Good book.
LITERARY KAFFEEKLATSCH

DAILY PIECES   |   FEATURES   |    LETTERS

BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

SOAPBOX   |   FOR FURTHER READING


September 3, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: Horseradish.       |       Happy Birthday, Charlie Sheen!

You want to be a C O L U M N I S T, don't you?

Totally ignoring Labor Day, Y.P.R. instead presents a new Feature: Anti-French Sentiment. [Note: This feature is no way fueled by, nor does it comprise, topical anti-French sentiment of the sort that flourished following this springís media-instigated Franco-American tiff regarding Iraq; instead there will be non-topical anti-French sentiment, made of old-fashioned stuff like jingoism and the bullying of an easy target. But, to be clear: Y.P.R. endorses satirical wit and/or irony, not xenophobic racism. Hey, we loved Amťlie.]

Have you read Geoff Wolinetz's Open Letter to the Panda Handler at the San Diego Zoo over at McSweeney's? Go. Now.

Zbornak!
Bea Shirts!

* Enjoy. *

pipe this!

L A D Y ,   Y O U R   P I P E S
N E E D   C L E A N I N G


BY
RAY STILLMAN



Look, lady, your pipes are all clogged up. They need to be cleaned out. They--what?

Oh, itís the tools. The weight of the tools in my belt is what makes my pants hang so low. I know, I know--itís kind of embarrassing. The curse of the plumber: your ass crack is exposed to all. Iíve heard all the jokes, believe me. Now, if youíll pardon me while I get to work on cleaning your pipesÖ what? Yes, some iced tea would be nice. Thank you.

Yes, itís very hot in here. I see youíre rubbing an ice cube along your exposed chest. That must cool you down, Iím sure.

Yes, the iced tea is very tasty. Is that peach flavored? I like peach. Itís very sugary... you keep licking your lips like that, and I--whoa, O.K. there, ha, ha, thank you. Thanks for licking the tea off my--hey, please watch it, Iím going to spill... Um, could you pass me my wrench?

Maíam, Iím sorry, but could you not gyrate so seductively while Iím trying to work? Itís difficult to concentrate on cleaning your pipes.

Whoa--hey now... Maíam, I know my pants are hung extremely low, but Iíve explained to you itís not by choice. Iím here to clean your pipes, not to engage in some steamy sexual encounter. Iím sorry. If youíd please pull your nightie back on, Iíd appreciate it. Thank you.

Well, there you go. Your pipes are thoroughly rooted clean. I hope youíre not upset about that whole awkward sex thing. I know, I know, itís O.K. This type of misunderstanding happens to me all the time. Until thereís a clog or a flood, many women have never met a plumber in real life, and they expect us to be just like the plumbers youíd see in a typical pornographic film. I assure you, weíre not like that at all. Weíre very professional. If we went around having sex instead of fixing pipes, there wouldnít be a working kitchen or bathroom in the whole city!

No, no, do not apologize, thereís no need to feel embarrassed. But now you know: we plumbers are very skilled professionals who do not go around enjoying wanton sexual acts with strangers. If thatís what youíre looking for, I suggest you contact your local cable-TV repairman.

Good day, maíam.






Resistance is futile. You will SUBMIT.

More groovy daily pieces.
RIGHT HERE, YO.



Snarky!


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