We won't bring it up if you don't.
LITERARY MUMMERY

FICTION   |    NON   |    FEATURES
LETTERS   |   COLUMNS   |   BOOKS
BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES
FOR FURTHER READING   |   SUBMIT


March 9, 2004       |       Today's Terror Mood Ring: tony vs. bear.       |       Happy Birthday, Kato Kaelin!

Crockpot.

SCENES FROM
"C.S.I.: PODUNK"

BY
DANIEL BYARD COX



Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse.

HUCKSLEY
I reckon heís dead all right. Cause oí death?

MUFF
Sheriff say shotgun, close range.

HUCKSLEY
We got an ID?

MUFF
Collertonís boy.

HUCKSLEY
How 'bout evidence?

MUFF
Just them prints in the snow cominí and goiní 'tween here and ol' Larsonís.

Hucksley nods and spits tobacco.

MUFF
And the sheriff said ol' Larsonís shotgun and boots is still settiní there on his doorstep, where he left 'em 'fore goiní inside.

HUCKSLEY
Hmm. That it?

MUFF
Well, his boots is wet and barrels dirty. And he said heís glad he killed the bastard.

HUCKSLEY
We better have us a look-see at ol' Larson then.


Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse.

HUCKSLEY
Dang if he ainít been shot to hell.

MUFF
Sorry, pardner, on account oí ol' Larry here beiní yer cousin aní all.

HUCKSLEY
Heís yer cousin too, ainít he?

MUFF
(Furrows his brow)
Well, I reckon youíre right.

HUCKSLEY
So we got ID. What about cause oí death?

MUFF
Well, sheriff says itís all them bullet holes.

HUCKSLEY
Well the sheriff ainít no crime-scene expert, now is he?

MUFF
Well, no, he ainít, but donít go haviní a bee in yer bonnet over it!

HUCKSLEY
Okay, sorry, pardner, but the Sheriffís got hisself a mighty strong opinion about what happened to ol' Larry here and I ainít seeiní it his way.

MUFF
And whatís the sheriff reckon?

HUCKSLEY
Well, thereís a lotta accidents in these parts and Larry hereís in his huntiní shirt...


Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse.

MUFF
I reckon Mr. Tuckerís been planted?

HUCKSLEY
Pardon?

MUFF
(examining the surrounding area) Looks like he was run down by a combine... Tractor marks here, seed spilled there.

HUCKSLEY
Themís tire tracks all right. We sure he ainít been shot though?

MUFF
Hard to say on account oí half oí him beiní in the dirt.

HUCKSLEY
We better unplant him them.

MUFF
Alrighty, but I already got me an idea oí who done it.

HUCKSLEY
And how in tarnation you got it figured out already?

MUFF
(Squats near a tire track and spits tobacco)
Well, pardner, these is very smooth tracks, y'see. And I reckon the only John Deere 'round with tires this old is Mr. Leefordís, over yonder. And ainít it a coinkydink that Leeford wants Mr. Tuckerís farm.

HUCKSLEY
That 'n' the fact that Leeford killed Mr. Kunkle last year and stole his back forty.


Agents Hucksley & Muff and Sheriff Tillman are standing and drinking coffee outside the storefront police station.

HUCKSLEY
We got a motive, Sheriff?

SHERIFF
Say what?


HUCKSLEY
We got a reason ol' Larson done shot up the Collerton boy?

TILLMAN
I reckon so. Collerton Junior was fixiní to take ol' Larsonís daughter to the hoedown tonight.

HUCKSLEY
Hmm. And we got ol' Larson sayiní heís glad he killed the sumí bitch?

TILLMAN
Yessir. I followed them snow tracks to ol' Larsonís house. 'Fore I knocked I checked the scatter gun on the doorstep. It was dirty all right. It was also empty so I popped in a few shells... on account o' me owin' him a few loads and me havin' some left over from this morninís hunt. Then I went inside for coffee. Him being glad he done it was the first thing he said to me... Then we had us a nice chat about the weather.

HUCKSLEY
You think heíll sing to the judge?

SHERIFF
Well, ol' Larson ainít the singiní type. He donít even hum to hisself or play a blues harp.

MUFF
Uh, Sheriff, I reckon what my pardner here means is...

HUCKSLEY
What Iím askiní is, will ol' Larson tell the part about beiní glad he done it to the judge in town.

TILLMAN
Ol' Larson is the judge in town.

Silence.


TILLMAN
Heís a right fair judge though.

MUFF
Golly, if it ainít cominí back to me now: I 'member ol' Judge Larson. He just plain let hisself off last time. Kept holleriní 'bout our mistakes at the Ďcrime sceneí he called it. ĎGot no evidence permissible in the court oí law,í he said.

TILLMAN
Yep. Olí Larson likes using the slick talk and crazy rules he got from his traininí with the city folk, them big words and rhymes and all.





Write to Y.P.R. Write for Y.P.R. Right on, Y.P.R.

Crockpot.


ABOUT THE AUTHORS   |   ABOUT Y.P.R.   |   CONTACT   |   SUBSCRIBE   |   SUPPORT   |   SUBMIT   |   SHOP   |   HELP   |   SITE MAP
F.A.Q.s    |    STAFF    |   JOBS   |   LINKS   |   KINDRED SPIRITS   |   A NOTE ABOUT THE TYPE   |   RECIPE FOR YANKEE POT ROAST
SUGGESTIONS FOR READING AND ENJOYING YANKEE POT ROAST   |   A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER, ZEN-LIKE IN ITS INFINITE POSSIBILITY


© MMIV Yankee Pot Roast & Sons