm. Passion. Pride. That’s it, it’s pride. Forget all those other things. It’s the pride.
I mean look at that guy across the street. He’s doing the same job you’re doing. Where’s his pride? Nowhere. Nowhere to be found. He left his pride home in his other pants. That is a prideless man. And that’s why everybody’s just walking right past him. Look – you see how everybody just walks right past him? There. See? There, that fat lady, she didn’t look twice. There’s a man giving out pizza flyers on the corner – a man dressed as a giant pepperoni, mind you – and this fat lady who probably craves nothing more than a pepperoni pizza walked right past him.
Now look at the guy down the block. There’s a man with pride in his job. Also, the gusto and zeal, et cetera. Every “Rolando’s Haircuts” flyer he gives out, he gives with confidence. Look at how he smacks his ready flyer against the stack, waves it twice – across and back – in front of each passerby. That’s what we’re looking for. Be like the “Rolando’s Haircuts” guy.
Okay, do you think you’re ready? Let’s go. Come with me now, I’ve got the stack, hot off the presses… now, watch me…. See? That man just took my flyer! Yes! I’m awesome! I rock! That guy with the comb-over and the shitty jacket, he took my flyer that I waved in his face like a goddamn champion! I am the best motherfuckin’ flyer-giver-outer on this whole fucking street. Watch out, “Rolando’s Haircuts,” you ain’t got nothin’ on me. Ha, ha. Okay, okay, now you go…
Hmmm. That was okay… but there’s still plenty of room for improvement. Also, you might be putting off people by holding the stack glossy side out. Keep it a surprise; have the printed side toward you, concealed, hug it to your bosom. Then when a passerby approaches – wham-o! Here’s a flyer in your face, pal. Ha! Boo-yah!
Better! Hey, you’re getting the hang of it! That was good. Very good. But remember: pride. You represent Spank’s with every flyer you give out. In fact, one might say Spank’s entire business future rests on your shoulders. I know that’s a big responsibility, but every glossy ad you hand out is one more customer in Spank’s, thus securing the future of the club, and your own job. You might look at this flyer and see just two naked women and a Shetland pony crammed into a shower, but it is so much more. This flyer is the future, buddy. The future.
You get me?
No lo comprende, señor.
Excellent. That’s the kind of passion I’m talking about! You’re a Spank’s kind of guy! I’ll be back in an hour. Good luck, brave flyer-man. Fly high.
© MMIII, Yankee Pot Roast Light & Magic