num num.
LITERARY RIPSNORTER

DAILY PIECES   |    LETTERS

SOAPBOX   |    COLUMNS   |   FEATURES

BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

FOR FURTHER READING   |   SUBMIT


November 11, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: vh1.       |       Happy Birthday, Demi Moore!

Write! G R A P H O L O G Y.

New Soapbox: Things I Hope to Find in Hell by Darby Larson.

qwertyuiop.

Y O U   C A L L   T H A T
C E L E B R I T Y   P R O S T I T U T I O N ?

BY
PIERRE CAVANAUGH



You Call That Celebrity Prostitution? If you want to get out there and get yourself a celebrity John, you're going to have to do a lot better than that.

For starters, I've seen better ass-shaking at a fat farm. If you want that guy to stop his car and ask you to get in, you're going to need to make that rear end look like two pigs struggling under a blanket. You've got to work that ass. Don't just stand on the sidewalk, with your pouty lips and your disaffected stare. No one in the car is interested in that. They want you to shake those babies like a British nanny. Shake 'em like a vibrating bed in an hourly motel. Otherwise, you think anyone, least of all Hugh Grant is going to stop for you?

Also, look at your hair. If you want to be a top-notch prostitute, you have to really tease that hair. Don't be afraid to use all the Aqua Net in the can. You need the front of that 'do to stand at least a foot off of your head. Also, it should be stiff enough to slice a chunk out of the forearm of any trick who gets fresh with you, you follow? Eddie Murphy came by here once and I saw him turn down someone whose hair wasn't stiff enough. You want to lose a quality hook like that? I don't think so.

I don't know who trained you but you prostitutes have no respect for the celebrity-prostitution racket anymore. When I was a fresh-faced whore looking to score some famous action, I knew what I needed to do. Walk the streets, shake that ass, wear a fake leopard-fur coat, 6-inch heels and a bra that's three sizes too small. These are the rules. You girls have no respect for the profession anymore. These days, I see some of the girls that have their lipstick on straight and none of it on their teeth. If I'd have shown up with no lipstick on my face, Pimpin' Kyle would have cracked the me over the head with a bar of soap in a sock and I wouldn't have had anything to say about it.

Good god, look at you. Who dressed you? You call that skirt skin-tight? It looks like it's been stretched wider than Louie Anderson at a Chili Cook-Off. And those earrings. They should be hoops and they should extend off of the ear at least three inches. Six, if you want to look really classy. I don't know how any of you even get any business at all. And if you don't pull someone soon, I'm sure Big Leon will have something to say about it. If you want to get yourself a classy man, like a Dave Coulier or a Jeff Bridges, you have to get yourself prepared. I swear, it's like no one ever told you anything.

Wait a sec, is that Jon Cryer? Don't even think you have a shot at him. I'll see you girls later.







*submission..*

*archive.*

go fish.


ABOUT THE AUTHORS    |    ABOUT Y.P.R.

CONTACT    |    HELP    |    STAFF    |    JOBS

KINDRED SPIRITS    |    EXPORTS    |    LINKS

SUBSCRIBE    |    SUPPORT    |    SUBMIT    |    SHOP

A NOTE ABOUT THE TYPE    |    RECIPE FOR YANKEE POT ROAST

SUGGESTIONS FOR READING AND ENJOYING YANKEE POT ROAST

A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER, ZEN-LIKE IN ITS INFINITE POSSIBILITY

© MMIII, Y.P.R. A & M