Short Conversation with Hal Sparks about His “I Love the 80s” Appearances as We Wait for Our Drinks at a Los Angeles Starbucksby
I Love “I Love the 70s,” “I Love the 80s,” “I Love the 90s,” and “I Love the 80s Strikes Back”by
Josh Abraham, Donnie Boman, Bunsen, Dennis DiClaudio,
Nick Jezarian, Christopher Monks, Matthew Tobey, & Geoff Wolinetz
[Read Parts I and II.]
How exactly did those Modern Humorist dudes parlay modest success with a humor website into TV cash money?
[Attn: VH1 people! firstname.lastname@example.org]
N.J.: Oral. I imagine. I’m not sure but I’m only guessing.
C.M.: They wrote well received parodies of other popular websites like McSweeney’s and Gawker… oh wait; no they didn’t.
M.T.: It had to be blowjobs. And if it wasn’t, VH1 should call me, because they’re totally getting ripped off.
G.W.: Those were a couple of funny guys, huh? I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing a lot from them in the upcoming years. Did someone say “CBS sitcom”?
D.DiC.: You know, for the editors of a website that includes the word “humor” in its title, those guys aren’t very humorous. It’s a little sad when Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction punks you out on witticisms. I’ll give them this, though: they’re very photogenic.
J.A.: Wait—what? There are websites for humor now? Hot damn, the Internet is awesome!
B: That one dude is a hairy motherfucker!
Loni Love: sassy sista?
D.DiC.: I like Loni Love. It’s nice to see an overweight female black comedian who is able to riff on something other then what it’s like to be an overweight female black comedian.
N.J.: Ha! I’ve been thinking this whole time that that was Missy Eliot!
C.M.: She’s a Star Jones wannabe, except without the law degree and an upcoming marriage of convenience to a man with a lazy eye.
M.T.: That’s not really fair. Who in this world isn’t a Star Jones wannabe?
D.B.: Man, Loni Love has hot shit to say about anything. She knows the words to all the songs, she’s been a part of every fad, she’s on the pop-culture button. That’s more than I can say for Star Jones—“View” my ass.
G.W.: All I know is that with a name like Loni Love, it’s hard for me to keep my penis in my pants.
J.A.: Loni Love and Star Jones are both great names for strippers. In fact, “Starlet Jones” (her honest-to-God given name, thanks to IMDb) smacks so much of stripperdom that you have to wonder if her parents really, really wanted a pole-dancing daughter. I imagine they were absolutely heartbroken when she ran away to law school. Maybe they were comforted somewhat by her compromise as a TV yenta, which is sort of halfway between pole dancer and attorney.
B: It’s irresponsible and racist to compare two people just because they share a skin color. That being said, that Star Jones is one tall glass of Nestlé Quik!
D.DiC.: “Each of us has turning points in our life that bring our heart back to reality. Moments that encompass nearly every emotion all at once, and simply overwhelm us. September eleventh was one of those turning points for all of us--as individuals, and as a country. There is no way to translate onto paper the grief, fear, compassion, or love that marked that day.” –Jenna Von Öy
C.M.: Her paper “Recovering True Selves in the Electro-Spiritual Culture of Indonesian Transvestites” is still considered the definitive study on Indonesian transvestites. So, you tell me if she’s a cultural anthropologist or not. Stupid question.
D.B.: I always thought Six was hotter than Blossom anyway, so I’m glad she’s still working. And, man, I like what Jenna’s done with her hair.
G.W.: You know how she got the name Six, right? On the show, she said it took six beers to conceive her. I wonder how many it took to conceive Jenna? Probably a keg and a half.
B: I’ll go on the record as saying that Jenna von Öy is nothing short of the Otto von Bismarck of sitcom sidekicks.
J.A.: I’ve always had a little crush on Six, because, as a Jew, I think it’d be pretty fantastic to shout “Oy” in a moment of steamy passion, instead of its usual mutterance while schlepping something heavy. Anyway, Mayim Bialik is now, for real, a marine biologist, which is so surreal, I get a nosebleed just thinking about it.
M.T.: You know, Jenna von Öy is a pretty big sex symbol in the African-American community. No joke, I was reading this black men’s magazine and she had a spread in there with an interview about how white people don’t appreciate her voluptuous figure and her sweet ka-junk-a-junk ass. I don’t remember what the magazine was called, but I remember thinking that I would’ve gotten a six-year subscription if it’d been called Blaxim.
Josh Abraham is coëditor of this humble journal.
Donnie Boman battens down the hatches at Left Pedal and Über.
Bunsen sweeps the leg at The Greatest Blog in the World, Bunsen.tv.
Dennis DiClaudio toes the line at (parenthetical note).
Nick Jezarian is coëditor of this humble journal.
Christopher Monks trips the light fantastic at Utter Wonder.
Matthew Tobey, erstwhile Haypenny editor, rocks the sure shot at The City of Floating Blogs.
Geoff Wolinetz is coëditor of this humble journal.