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August 27, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: Hungry.       |       Happy Birthday, Pee-wee Herman!

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Y.P.R.'s coverage of the Californian gubernatorial freak show: Californication pt. I, II, III, and IV.

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T H E   T R A V I S   D I A R I E S

BY
T.J. Coates



June 2, 2003

I really wish I were a guy named ďTravis.Ē The name just exudes coolness. Like that guy from "WKRP." You know, Travis. I think Iíd do so well with the ladies if when I met them I could say with confidence, ďHi. My name is Travis.Ē Yeah, that would be good. Just say it ten times fast: Travis Travis Travis Travis TravisTravisTravis... You know what? I think ďTravisĒ doesnít sound so cool anymore. But what if I were named ďBart?Ē That would be fucking good. Yes, ďBart.Ē Bart Bart Bart Bartbartbartbartbartbart. Still good.

June 27, 2003

O.K., Iím serious this time. Things would be so much better if I were named Travis. Travis is a great name and conjures images of flannel shirts. Iíve always looked great in plaid. My ex-girlfriend Travisena used to tell me all the time how sexy plaid looked on me. But then she slept with Travis Tritt. God, I hate that guy--first he took my camper and then my girlfriend. What else do you want from me, Tritt?!? Maybe Iíll just change my name to ďDale.Ē

July 15, 2003

In retrospect, Iím glad I didnít blow 400 bucks legally changing my name to Travis. Thatíd have been a huge blunder, because I just heard this rock band called Travis, and I think they stink. If I had the same name as that crap band, Iíd probably shoot myself. Between that rat bastard Tritt and these assholes, Iím about to swear off all musicians named Travis. I do regret naming my dog Travis, but Iím afraid if I just give him a new name and call him ďSpotĒ or ďRoverĒ or what have you, Iíll simply confuse the poor dog. But the upside is maybe now that Iím over all this ďTravisĒ nonsense, my daughter, Travis, jr., might actually talk to me again.

August 10, 2003

Look, Iím man enough to admit when Iím wrong: upon repeated listenings, the band Travis is much better than Iíd previously given them credit for. I canít say Iím a fan of their music, but the band is not, as I formerly stated, a talentless crap-filled sack of hellish suckiness. So, for me, the Travis thing is back on. Not only am I dropping off my change-of-name application at the courts tomorrow, Iím also going to have the V-I-S added to the incomplete T-R-A tattoos that grace the knuckles of my left hand. Also, my new girlfriend, Travis, and I are going to travis our travis, that is, if we donít travis travesly. We travis travesing, though! Ha, ha. Travis?






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