I N N E R M O N O L O G U E
F R O M T H I S M O R N I N G ' S
S U B W A Y C O M M U T E
September 23, 2003:
KNICKS/O.C./WALKEN/MY BODY IS A WONDERLAND/
MADGE/FALL TV/MATT LAUER'S AWFUL HAIR/
MY HEAVY BAGS
BY
LISA GROVER
Memo to Scott Layden, G.M. of the New York Knicks: You need Kurt Thomas
to
play center. If you trade him, there will be no one to play there.
Thomas
and Charlie Ward for Nick Van Exel? I agree Van Exel is a very good
point
guard, but he's been playing the 2 guard for 5 years now and one
playoffs
does not a point guard make. Also, adding Van Horn and Van Exel
doesn't
forgive the prior mistake of forcing out the one Van you need, Van
Gundy.
All right, I'll say it. I'm addicted to "The O.C." I can't get enough
of
this show. It's like watching a train wreck. The funny characters are
funny. The serious characters are funny. The plots are funny. The
smoldering looks that Ryan gives every five minutes merit mentioning also.
Peter Gallagher's eyebrows are going to start shooting off one-liners
any
moment. And I'll say this also: That Seth Cohen is adorable.
O.K., let me get this straight. Someone went into a movie studio
executives
office and said, "O.K., here's the deal. It's Midnight Run meets “George
of
the Jungle.” We get The Rock in the DeNiro role. We get Stifler in the
Charles Grodin role. And, for the hell of it, because he hasn't been
in a
movie in six weeks, we'll get Chris Walken." This studio executive
looked
this person in the face and said, "Let's make it work." I thought this
was
an SNL commercial at first, but no. This movie actually exists and
will
actually be in your theaters and if it actually makes money, I might
start
to cry.
If it's possible, the new John Mayer CD is actually better than the
first.
If there are fans out there, I highly suggest that you pick this album
up.
Madonna, if you are listening, let me tell you something about the kind
of
books I'm going to read to my children and the kind of people they are
written by. They are NOT written by washed up pop singers who, in a
last
gasp attempt to reclaim a small piece of her once proud popularity,
kiss a
21-year-old girl on basic cable. They are NOT written by women who
couldn't
pronounce 'kaballah' three years ago, yet claim to be strict students of
it. In
a word, Madonna, they are NOT written by you. I'll quote Jack, "Go
sell
crazy some place else. We're all stocked up here."
I get down on my knees every day and thank God that next week is
"Premiere
Week" for new Fall programming. The networks aren't even showing
reruns
anymore. The summer was devoid of all my favorite shows in their
repeats.
I like reality TV as much as the next gal, but come on. You guys have
to
have something (read: anything) else in the coffers. 90% of this stuff
is
total trash. And not the good kind of trash either, like "Temptation
Island." But the bad kind of trash, like "Big Brother" or "The View."
Hey, speaking of morning talk shows, Matt Lauer, you need to do
something to
stem your hair loss. I turned on "Today" last week. When you go to
the
barber, what do you say to him? "Um, just snip the scissors above my
head
for about 10 minutes and I'll pay you"? I haven't seen anyone lose
their
hair that quickly since Mr. Bigglesworth. Let that be a reminder to
you
that this organization will not tolerate failure.
If there ever comes a day that I get on this train and someone taps me
on
the shoulder and says, "Those bags you are carrying look heavy. Why
don't
you take my seat?" I might just die on the spot. If I manage to avoid
a
heart attack, I'll marry that person. Even if they are a woman.
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