LITERARY BOOTLEG

A Public Apology from the New York Post

by
Y.P.R.


Dear Post Readers,

Like all FOX endeavors, we rely on speed over accuracy and hope that you, the reading public of New York, accept this tradeoff and the mostly minor errors that occur as a result. Longtime readers know that any given edition will carry more spelling errors than the notebook of a dyslexic six-year-old immigrant. For instance, last year a Page 2 headline touted “Bronx Man Finally Stabbed.” Of course, we made the requisite apologies to late victim’s family, noting that the headline should have read “Bronx Man Fatally Stabbed,” but who has the time or the inclination to quibble over such details? After all, we have a paper to publish. Case in point is the Bayside family that we stated had been “gored to death by a viscous pack of nectarines.” Of course we intended “vicious pack of wolverines,” and if you read the story quickly, you probably didn’t even notice the difference. Certainly, it wasn’t noticed by the 96-year-old woman who won the lottery and was “delicious with soy.” (We meant “delirious with joy”; so sue us.)

These errors beg the question: Do you want your news fast or do you want it right? We’ve examined the options and have pushed all our chips toward the former.

Simply put, we value now over I’m almost done spell-checking. So what if we’ve, on occasion, placed an I before E after C? It’s not like we’re completely fabricating bullshit and calling it news like certain papers of record we know. . .

Yesterday, it was brought to our attention that, in our haste to deliver our fine periodical to you, our dear readers, we made a minor typographical error on the front page of our July 6^th edition, as well as in many subsequent pages, and in several photographic captions. The error occurred in a story about presumptive Democratic Party nominee John Kerry having come to a decision in his search for a running mate. Who broke the story first? That’s right: The New York Post. We gave the exclusive story top billing and smacked 500-point bold letters across our front page—the cost of the extra ink is it worth it because we care about our readers. Unfortunately, our overworked and underpaid copyeditors didn’t pick up an insignificant spelling error before we went to press and, as a result, the leftwing vice-presidential hopeful Senator John Edwards’s name was spelled incorrectly numerous times throughout the late-breaking exclusive which we moved front and center extra fast so that we could get the news to your doorsteps. Also, the name of Senator Edwards’s home state, North Carolina, was inaccurately spelled, as were dozens of identifying personal details.

The New York Post deeply regrets any miscommunication that may have resulted from a mere typo, and it extends its apologies to Senator Edwards and his liberal family. The Post wishes him the best of luck in his campaign, despite his ticket not having a Fudgsicle's chance in Hades.

Once again, thank you for reading the New York Post and don’t miss “North Shore,” Wedsnesy nights at nine o’clock (eight central). Only on FOX!

Cheers,
Rupert Murdoch