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We won't bring it up if you don't.
LITERARY GOTCHA


January 22, 2004       |       Today's Terror Mood Ring: the walking dead.       |       Happy Birthday, Diane Lane!

Learn Français!:"Quoi-ques; évidemms; ainsi bourdonnz."
Whatevs; obvs; so buzz.


Graphology is available for preorder.
And Graphology 2 is awaiting your beautiful submissions.

Avast! New Soapbox yonder: Two by Amy Shearn
Ahoy! Letters ho! Dear Regal Cinemas by David Abraham

Adventurous souls are encouraged to attend the K.E.L.R. event at Riffi, where (pnote)'s D.DiC & M.J.E. will be reading. Also, J.A. will be reading. And J.A. will be there, too, but listening.

Crockpot.

RECENTLY RETURNED LETTERS TO SANTA

BY
BRIAN HUGHES



Dear Santa,

I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this?

Confusedly Yours,
Armen Katein


Dear Santa,

I was wondering, could you leave a cookie for me this year? Every year I leave you six or seven cookies and every year I wake up the next morning to find nothing but crumbs. Getting up early to open presents is difficult and I could really use that sugar rush that only a cookie can provide. I mean, I know for a fact you get cookies at other houses, so is it really necessary for you to eat every single cookie at every single house? Haven't you ever heard of gluttony, tubbs?

Sincerely,
Slyvia Mills

Dear Santa,

Those boots are all wrong with that jacket. I’m just saying.

With mild concern,
Ted Willins

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for my parents to stop fighting. Just one day where they don't scream and yell is all I am asking for. That, or an X-box. Actually, the X-box is probably better.

Rhoda Fallows

Dear Santa,

What were you doing with my mother underneath the mistletoe last night? Because if I saw mommy kissing who I think I saw mommy kissing, Daddy is not gonna be happy.

Ralphie Bartolo

Dear Santa,

Don't you want to see The Butterfly Effect!?! That movie looks so amazing. Ashton is such a hottie! He is totally kewl!

Ashton's future wife,
Jessica Elizabeth

Dear Santa,

Blitzen is so the best reindeer. He is the fastest, the strongest, the most powerful, and far and away the most beautiful. Also, though I do not personally know Blitzen, I am sure that if he had a fight with Donner it was entirely due to Donner's constant chain- and hay-hogging, and certainly was not caused by any alcohol consumption on his part. Also, Rudolph is a lamedeer whose nose is more often brown than red.

Sincerely,
B. Litzen

Dear Santa,

What are Sugar Plums? I mean, are they plums dipped in sugar, or like another type of fruit entirely? I thought you might know. Fill me in.

Your buddy,
Brian Hughes

Dear Santa,

Is your first name spelled Kris Kringle or Chris Kringle? My friend Nathan insists it’s ‘Chris,’ but I know it’s ‘Kris.’ He was like, "Kris is too gay," and I was like, "Maybe it is but that is how he spells it." So let me know, O.K.? I've got five bucks on it. Thanks.

Craig Denning

Dear Santa,

I also smelled of witch hazel. Does that help jog your memory, sicko?

Armen Katein


Write to Y.P.R. Write for Y.P.R. Right on, Y.P.R.

Crockpot.


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