Yankee Pot Roast


Advice from Topeka

Carol Novack

ďNever trust nobody & youíll live a long life.Ē
                              óEdna Peatree

A woman slips a note into a copy of the latest Readerís Digest on sale at a shop at Dallas airport. The note reads:
Hi. Iím Muffy. I'm young and gorgeous but lonely. Please write to me!

Edna Appleby finds the note and responds:
Dear Miss Muffy:

My name is Edna Appleby, from Topeka, Kansas. My granddaughter, Dotty, bless her heart, gave me that Readerís Digest with your note in it because she knows how much I love Readerís Digest, dear. She herself never reads it because sheís a fashion designer in Los Angeles. Iím much older than you, I suspect, and Iím very, very concerned you might be slipping this contact information in other magazines and it will fall into the hands of an ax murderer, one with brains enough to figure out where you live. And I know all about ax murderers because Elmo, my uncle by marriage to my sister who never had any sense, was one. He done killed six women in a farm outside of Topeka in the space of they say three minutes, including my sister and her bingo friends, because he was a very big horribly strong man with a vile temper and no control at all and ugly as a dung beetle to boot. And they fried him, thank the Lord, so heís been getting his just deserts for years.

Youíre a very lucky young lady, Miss Muffy. I just got this Web TV thing in the mail from my grandson Bobby and my naybor's son Billy teached me how to use it and Iím having so much fun. Just imagine yesterday I found one of my elementry school classmates what lives in Baton Rouge and she writes me all about little Joey Figs, what used to be class clown, so she tells me all about how heís been indicated for securities fraud. You never can tell about people I always say which is what you should always be bearing in mind, dear, because the world is full of all sorts of terrible people and I donít know why but the Lord has a reason for everything. Amen.

Now my husband, Willy, who passed away five summers ago, bless his heart, was a good man and he worked hard while the babies came bursting out of me like little popovers. We fed those babies and I took a job in the tire factory and they all growed up in good health except for two who was stillborn. And except for Elmo and my nasty drunk daddy, I canít really say I got too many complaints about my life because I was very very careful to never get mixed up with dangerous mean fruitcakes so now Iím ripe as an apple what's already fallen from a tree, but a little bored but donít you be telling anyone that.

Maybe youíd like to correspond and make a lonely old lady like me happy because the kids and the grandkids donít write or visit much because theyíre very busy and to tell the truth they try not to speak to me probably because I lost most of my hearing and had to get a hysterectomy, and then decided to go for a sex change, you know life is a bitch when youíre a woman. Anyways, I look forward to finding out where you live and what you do and whatever else you want to tell me.