Non-Food-Related Letters by
Iíve Written to Chip Companies
I just saw your new commercial. You know, the one with the ragtag group of peacock trainers who beat the odds and win the big surfing contest? Well, much to my surprise, I noticed that Iím in the commercial. Iím not a celebrity or an astronaut, but there I am as the sixth celebrity-astronaut surfing-contest-judge from the left. While I suppose I ought to be up in arms about the fact that I was probably drugged and forced to act in a commercial without my permission or knowledge and presumably outside of the bounds of the Screen Actors Guild (of which Iím not a member (unless they drugged me too!)), Iím just too tickled by the whole thing to raise any kind of huff. I TiVoed the spot and have been showing all of my neighbors, amateur boxing rivals, relatives, and professional skeet-shooting allies ever since. Can I expect to see myself in anymore of your television ads?
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Dear Better Made,
Have you seen my collection of world-leader pockets? The last time I knew I had it was at a charity auction to raise money to fight fish. I beat out Julie Tilly (rarely seen sister of Meg and Jennifer) on a change pocket from John Majorís swim trunks and figured my luck couldnít get better, so I decided to head home. Now, Iíve never been to your offices, nor do I even know where they are. In fact, Iím not even sure if youíre a real chip company and not just some chip company like Knee-Head Jacksonís Boiled Tater Chips that I dreamed about after a raucous night of carousing and festivitating. Nonetheless, Iíve looked everywhere else and pray with all of my might that the bottle Iím about to put this letter into reaches you.
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Who do you think would win in a fight, a duck or a guy? What if the duck had a knife? What if the guy had never seen a duck before and also had a stick? In either fighterís case, would alchemy serve as an advantage or a hindrance? What if the duck had a gun? Also, have you seen the new Pringles commercials? Youíre reading a letter written by the sixth celebrity-astronaut surfing-contest-judge from the left. Listen: between you, me, the duck, and the guy, Iím not averse to jumping ship if a better offer comes along. Think about it.
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Do you sell harmonicas now? I know youíre a telephone and telegraph company, but I figured since you recently broke into the highly competitive snack-chip business that you might have also made a foray into the equally rough-and-tumble harmonica industry. Anyway, if you have and you need some harmonicas at a reasonable rate, I have a ton that Iíve collected over the years. Iím liquidating my harmonica collections so I can focus my attentions on my pocket and knapsack collections as well as my burgeoning commercial acting career. If you thought the timbre of my writing rings familiar, thatís why: I was recently cast as the second cross-dressing plumber from the right in your latest chip commercial.
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Have you seen my knapsack autographed by Ralph Nader and Kevin Costner? I havenít lost it, I was just wondering if youíve seen it, because it kicks motherfucking ass. Next time you start talking about how hot your autographed knapsack is, you better check to see whoís standing behind you, bitch!
Yours in Christ,
By day, Matthew Tobey is an editor for All Movie Guide. By night, he operates the weblog The City of Floating Blogs. By afternoon, he will have thought of at least three things that would have made this bio funnier. He is happily married, used to edit Haypenny and enjoys writing about himself in the third person.