LITERARY HAYMAKER
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
in:
“Mary-Kate & Ashley Turn 18!”
byJosh Abraham
: Happy birthday, Mary-Kate!
: I’m Ashley, you stupid head.
: Wait, I thought I was Ashley!
: You dyed your hair brown to tell us apart.
: Oh yeah, I forgot! See, when I look at you, I can’t see my hair, so that’s why I mix us up.
: Now I’m confused.
: So am I!
: My head hurts when I talk to you.
: So does mine!
: I totally can’t tell us apart now.
: Oh my God, me neither!
: I can’t believe we’re finally eighteen.
: I feel like a grown-up!
: I feel the same.
: Oh, my God, me too! What should we do first?
: That guy from Maxim’s been calling for days.
: We can vote!
: I think we’re supposed to inherit some money or something. I saw a headline in The Post.
: We can watch R-rated movies! We can get tattoos! We can buy cigarettes! We can join the army!
: I think you should.
: It’s too bad we can’t buy cocaine until we’re 21.
: I think you’ve got a learning disability and an eating disorder.
: What would all the grown-ups do tonight?
: Mom and Dad are watching “Deadwood.”
: Ooh, I like cowboys! Let’s watch, let’s watch! I’m a cowgirl! Moo!
: I'm surprised that you've managed to survive this long without being eaten by predators.
: Shut up, Mary-Kate! You’re retarded!
: You’re Mary-Kate!
: No, you are!
: I hate you.
: No, you are!
: Shush, “Deadwood”’s starting.
: Cocksucker motherfucker eat a bag of shit goddamn douchebag suck your mother’s tit.
: This adult world frightens me.
: Me too.
Josh Abraham is coëditor of Tiger Beat.