Yankee Pot Roast

LITERARY FOGHORN


How to Get a Boyfriend

As Explained to Me by My 11-Year-Old Sister

by
Leigh Stein


  1. Wear glitter eye shadow. Ignore that heís shorter than you by, like, a foot. Practice roller-skating, because thatís what youíll have to do together, but donít actually own any roller skates, because thatís just retarded. Donít say retarded, itís mean to retarded people. Remind him not to say it either, but then crack up when he starts yelling RETARDED RETARDED RETARDED just to be obnoxious during passing period. Watch as your best friend writes his name on your hand while you say, OHMYGOD DONíT STOP IT STOP IT IíLL CROSS IT OUT, but then donítócross it out, I mean. Look at it before bed. When he comes up to your locker to ask if you like him LIKE THAT, say, LIKE WHAT, and when he says, YOU KNOW, say, IíM GOING TO BE LATE FOR CLASS.

  2. If he asks you out when he already has a girlfriend, say, YOU CANíT LIKE ME UNTIL YOU DUMP HER. Wait for that to happen; give it less than a week. Ask for a sip of his pop, because you know his mouth was on the same can. Rescue the can from the garbage and play the alphabet game with the tab until you get an N and put it on your necklace. Play the ďI Love YouĒ game, but mouth ďolive juiceĒ when itís your turn and see if he notices. When he dumps her, say, YEAH I LIKE YOU LIKE THAT IF YOU LIKE ME LIKE THAT.

  3. Ask your mom if you can go to the mall with friends, but donít say which friends and donít say that itís actually only one and he is actually only a boy. Ask to borrow his hoodie because youíre cold even though youíre inside at the mall. Hold his hand even though itís hard because heís short. Watch his lips when he eats french fries. Practice unwrapping Starbursts with your tongue at lunch. Be the first one of your friends to have a boyfriend. Show them the notes he folded like footballs that all say, I LOVE YOU. At the Halloween dance when he says, ARE YOU GONNA KISS ME OR WHAT, get nervous and freak out and just kiss his cheek.

  4. When he dumps you for being a prude, pretend you donít care. Decide that the next boy who asks you out, youíll stick your tongue down his throat no matter what.