How to Get a BoyfriendAs Explained to Me by My 11-Year-Old Sister
- Wear glitter eye shadow. Ignore that heís
shorter than you by, like, a foot. Practice
roller-skating, because thatís what youíll have to do
together, but donít actually own any roller skates,
because thatís just retarded. Donít say retarded, itís
mean to retarded people. Remind him not to say it
either, but then crack up when he starts yelling
RETARDED RETARDED RETARDED just to be obnoxious during
passing period. Watch as your best friend writes his
name on your hand while you say, OHMYGOD DONíT STOP IT
STOP IT IíLL CROSS IT OUT, but then donítócross it
out, I mean. Look at it before bed. When he comes up
to your locker to ask if you like him LIKE THAT, say,
LIKE WHAT, and when he says, YOU KNOW, say, IíM GOING
TO BE LATE FOR CLASS.
- If he asks you out when he already has a
girlfriend, say, YOU CANíT LIKE ME UNTIL YOU DUMP HER.
Wait for that to happen; give it less than a week. Ask
for a sip of his pop, because you know his mouth was
on the same can. Rescue the can from the garbage and
play the alphabet game with the tab until you get an N
and put it on your necklace. Play the ďI Love YouĒ
game, but mouth ďolive juiceĒ when itís your turn and
see if he notices. When he dumps her, say, YEAH I LIKE
YOU LIKE THAT IF YOU LIKE ME LIKE THAT.
- Ask your mom if you can go to the mall with
friends, but donít say which friends and donít say
that itís actually only one and he is actually only a
boy. Ask to borrow his hoodie because youíre cold even
though youíre inside at the mall. Hold his hand even
though itís hard because heís short. Watch his lips
when he eats french fries. Practice unwrapping
Starbursts with your tongue at lunch. Be the first one
of your friends to have a boyfriend. Show them the
notes he folded like footballs that all say, I LOVE
YOU. At the Halloween dance when he says, ARE YOU
GONNA KISS ME OR WHAT, get nervous and freak out and
just kiss his cheek.
- When he dumps you for being a prude, pretend
you donít care. Decide that the next boy who asks you
out, youíll stick your tongue down his throat no matter what.
Much like her sister, Leigh Stein is not old enough to legally consume alcohol. Instead, she spends most of her time blogging and teaching competitive improvisation to middle schoolers. She temporarily resides in Chicago.