Skittles that fell to earth in a torrential candystorm, just like in those commercials.
Raisins. They’re nature’s candy, kids! Eat ’em up!
A scorching case of V.D.
Some leftover gorp the possums didn’t get to.
Whatever lies within these cans with no labels
Candy corn! Everybody loves candy corn! Mmmm corn. Mmm mmm mmm mm so good. Corn. Ooooh yeah.
Non-poisonous, razor blade- and hypodermic needle-free homemade cupcakes that won't kill you, I promise
Lovely parting gifts, including a year's supply of Nissan Cup O' Noodles
Back issues of Playboy that I don't want the wife to find
Tommy Chong's "Bag O' Grass"
Um, I got no candy. Sorry, little man. How’d you like a Newport Light?
Copies of our new CD, "Clay Aiken's Greatest HIts"
Crushing blows to the self-esteem of little children in the form of insulting remarks about their costumes
T-shirts, "I'm one of Heavy D's Boyz"
Steamy boudoir self-portraits
My number, for you kids to take home and give to Mommy
Gift Certificates, $10 off any purchase at Dick's Video Porn Shaft
A sense of smug self-satisfaction regarding Ann Coulter’s image as Right Wing Hot Chick
MORE HELLISH HALLOWE'EN HORROR
How Hallmark Invented Hallowe'en
It's the Great Pumpkin-Patch Farmer, Charlie Brown!
What Are We Giving Trick-or-Treaters at Our Door?
A Hallowe'en Message from Dr. Demento
A Trick-or-Treat Guide to the Houses on My Block