B R I E F C H A R A C T E R
S U M M A R I E S F R O M M Y
Y E T - T O - B E - T I T L E D,
Y E T - T O - B E - W R I T T E N P L A Y
VERONICA, 34, a slightly chubby, not too bright midget with a club
Veronica works days at the local health club, handing out towels to the
people who enter the gym's pool area. She also enforces the "no
running" rule of the pool area. This rule is there for your safety. Veronica
doesn't like to be the person who enforces it but she doesn't want you
to slip and crack your head on the tile floor either. In her spare time she knits sweaters
that don't fit.
COL. JAMESON, 55, a man of great integrity and morals, yet when pressed
would club a man to death for the simple pleasure of a Klondike bar.
stands 6 feet tall with a handlebar moustache and a jagged scar that
north to south on his right cheek, the result of intense hand-to-hand
with a Polynesian chambermaid. He smokes a pipe, but uses tobacco from
CONNIE FRANCIS, 64, real name Concetta Francanero. Connie Francis is
prototype for the female pop singer of today. At the height of her
popularity in the late 50s and early 60s, Connie Francis was unique
female recording artist, amassing record sales surpassing those
of many of her post-rock-era male contemporaries. She still challenges
Madonna as the biggest-selling female recording artist of all time.
CHRISTINE, 12, a devious little imp. Christine is the daughter of
industrialist Theodore Van Haddock and his domestic partner of 14
years, Maurice. Christine is a spoiled child, demanding a horse and getting a
stable, demanding an unfunny comic and getting the current cast of
Night Live." She drinks milk from the carton and writes poetry in her
pajamas. If the light strikes her right, she'll bay at the moon.
MAURICE, 32, the step-father of Christine. Maurice works as a
part-time hairdresser/jewelry designer. His black hair is blonde, his blonde
hair black and he enjoys the music of the Monkees, particularly the work of
Peter Tork (the most underrated Monkee, in his opinion). Maurice has an
unquenchable appetite for peanut butter. Also, destruction.
THE LARGE-BREAST QUARTET, a foursome of buxom women designed to deflect
attention from obvious holes in the plot and narrative with periodic
interludes of dancing and simultaneous line recitation. The "LBQ" are
all blonde, all have a 38DD bust line, and intensely dislike Rosie
O'Donnell. They all agree that Sonny Chiba can kick Jackie Chan's ass.