serenity now!
LITERARY STALEMATE

DAILY PIECES   |   FEATURES   |    LETTERS

FRUIT SALAD   |   GUFF   |   W.U.W.T.?

BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

SOAPBOX   |   FOR FURTHER READING


July 24, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: Pabst.       |       Happy Birthday, J. Lo!

[ * Some new blogs y'all should learn to love: First up, the wonderful Alexandra Kleeman's Technicolor.org is part of your complete breakfast. For a sensible lunch, chow down on For No Obviously Apparent Obsessive-Compulsive Reason, a collective blog by a bunch of lunatics. Stand-up comic Dave Rubin's Rubinville offers a healthy, hearty dinner. Lastly, Y.P.R.'s very own Geoff Wolinetz has way too much time on his hands and thus offers a nightcap in the way of SeŮor Wences Goes to Town. * ]

[ * Have you read (parenthetical note) lately? You should for two reasons: 1. Because it's (pnote) and (pnote) rocks the house. 2. Because today, Y.P.R.'s Josh Abraham has a piece on (pnote) entitled Some Things I Will Try to Cleverly Work into Flirtatious Conversation, Should I Ever Get the Chance to Speak with Beyoncť Knowles. * ]

[ * Enjoy. * ]

fascinating!

D I A L O G U E   F R O M
D E L E T E D   S C E N E S   O F
P I R A T E S   O F  T H E
C A R I B B E A N :
T H E   C U R S E   O F
T H E   B L A C K   P E A R L


BY
Y. P. Arrrr.



Yarr matey, behold: the good ship Epcot.


Avast, be that Lizzie McGuire in the distance?


Ahoy! Land ho! Letís loot and pillage like the pirates we be! And then let's rape the fair maidens. If we have no time for looting and pillaging, let's skip right to the raping of fair maidens. If there be no fair maidens, we'll take foul maidens. I hate this fucking boat.


Matey: Arr, what lovely mascara you're wearing Cap'n Jack. It really brings out the color of yer eyes.

Capín: Aw, thanks, ye scurvy dog. I didn't think ye'd notice.

Matey: Arr, I didn't want to say anything. I thought it would be awkward.

(Long, long pause.)

Capín: Um, arr, is that land I see?

Matey: Ahoy! Land ho!


Good Capín: Halt, ye that approach! State yer business... Arrr! If it isnít Capín Pegleg Hookbeard, me old Capín, what I mutinyíed and stole his boat!

Bad Capín: Aye, ítis me, yer most hated foe. íTis a small world, Capín.

Good Capín: Aye, ítis a world of laughter, a world of tearsÖ


Yarr, there be dangerous water ahead: first we must sail through the straights of Thunder Mountain, then onto the isle of the Country Bears, then into ye old Gift Shoppe, and then Tomorrowland ho! Yarr, this corporate marketing gets me pantaloons in a twist.


Splash Mountain? But I haven't put on me swimwear. Bríer Rabbit, me sworn old enemy, ye haven't seen the last of me!


Capín: Yarr! Avast! Yarr! Ye reckon it's the scurvy or the rickets that makes us pirate-folk talk so dumb?

Matey: Methinks ítis the syphillis, Capín.

Capín: Aye. ítis the syphilis.


Ye have the nerve to slap me, foul wench? Listen, I know this may seem kind of out of place but, um, I really like you. I think you are very pretty, the way yer bosom heaves just so from your bodice and yer eyes are all twinkly-like. I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime. I mean, you don't have to answer now. Think about it but, um, I think we'd have a good time. Uh, yaarrrr.


Yo ho ho! A bottle oí rum. Have ye any cola? Preferably Coke. The Capín donít like the Pepsi. íTis too sweet.


Yaarr, we be released by Touchstone Pictures. That ďNemoĒ havenít got a chance.


Matey: Yarr! A ship! Letís attack!

Capín: No, matey. That thar's a Big Red Boat. Let her be.

Matey: Aye, she's beautiful.

Capín: And cost-effective while providing a fun, family-friendly vacation. Call yer travel agent. Arrr.

Matey: Cap'n?

Capín: Aye, Disney owns the rights to me first born son.






MORE BRILLIANT
DAILY PIECES
RIGHT THIS WAY...



Snarky!


ABOUT THE AUTHORS    |    ABOUT Y.P.R.

CONTACT    |    HELP    |    STAFF    |    JOBS

KINDRED SPIRITS    |    EXPORTS    |    LINKS

SUBSCRIBE    |    SUPPORT    |    SUBMIT    |    SHOP

A NOTE ABOUT THE TYPE    |    RECIPE FOR YANKEE POT ROAST

SUGGESTIONS FOR READING AND ENJOYING YANKEE POT ROAST

A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER, ZEN-LIKE IN ITS INFINITE POSSIBILITY

© MMIII, Yankeepot Roasted Chitlins