I N N E R M O N O L O G U E
F R O M T H I S M O R N I N G ' S
S U B W A Y C O M M U T E
September 23, 2003:
KNICKS/O.C./WALKEN/MY BODY IS A WONDERLAND/
MADGE/FALL TV/MATT LAUER'S AWFUL HAIR/
MY HEAVY BAGS
Memo to Scott Layden, G.M. of the New York Knicks: You need Kurt Thomas
play center. If you trade him, there will be no one to play there.
and Charlie Ward for Nick Van Exel? I agree Van Exel is a very good
guard, but he's been playing the 2 guard for 5 years now and one
does not a point guard make. Also, adding Van Horn and Van Exel
forgive the prior mistake of forcing out the one Van you need, Van
All right, I'll say it. I'm addicted to "The O.C." I can't get enough
this show. It's like watching a train wreck. The funny characters are
funny. The serious characters are funny. The plots are funny. The
smoldering looks that Ryan gives every five minutes merit mentioning also.
Peter Gallagher's eyebrows are going to start shooting off one-liners
moment. And I'll say this also: That Seth Cohen is adorable.
O.K., let me get this straight. Someone went into a movie studio
office and said, "O.K., here's the deal. It's Midnight Run meets “George
the Jungle.” We get The Rock in the DeNiro role. We get Stifler in the
Charles Grodin role. And, for the hell of it, because he hasn't been
movie in six weeks, we'll get Chris Walken." This studio executive
this person in the face and said, "Let's make it work." I thought this
an SNL commercial at first, but no. This movie actually exists and
actually be in your theaters and if it actually makes money, I might
If it's possible, the new John Mayer CD is actually better than the
If there are fans out there, I highly suggest that you pick this album
Madonna, if you are listening, let me tell you something about the kind
books I'm going to read to my children and the kind of people they are
written by. They are NOT written by washed up pop singers who, in a
gasp attempt to reclaim a small piece of her once proud popularity,
21-year-old girl on basic cable. They are NOT written by women who
pronounce 'kaballah' three years ago, yet claim to be strict students of
a word, Madonna, they are NOT written by you. I'll quote Jack, "Go
crazy some place else. We're all stocked up here."
I get down on my knees every day and thank God that next week is
Week" for new Fall programming. The networks aren't even showing
anymore. The summer was devoid of all my favorite shows in their
I like reality TV as much as the next gal, but come on. You guys have
have something (read: anything) else in the coffers. 90% of this stuff
total trash. And not the good kind of trash either, like "Temptation
Island." But the bad kind of trash, like "Big Brother" or "The View."
Hey, speaking of morning talk shows, Matt Lauer, you need to do
stem your hair loss. I turned on "Today" last week. When you go to
barber, what do you say to him? "Um, just snip the scissors above my
for about 10 minutes and I'll pay you"? I haven't seen anyone lose
hair that quickly since Mr. Bigglesworth. Let that be a reminder to
that this organization will not tolerate failure.
If there ever comes a day that I get on this train and someone taps me
the shoulder and says, "Those bags you are carrying look heavy. Why
you take my seat?" I might just die on the spot. If I manage to avoid
heart attack, I'll marry that person. Even if they are a woman.