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October 14, 2003:
DUFF / KUROSAWA / HOLD ON TIGHT / KINGS COUNTY /
DECIBELS / JACK & FONZIE / JUAN y MARIBEL


BY
LISA GROVER



Let me get this straight: Beyoncé f/ Sean Paul beat out Hilary Duff on the MTV "Request a Video" thing? Is there no God in the heavens? On my old website, I talked about this, but this Lizzie McGuire chick is dangerously close to being totally overexposed. There's a serious problem in this country when our pop-culture icons cannot only not legally buy alcohol, they can't even fucking drive or vote. There's something totally unnerving about watching a girl like this grow up before our eyes. Yes, she's a very pretty girl but didn't we learn our lesson with Britney? She was tossed aside and now she'll do just about anything to grab a small piece of the spotlight, including fuck Fred Durst. It's kind of pathetic.

I'm sorry. I don't care who's directing it, “Scary Movie 3” cannot be a good movie. They could bring in Kurosawa and it wouldn't help. This idea has past its usefulness. Can't we just add this to the pantheon of "Dead Horses That Have Been Beaten So Thoroughly, They're About To Become Glue”?

Good news. These subway cars have these things on them called handrails. When you hold them, it prevents you from falling. If you could do us all a favor and hang on to one so that when the train stops short, you don't lurch forward (hands outwardly extended I might add) and fall on top of me with your disgusting smelly body and hands grabbing at just about everything, I'd appreciate it.

If there's a better show on television right now than “Temptation Island,” I haven't found it. Can I just tell you that I'm absolutely in love with Eric and Kristen? She is adorable! And he's a pretty good-looking dude. P.S. to Kara, you need to get a new stylist. A) You have a horrible dye job and B) you need to get some hair down toward your face to take the attention off your forehead. I know you're from Las Vegas, but I also know you don't have to look like a stripper to live there.

Every time I think about moving to Brooklyn, I remember that it's in Brooklyn.

O.K., if I can hear your music and you are wearing headphones, you have to be doing damage to your ears. Also, IT'S TOO FUCKING LOUD! Also, Toni Braxton sucks. And your impromptu dance number really isn't that good either.

Listen, I was upset that John Ritter died too. He seemed like a really nice guy. But ABC, you need to stop with these promos for the show. They're creepy and depressing and they don't make me want to watch the show, not even a little bit. Celebrate the man's life. Don't send us into a weeklong shame spiral. Really. If I could have done anything to prevent his death, I would have. But you guys capitalizing on it with cheap gimmicks and depressing music doesn't really do it. It just makes me think that you guys are corporate assholes with a deeper agenda. I'd imagine his family and friends don't appreciate it either. As a side note, he was friends with the Fonz? Who knew?

It's nice to see some resolution in the Juan/Maribel saga. As far as I can tell, Juan really loves Maribel and has decided to go in for the H.I.V. testing that she has recommended. Juan has come out with a clean bill of health. Now, they can engage in safe sexual intercourse. Either that or Juan wants to go on a fact-finding mission in Southeast Asia and needs the proper immunizations. God, my Spanish is so rusty.






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