You Call That Celebrity Prostitution?
If you want to get out there and get yourself a celebrity John, you're
going to have to do a lot better than that.
For starters, I've seen better ass-shaking at a fat farm. If you want
that guy to stop his car and ask you to get in, you're going to need to make
that rear end look like two pigs struggling under a blanket. You've got to
work that ass. Don't just stand on the sidewalk, with your pouty lips and
your disaffected stare. No one in the car is interested in that. They want you to shake those babies like a British nanny. Shake 'em like a vibrating
bed in an hourly motel. Otherwise, you think anyone, least of all Hugh
Grant is going to stop for you?
Also, look at your hair. If you want to be a top-notch prostitute, you
have to really tease that hair. Don't be afraid to use all the Aqua Net in
the can. You need the front of that 'do to stand at least a foot off of
your head. Also, it should be stiff enough to slice a chunk out of the
forearm of any trick who gets fresh with you, you follow? Eddie Murphy came by
here once and I saw him turn down someone whose hair wasn't stiff enough.
You want to lose a quality hook like that? I don't think so.
I don't know who trained you but you prostitutes have no respect for the
celebrity-prostitution racket anymore. When I was a fresh-faced whore
looking to score some famous action, I knew what I needed to do. Walk
the streets, shake that ass, wear a fake leopard-fur coat, 6-inch heels and
a bra that's three sizes too small. These are the rules. You girls have no
respect for the profession anymore. These days, I see some of the
girls that have their lipstick on straight and none of it on their teeth. If
I'd have shown up with no lipstick on my face, Pimpin' Kyle would have
cracked the me over the head with a bar of soap in a sock and I wouldn't have
had anything to say about it.
Good god, look at you. Who dressed you? You call that skirt skin-tight?
It looks like it's been stretched wider than Louie Anderson at a Chili
Cook-Off. And those earrings. They should be hoops and they should
extend off of the ear at least three inches. Six, if you want to look really
classy. I don't know how any of you even get any business at all. And if you
don't pull someone soon, I'm sure Big Leon will have something to say about
it. If you want to get yourself a classy man, like a Dave Coulier or a Jeff
Bridges, you have to get yourself prepared. I swear, it's like no one
ever told you anything.
Wait a sec, is that Jon Cryer? Don't even think you have a shot at
him. I'll see you girls later.