Y.P.R.'s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004
The As-Yet-Unaired Third
‘Swift Boat Veterans for Truth’
John Kerry (newsreel footage): “I ask you to judge me by my record.”
Swift Boat Veteran #1: John Kerry is a liar.
Swift Boat Veteran #2: John Kerry isn’t the person who he says he isn’t not.
Swift Boat Veteran #3: I served kinda in the approximate general area as John Kerry. I know him.
Swift Boat Veteran #4: John Kerry borrowed five dollars from me, and when I asked for it back, he shook his head, looked confused and said, “What five dollars?” I never got that five dollars back.
Naval Ophthalmologist: I administered a vision test on John Kerry. He refused to keep his eyes focused on a fixed point before his eyes.
Swift Boat Veteran #2: John Kerry once confided to me, as we were passing each other in the hallway, that he was planning to fake some war wounds, win three Purple Hearts, return to the United States, denounce the medals and then enter into a career in politics which would eventually cast him as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States.
Swift Boat Veteran #4: He made those purple hearts from construction paper and old beer cans.
Swift Boat Veteran #1: To the best of my knowledge, John Kerry was never even in Vietnam.
Naval Ophthalmologist: He is unfit to operate any form of vehicle. His vision is very poor.
Swift Boat Veteran #1: He perfected the science of holographic technology way back in 1969. Like Lex Luthor in Superman II.
Swift Boat Veteran #4: One time, he got real drunk and came after me with a corkscrew.
Viet Cong Foot Soldier: John Kerry promised me twelve dollars to fall over with a bottle of ketchup and pretend like I was dead. I never received that twelve dollars.
Swift Boat Veteran #3: My initial reaction upon meeting John Kerry thirty-five years ago was that he would make a very poor president.
Swift Boat Veteran #2: When I asked him what he would do as president, he laughed manically and muttered under his breath, “Just you wait and see.”
Swift Boat Veteran #1: Come to think of it, I’ve never seen John Kerry and Lex Luthor together in the same room.
Some Guy #1: He took a giant shit on the American flag.
Waiter, Officers’ Mess Hall: John Kerry tips well below twelve percent.
Swift Boat Veteran #2: C’mon, man. Just believe me.
John O’Neill: My book is selling very well. Very well, indeed.
Some Guy #2: John Kerry can hypnotize a man in ten seconds by looking deeply into his eyes and chanting, “You will do my bidding.”
Roman Catholic Naval Priest: John Kerry is a corpus of pure evil incarnate.
Swift Boat Veteran #1: We’re not asking you to buy into this shit forever. Just until November 2nd.
Swift Boat Veteran #4: Fuck John Kerry, that arrogant cock!
President Bush (voiceover): My name is George W. Bush, and I do not unofficially not support this message.
Dennis DiClaudio submitted this Recommended Reading List for Jerked Off Pseudo-Intellectuals in lieu of a real bio: Samuel Beckett, Molloy, Malone Dies, The Unnamable; William S. Burroughs, Naked Lunch; James Joyce, Finnegan's Wake; the Marquis de Sade, 120 Days of Sodomy; Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra and Ecce Homo. In addition to being jealous of people who can read these books and enjoy them, Dennis is an editor for (parenthetical note).
Y.P.R.'s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004