It's a simple request. I don't ask for much. I'm a law-abiding citizen of these United States. I don't drink or smoke. I always hold the door open for ladies when they are walking into a building ahead of me. When I am at a fast-food establishment, such as Arby's or Carl's Jr., I always make sure that I do not take too much ketchup so that there will be enough for everyone who seeks nourishment. Also, I don't take too many napkins. In my office, I am routinely complimented for my cleanliness, both in the areas of desk maintenance and personal hygiene. I am a diligent flosser.
So why won't anyone touch me in my special place?
It's a simple request really. I won't ask that any one single person touch me in my special place more than once. It's just that my special place hasn't been touched in a very long time. It feels good. I like being touched in my special place. Here's how I see it going down. We'll meet around 7 p.m. I can pick you up or we can meet out somewhere. It really doesn't matter. I think I'd like to take you for some dinner. Maybe Italian. Perhaps sushi. The cuisine is irrelevant. In fact, you can choose the type of food that we eat. If you like Mexican, then Mexican it will be, provided that there is a lactose-free option on the menu.
We will then go and get some coffee and spend some time discussing our special places. Their location, their look and feel, etc. I can give you all of the details of my special place. I do not shy away from speaking about my special place and its inherent need to be touched. When we have coffee, I will add two Sweet’N Lows to my cup of coffee as well as two Half-and-Halfs. I like my coffee like I like the people who touch my special place: very light and very sweet.
If you so desire, I can touch your special place as well. I like to think that everybody likes to be touched in their special places. After all, if they didn't like it, it wouldn't be special. I am very gentle with the special places of others, unless they request that I be rough with their special place. If they want me to be rough, I can comply with that request. I have a huge closet full of S & M equipment from my days as a wardrobe guy for Vivid Video.
If you touch my special place, I promise that I'll be extremely grateful. I can lavish you with gifts if you'd like. What is it that you'd want? If you are unsure, I can get you an American Express gift check that you can spend as you like, provided that the establishment that you wish to spend at accepts them. Also, you need to provide a proper form of identification.
As you can see, I am a nice guy. I take care of the people who take care of me. Still, no one will touch my special place. It's really too bad. My special place is friggin’ massive. The last girl walked out of here limping.