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December 10, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: President Sharpton.       |       Happy Birthday, Raven Symone!

And G R A P H O L O G Y is almost done.

better than pammie & tommy lee.

# 9   D R E A M

BY
JOSH ABRAHAM



Doctor, Iím having that dream again. Iím in a band -- an old-timey band from, like, the 50s, and weíre on stage, behind the curtain, just moments before showtime. Ed Sullivan is introducing us, and Iím freaking out, because Iím on drums Ė and I canít play the drums. I canít even read music. Iíve got no idea what Iím doing, and Iím about to make a complete fool of myself on live, national TV. So, the curtain raises, right? And the spotlights go on. And the audience explodes! Cheers and shrieks and teenage girls are swooning, and Iím sweating profusely and just hoping to God I donít pass out. I look over to the bassist, the guitarist, the singerÖ everyoneís backs are to me. Nobody knows Iím not supposed to be here. My mind is racing through scenarios Ė I can fake an injury or something. Maybe I can yank out the cord leading to the mike and at least cause a little delay Ė no, weíre starting. Weíre starting, and I donít know what to do, so I just blindly swing my drumsticks, haphazardly smacking, I dunno, kettles and that big one in the middle, and Iím pumping my foot on that gas pedal thing, and Iím striking that little tin thing that looks like a Chinamanís hat Ė you know, that thing? Cymbals, whatever. Iím just making a racket and, miraculously, nobodyís yelling at me to stop Ė and then I see the bassist, he turns to me, and the bassist is me. Doc, the bassist is another me! Why are there two of me? I donít know how to play bass! And the guitarist, thatís another me, too! And the guy singing and dancing up front? Me! Thereís three of me singing backup chorus. Iím the whole band, and none of me knows how to play an instrument! But, still, our noise is catchy. Itís infectious. The crowd loves it. And, before I know it Ė thatís it. Finished. Over. Done. *Sigh.* Doctor, am I Andre 3000?



Why?
What?
Whoa.

go fish.


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