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August 12, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: McSweeney.       |       Happy Birthday, Casey Affleck!

[ * Put on your thinking caps, YPRketeers! We're holding a
C O N T E S T   C O N T E S T ! * ]

[ * Geoff Wolinetz tries his hand at legitimate journalism over at Flak with A Matter of Respect. Read it. * ]

[ * If you're looking for
McSweeney's Pretentious Horseshit,
it's right beneath the underscored aqua hyperlink. * ]

[ * Enjoy. * ]

fascinating!

W A T C H U   T A L K I N í   í B O U T ,
C A L I ?


BY
GARY COLEMAN



Watchu talkiní íbout Sacramento? Watchu talkiní íbout Anaheim? Watchu talkiní íbout Golden Gate Bridge? Ha, ha, ha. Hi folks. Iím Gary Coleman, and Iíd like to tell yíall why Iím the man for governor of this great state of California. Watchu talkiní íbout illegal Mexican immigrants?

My involvement in politics dates back to 1984 when I assisted First Lady Nancy Reagan with her ďJust Say NoĒ program. Plus, I have a great background in law enforcement with my security-guard gig. Watchu talkiní íbout, Barstow?

As governor, I will be tough on crime. I will have no tolerance for bad guys.None. I used to be on Mr. Tís squad of crime-fighting gymnastics students who thwarted or foiled a criminal mastermind every weekend, 13 weeks a year, for 2 seasons. Not just the Saturday-morning cartoon series, Iím talkiní íbout the real crime-fighting heroes that inspired the show. I knew those guys that did the voices. I was in the Official Mr. T Fan Club. Also, one time, I got to visit David Hasselhoff on the set of ďKnight Rider,Ē so I know all about how to stop drug smuggling. So, my stance on crime is: Iím a little guy but Iím tough on crime. As for criminal perverts, well, there was that time that creepy old astronaut guy tried to kidnap Kimberly and do bad things to her. And also, when Gordon Jump, the bicycle guy, tried to do that to Dudley. So, you know, Iím totally against criminal perverts. Also, remember when Sam, my redheaded white stepbrother got kidnapped? I didnít like that. So Iím against kidnapping, too.

I have experience with many hot-button issues relevant to all Californians. Like one time, I had to loan Todd Bridges 400 bucks when he got picked up on weapons possession. And another time, I had to give him 1000 dollars or else this drug dealer named Enrique was going to cut off his ear. So, not only am I seasoned in gun control and the war on drugs, but since I had to borrow the loot for Todd from Miss Parker, my landlady, and pay back my landlady by borrowing from Kenny, my old boss at J.C. Pennyís, and finally pay back Kenny by helping Todd knock over a liquor store, I think Iíd have a good grip on working out a budget to handle the stateís fiscal crisis. Also, the irony of ultimately having to rob a liquor store to repay a series of debts incurred by other felonies isn't lost on me. Gary Coleman: tough on crime, can handle the money thing, irony isnít lost on me.

In fact, I personally know what itís like to be in a budget crunch. Recently, the repossession of my Honda Civic forced me to sell all my possessions on eBay. If the state needs money, I think we can auction off the parks and bridges and zoos on the Internet. I bet the San Diego Zoo would fetch millions. We can break it up and sell the animals individually. My friend Mr. T would probably pay a million just for a panda. Plus, I heard that one panda bear there is pregnant, so youíd be getting maybe 3 or 4 pandas for the price of one, which is a super bargain. I donít really know how many baby pandas are born in a litter. It might be like 20. 20 panda bears for the price of one! Pandas are so cute. And I know cute; Iím TVís lovable Arnold Jackson!

Watchu talkiní íbout, San Andreas fault line?

Ultimately, Iím a man of the people. I think all peoples of the world can relate to me: black peoples because Iím black. White people because I was raised by a rich old white man. Rich people because I used to be rich. Poor people because I am now poor. Iíve got this stunted growth thing, so maybe handicapped people can relate to me. And though Iím extremely tiny for a black man, Iím only a couple inches shorter than average for a Mexican or Chinese guy, so perhaps those groups can relate to me as well.

When it comes down to it, folks, I think youíll all admit that you love me. Everybody loves me. Iím adorable! Iíd be the cutest governor ever. The only people who do not like me are Webster and the jerks at Discover Card. And they'll get theirs when I'm governor.

Watchu talkiní íbout, L.A. Lakers? Watchu talkiní íbout, í49ers? Watchu talkiní íbout, Disneyland? Thatís right: Youíre all talkiní bout Gary Coleman for Governor.






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