do not cross the streams

E - M A I L   T O   G - D


From: Nick Jezarian []
To: god@
Cc: peter@, paul@, jesus@, mary@ Subject: Some questions
Date: Monday, March 03, 2003 1:01:19 PM

Dear G-d,

Before I get fully immersed in the purpose of this letter, I'd like to start by saying I'm one of Your biggest fans. You've really outdone Yourself with this stupendous, albeit tumultuous, world. And in six days no less! I mean, working six-day weeks are typical investment-banker hours, but You worked a six-day workweek and You have a lot more to show for it than some financial analysis. You go, D-wg! You're truly the Man, or as my great-uncle Pete might say, You're the shiz-nit. I wonder though, did You play golf on Sunday? And if so, what's Your handicap? Being G-d and all, I'd imagine it's pretty good, if not perfect.

The main reason I'm writing however, is in reference to the hyphen in Your name. What gives? Clearly You know as well as we do, who we're talking about when we write "God" or "G-d." Wasn't G-d/God a manmade term anyway? I mean I'm sure You could do so if You wanted to, but our heads aren't exploding if we spell Your name one way or the other. (Please don't infer that I'm challenging You; I'm just curious and have no doubt You could explode my head like a grape in a microwave.) So if God/G-d is a manmade name, and You created man, then by the law of Modus Tollens, You pretty much created Your own name too. So I'm curious why exactly You also created some guy who started this trend of putting a hyphen in Your name. Maybe You didn't actually create him but You set things in motion, and, as they say, God works in mysterious ways. So what's the mystery behind the hyphen, pray tell (no pun intended)?

On a side note, and as long as (I'm presuming) I have Your undivided divine attention, I have a few other of Your riddles I'd love to get some answers to. I'm not going to bore You with the age-old question of why am I here yadda, yadda, yadda. But what were You thinking when You invented the penis? I mean really, it's such an odd contraption and its so, I don't know, out there... And how did You come up with that name? Other things I'm dying to get answers to are the following:

  1. Where are my keys? I've been missing them for days.
  2. Is even Bobcat Goldthwait created in Your image?
  3. Do pizza delivery men ever get "propositioned" for free pizza like they do in the film industry?
  4. Is there really some grand master plan? I don't need to know what it is, it'd probably just confuse me anyway but I just want to know if there is one. A simple yes or no would suffice.
  5. I get tangerines. I get oranges. What's the deal with clementines though?
  6. Why do men have nipples? It doesn't seem like You to go wasting motions like that.
I've asked a number of people down here and have gotten varied answers. I thought it best to go straight to the source. If You could find some time in what I'm sure is an absurdly busy schedule, I'd truly appreciate a little enlightenment, in more ways than one. I look forward to hearing from You. Also, I'd love if You could tell me how to tell if a grapefruit is pink or yellow from the outside. That's it for fruit questions, I promise. Thanks.

An Enquiring Mind,
Nick Jezarian

From: Schwartzbaum, Lenny []
To: Nick Jezarian []
Subject: Your mail
Date: Monday, March 03, 2003 1:02:11 PM

Mr. Jezarian,

Thank you for your interest in God's divine plan. God would love to answer all of His prayer and e-mail in person but you understand that even with omnipotence and omniscience, it is difficult for Him to get to all of the requests. As such, He has retained my services. I am one of God's personal attachés. I handle His schedule and mail for the northeastern United States.

God would like to extend His deepest personal wishes of gratitude for your kind words about His work with the Earth. You do not know this, as you are a member of the human race, but He has since created several more worlds with intelligent life. Though you were favored among all His endeavors some years ago when the Bible was written, understand that priorities do shift. At this time, God favors a race of beings that have super spelling in the southwestern corner of the Universe. He just loves people who can spell.

The dash in God's (G-d's) name was, funny enough, a complete accident. John (the Anabaptist) spilled hot coffee on the first draft of the Bible. God suggested that we cut corners rewriting it by leaving out the 'o' in His name. He likes to tell people that it's because He doesn't want them writing His full name; that it’s a 'sin.' I can't tell you how hard we laugh at that.

The answers to your other questions are as follows:

  1. Your keys. Your keys. If He had a nickel for every time you lost your keys, He'd be the richest man in the Universe. Your keys are in the pocket of the blue fleece that you hung up in your hall closet. You know what I do? I have a basket by the door that I put my keys in. You should try that.
  2. Bobcat Goldthwait, believe it or not, is the spitting image of God. If you saw the two of them next to each other, you'd think they were twins. I'll let you in on another little secret: They are.
  3. Happens all the time. Pizza delivery is the third biggest source of poontang on Earth. Plumber and bank teller are first and second, respectively. Tennis pro is fourth.
  4. You sure you want the answer to this one? Let's just say that the master plan has its inconsistencies.
  5. Clementines are His way of saying, "You people are easily distracted."
  6. In about 1,000 years, you’ll know why men have nipples.
Finally, there is no way to tell if a grapefruit is pink or yellow from the outside. Read the sign above the fruit, dumbass. That should help you.

Thanks for your interest in the Universe. He loves to hear from His creations, so feel free to drop us a line anytime.


Lenny Schwartzbaum
Comptroller, Northeast United States


This is no longer fun. Now it is scary.

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