Yankee Pot Roast

LITERARY HUMBUG


The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter

by
Jonathan Shipley


Hi,

Jim has testicular cancer. Pray for him. He’s doing OKAY but pray for him. The growth has reëmerged in his left testicle. We’re hoping to get him out of the hospital for Christmas. If we do get to take him home (cross your fingers and pray) we’ll put him in bed, turn on the Barbara Streisand Christmas album, and maybe serve him up some of my famous ham. (Cleta, you’ll get the recipe when I die. I’ll put it in the will. – ☺)

The kids are doing OKAY. Jimmy has a restraining order against him by his third wife, Melly. Jimmy and Melly have had it pretty rough lately, what with Jimmy getting laid off at the paper mill and Melly getting in the newspaper for the incident at the paper mill, but I think (pray, everyone pray) that they’ll get back on track and see, once and for all, how much they mean to one another and how much they love one another (scars notwithstanding). That’s what Christmas is about, right? Forgiveness for sins. Or is that Easter? Or is it one of those Jew holidays? Never mind, just pray for them and their happiness.

Virgil’s baby has a cleft palette. They’re hoping to get some money scraped together to fix it. I’m not giving them one dollar, though. I didn’t think they should have even HAD that baby.

The twins, Monique and Jesse, are doing wonderfully in Los Angeles. They called me the other day and told me they had an agent and everything. They’re going to be in movies! It’s true. Go to the local video store sometime soon and ask the clerk if they can show you Moby Dicks. That’s their first movie. They’ve already signed up to be in another movie, The Brides of Frank N. Stein. I heard it’s a horror movie but really good anyway. I asked them if I could come to the set sometime but they said no. Something about confidentiality and copyright infringement or something.

As for me? Well, OKAY, if Crohn’s disease is OKAY. If you’re not up on medical terminology (and who is?!) Crohn’s disease is an inflammatory condition that affects my digestive tract, including my mouth, esophagus, stomach, small and large intestines, and anus. Did I say ‘anus’? Unfortunately, yes. It’s terrible having the disease during the holidays! There’s nothing that ruins a holiday feast more than diarrhea. Diarrhea and gastrointestinal discomfort. Diarrhea, gastrointestinal discomfort, and sharp pains in my anus.

Happy holidays!

Virginia & Jim Stanton