March 3, 2003
I heard that you and your Time Warner cronies lost a bundle a while back -- something like 54 billion clams, the biggest quarterly loss in earth's history. That's like the gross national product of Uruguay or Bulgaria. Wowzers.
I empathize with you, AOL. I can relate, sort of: I had fulsome losses at Harrah's, in Atlantic City, this weekend, my biggest quarterly loss in history. So, y'know, I can understand how it feels.
But, fear not: I think I've figured out a way to save you guys some cash. STOP MAILING ME YOUR CD-ROMS. I already have AOL! Ya got me already. I've been a subscriber for many, many years! I'm so friggin' happy with your service. I love it. The e-mail, the IMs, everything. I've upgraded from 3.0 to 4.0, et cetera, et cetera, to the current 8.0. Whenever 9 comes out, you bet yer ass I'll get that too.
But JEEZ LOUISE, AOL, enough with the friggin' discs already! I've got so many of them, I can paste them up on the walls of my apartment and out-Hall of Mirrors even Louis the XIV!!!. I think this is why you're bleeding money, AOL. You keep manufacturing and mailing me CDs, when I AM ALREADY A CUSTOMER. That's like throwing out cash. I don't know how much it costs to manufacture a CD. I don't know what the postage is, either. But I can be pretty damn sure it's cheaper to NOT manufacture a CD and NOT mail it than it is to do so. I could have stamped this letter on a CD and posted it to you, but I didn't, thus saving me a needless expense.
Certainly you have my name on a list somewhere of current subscribers. I know this because you bill each month. How much cost and effort could it possibly be to get some intern to take your mailing list and CROSS OFF the names of your current subscribers? Hell, I'll come down there on my own dime and cross my name off your list. We both win that way: you save some hard-earned cash. I stop getting your CDs. Everybody wins!
So, please, I beg you, AOL: Stop. Mailing. CDs.
Here's to a better quarter for both of us,
P.S. Also, a question for Time: I'm sorry Time-Life didn't work out. Do you still talk to Life? Is Life jealous of Warner, do you think? If you speak to Life, send all my best.
P.P.S. How's "Judy," the Time-Life operator? Is she handling the breakup well? I hope so. She was a sweetie.